Horse - Writers Forum

A_MacLaren · 05-31-2006, 09:22 AM

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Chris Miller · 05-31-2006, 10:11 AM

Well written, only a few typos and whatnot. Nice description. Nice of the kid to give the waitress their stolen car and her tampons. Feels like an excerpt from something larger. Not really dense enough for flash. Kind of hard to see its “purpose.” Has potential as part of something larger, but doesn’t stand well on its own, in spite of how well it is written. I guess I just kept waiting for something to transpire. As a snapshot, it’s nice. I guess all I’m really saying is that I’d like to have read more.

Horse with No Name is by Neil Young I think.

Maybe cap proper nouns like car names.

"truckers" = trucker's" (a few times)

"Then I scrawl a note of the torn page."
on

"in to" = into

A_MacLaren · 05-31-2006, 06:43 PM

All good points. Thanks for reading. I wasn't sure if it was any good, but I felt the need to write something about the desert, and fugitives are always nice. I wanted the whole 'Dad' thing to be a twist, but it's not a very good story. Thanks for trying.

Chris Miller · 05-31-2006, 07:24 PM

Actually, I liked the dad thing. It was foreshadowed and still came as kind of a surprise.

kevin-v4 · 05-31-2006, 07:42 PM

Nice twist near the end.

A_MacLaren · 05-31-2006, 10:25 PM

There was supposed to be something about the oil fields and the endless pumps, but might not have come through. If this was about anything its about a kid who has never really had the chance to do nice things for people, so his actions are kind of weird (retuning some old tampons?).

I thought about making the character a girl at the end. I never determined the sex, so it's up to you I guess.

Chris: Turns out Horse With No Name is by America. It just sounds a lot like Neil Young. Don't ask me where I got Willie Nelson. Anyway, it's been addressed.

Kevin: Thanks for reading. Glad you liked it.

Amarisa · 06-01-2006, 09:55 AM

Wow, there's not much here to correct!

"Six pack of Heineken(,) I say, leaning on the counter."

Quote:

She points past the guy playing pool by himself. I walk into the tiny old bathroom and wet my hands under the faucet. I clean my face and slick my hair back. I take off my shirt and wash under my arms. Then I put the shirt back on and wander back to the bar.

You start 3 of the 5 sentences with what I call a direct I. I do this, I do that. It seems jagged that way. If you change the word order a bit, it would flow much better.

"Oh(,) I sniff."

"... parking lot and (onto) the dusty road."

I know that not having quotation marks is poetic license, but there were times where it became confusing. I had to re-read a few of the sentences to figure out which part was the dialogue and which was the action. And if I had to, I might not have been the only one.

Other than that, excellent job! I found the tampons rather amusing, and the dad twist at the end was perfectly paced. I wouldn't be surprised to see this published one day, as well it should be.