mandax

I would really appreciate critiques on this. This is only the beginning of a short story in progress, so please keep that in mind. ^^

The illumination of the street lights shone with a dull despondence. The moon served as a mirror of this glow, reflecting the agony upon the people in its sinister glory. Footsteps echoed, but the sound of each breath was stifled by the dense air. Shadows darkened the sidewalk, dancing and taunting each pathetic pedestrian. The Unaffected were the only ones that felt the penetration of true darkness. Everyone else was numb. There weren’t many Unaffected these days. Most had chosen a side, though the options weren’t the best. The Unaffected were lucky, but not-so-lucky. They were always on the run for unreachable escape.

Drowsiness was common. No one seemed immune to the fatigue that visited at random intervals. Heads were hung low and feet were dragged, not only from tiredness, but from hopelessness. These were the symptoms-fear, fatigue, loss of hope. If you had these, than you probably knew who I was. I was the derelict. I was the outcast. I was the only one who didn’t possess these three dreadful symptoms. I was immortal, but my right to immortality was not everlasting.

The Chaos Administration had the symptoms, though they successfully buried them away inside. A stifling pile of dirt and mud kept it deep inside the grave. The CA represented the chaos they supported, though ironically; their society was one of the most organized ever managed. Then there was the antithesis. Then there was the emotional prison of life. Then there was the Army of The Lord. They were just the same, but just the opposite. They focused on order and devotion, but their administration was disorganized and lacked a leader, excluding their god.

Besides these two foundations, there were no traces of religion left from the past. Christianity had ceased, Judaism had disappeared, and Islam had evaporated. The reasons for this were not clear because they were not passed on, nor were they recorded. Not much about past theology was in the intelligence of those during this time. Even if there was record, no one would care to read it. Wisdom was no longer an important trait. When you turned eighteen, you made the decision. Wisdom was no longer an option. When you received the sheet, it all became clear. You either decided to dedicate your life to overly-fervent faith or idiotic carelessness. Needless to say, they never got my results.

Now I’m wanted. Recruiters will be after me for a few months, but then they’ll realize my dedication to being an Unaffected. When my inevitable rebellion becomes clear to them, I will become wanted in a different fashion. That’s why I’m here.


“Name please,” spoke a tall, dark-haired, smoky looking young man. His eyes, which were occasionally blocked by pieces of black hair that accidentally curtained his gaze, were icy blue and inquisitive.

“X-976,” I replied softly. He looked puzzled for a moment, but then understood my oblivious nature.

“No, I mean your real name.”

My throat tensed up and I took a deep breath as I was about to speak the name that had been forced away from me since I was only a child.

“Lucy.”

“Ah, now that’s a name,” he responded smiling. Having said the name, I felt that a part of me had been released from the invisible chains that were holding me down for so many years. I was free to declare my true identity.

“How many are in your party?”

“Just me.” He looked up, his eyes displaying concern, but then retreated back to looking at the survey.

“Is Unaffected in your family?”

“I’m the first one.” He only raised his eyes this time, keeping his head in the inclined position.

“You’re a rare case. We are pleased to have you here at Golgotha.” He walked around to the front of the desk he had been leaning over and shook my hand.

“Here is your key. You’ll be staying in room 511 on the fifth floor. My office is on the first floor if you need anything.”

I nodded silently and took the key in my quivering hand. Then, proceeding to the nearest elevator, I studied the posters and photos plastered on the walls. Most of them were protest signs from the 2070s. I passed a room that seemed to be filled of only filing cabinets with files scattered all about the floor. So many folders and papers lay on the ground that it was difficult to see the cold marble. I continued toward the elevator and stepped in lightly. I stood in the deserted contraption and moved to push the floor number. Before my finger reached the button, however, I noticed a strange quality about it. Each button not only had a number, but a category. Their stretched out, rectangular shape made them seem out of place. Leaning closer, I read the miniscule writing. 1-Lobby. 2-Cafeteria. 3-Communications. 4-Awareness. 5-Staterooms.

There was one addition, though its contents were erased. After a pause of hesitation, my finger pressed the button gently, and I took a step back to observe. It rose to two, then three, then four, then stop. A gentleman who looked of middle-age came into my company, his shady figure stepping close to the buttons. He reached to press but then withdrew, seeing the button lit up, and stood with his eyes staring at the opposite side. Even though I wasn’t a victim of his glare, I still remained uneasy. I quickly scurried out of the doors once they opened to my floor. My curiosity was weak compared to my fear, so I didn’t dare look back. I glanced at the room numbers.

507, 509, 511.

I stopped and inserted the card key into the slot. It beeped genially and clicked. My visit was simple and limited. My suitcases were already placed neatly on my twin-sized bed, and I didn’t conjure up any reason for my lingering. I departed.

Amarisa

My first thoughts when reading the beginning paragraph was, "Oh great... emo, goth, and angst." Now, me being goth, I'm able to stand a lot of things. But I have to draw the line somewhere and you just barely crossed it. When you start on the Unaffected it begins to ease away from emo and into interesting. Just so you know.

"...tiredness (delete: ,) but ..."

"These were the symptoms(: )fear, fatigue, (and) loss of hope."

HAHAHAHA... wow. "The CA represented the chaos they supported,..." Ok, I'm in college. I live in a dorm. That said, we have CAs and RAs. Community Assistants and Residence Assistants. They are basically the leaders of the floor; they arrange meetings, you go to them when something's wrong, and they uphold the rules (or sometimes at least say they do ). Half the time they hardly care and the floor exists in utter chaos. So when I read your statement, I couldn't help but burst out laughing.

"Then there was the antithesis. Then there was the emotional prison of life. Then there was the Army of The Lord." All of that is very very awkward to read. It's like a child telling a story. "We did this. Then he did this. Then she did this. Then I did this..." You get the idea. Perhaps make everything one sentence, keep the first "then" and then put in a "followed by" to make everything flow. Like, "Then there was the antithesis followed by the emotional prison of life and the Army of the Lord." It flows easier that way.

So... the reasons for why the religions fell apart weren't recorded? Is that what you meant? I had to re-read it to figure that out; I first thought that the religions themselves weren't recorded and passed on, and that's why they fell apart. :shrug:

"His eyes, which were occasionally blocked by pieces of black hair (delete: that accidentally curtained his gaze), were icy blue and inquisitive." The part I mentioned to delete makes the sentence wordy and cluttered. If they're occasionally blocked by his hair to begin with, you don't need to mention that his hair falling was accidental.

Ok, I'm stressed for time, so when I get back from work tonight (or tomorrow) I'll finish reading and critiquing this.

aliceedelweiss

It's different, but I certainly want to read more. It has a gothic sci-fi feel to it (I guess) which is new, so I'm glad to see that.

Quote:

Then there was the antithesis. Then there was the emotional prison of life. Then there was the Army of The Lord.

To me this would sound better written, 'Then there was the antithesis, the emotional prison of life, The Army of the Lord.'

Quote:

Christianity had ceased, Judaism had disappeared, and Islam had evaporated.

Same thing like the sentence before. I think this would sound better, 'christianity, Judaism, and Islam had ceased(or disappeared, or evapoated. Your choice).

Quote:

which were occasionally blocked by pieces of black hair that accidentally curtained his gaze

I reeeeally think this is just a very long way of saying "His hair hung in his eyes" or "He's emo" (lol, just kidding) maybe try something else? Or ignore me.

Quote:

It rose to two, then three, then four, then stoped.

Should be stopped.

I liked it It was certainly different, but either way I look forward to more. If you could, PM me when the rest is up? Also, being some what religious, I find it very odd you named what I presume is a hotel, Golgotha. Thats very morbid, even for me.

Alice

__________________

mandax

Amarisa - Thanks for your imput. I'll be sure to tone down the gothic-ness in the beginning, heh. I look forward to the rest of your critique.

Alice - Thanks for your advice! I'll be sure to PM you when I put the rest up. ^^

Amarisa

Ok, I'm back. I figured I'd finish critiquing this before I go and fix another story of mine.

Golgotha seems really familiar to me, but I can't quite place it...

If the buttons only had numbers on them and not categories, then how come you go on to mention the categories? Aren't you contradicting yourself?

Perhaps when you mention going up to the various floors, at the end you could put, "...and then I stopped." or "...and then everything stopped." or something. Just perhaps, it's your choice on this one.

Why was she scared of the gentleman? It seems as if there was an underlying reason for his reaction and I'm confused as to what that was. Was he surprised that he was going to the same floor? And I thought she was already on the fifth floor; that's how the sequence of numbers went, wasn't it? So why would she be stuck with him for a little while before she got to her floor? If she got out of the elevator immediately, he would have been on that floor already and wouldn't have bothered with the button business. That and she wouldn't have seen the problem. If she was on the fourth floor, you might want to specify that a little better. And why he would react like that. It's one thing to have recruiters after you, but what about other people? How do they react to Unaffected?

First you have the girl as being all brave, in my opinion, and then she's scared. It's like, "Yeah, I chose this path, I know exactly what I'm doing because I'm telling you everything" and then it's like, "No one look at me, everyone go away, please, I'm scared, I'm running away, leave me alone, don't go after me, don't chase me please, I'm so scared." You see the condradiction? It's confusing.

So... wait... I thought she was checking into the place. Now I found out she has been there and is now leaving? I thought that survey thing was for general information to check in. Why is she running again? And if her suitcases were already packed and waiting, what stopped her from leaving after she packed them to begin with? Obviously she left for some reason, and then went back to get her suitcases, but why??

Lots of confusing things you might want to clarify. It would be a big help in reading the story.

mandax

What the story says is, " Each button not only had a number, but a category." If somewhere I said that there are only numbers, I'll have to check on that.

But I understand where youre coming from about everything else. I'll try to make that all more clear. Thank you for indicating the confusing aspects. ^^