Ice Tea Atonach

Nice little emotional piece. Wrote this to see what kind of results I could get out of putting emotion into a story. Anyway; Enjoy!






Poisoned, acidic rain crashed down on the street, the sky was as black as night even though it was midday and although it rained; fires burned, and people mourned over dead ones lost in a nuclear disaster that had caused the beginning of the end: a nuclear winter.

I stood; my gun pointed at the head of a young man two years younger than me. I let tears run down my face unchecked. I opened my mouth to speak but was forced to close it. I closed my eyes and breathed in; I opened them and was surprised to see the man still sat on his knees at my feet. My heart sank further; I couldn’t do it to him.

“W-why,” I asked him in a moaning voice. My chin wobbled but I held back the wails even as I felt more pain in my throat. The man did not speak; “Why!” I shouted in anger. “Tell me!” I cried. I bit my lip and roared kicking him in the side. He fell over onto his hands and knees and began breathing heavily.

He breathed in and finally spoke; it was barely audible: “to-to punish…” he said before regaining his breath; the prolific explosion had done some damage to him. “To punish them; they neglected me and now we’re even.”

“They cared for you!” the anger swelled in me, “This isn’t revenge; it’s a massacre, a damn Genocide! You-you…” I stopped talking realising that the gun was now clicking madly my finger pressing in the trigger. Luckily I had left the safety on.

“They deserved it!” he growled angrily, “You of all people should’ve understood; I should’ve killed you right then-” he inhaled, “I gave you the chance to leave, I gave you that privileged right that no one else had. Why, why didn’t you take it and leave to the country?”

I snarled at him wrinkling my whole face at him in disgust and kicked him in the side again. “How can you think that? After all I had done for you, all the years I spent helping you! And this is your thanks? Billions dead, Civilization may never exist again!”

I gnashed my teeth and punched his nose. I then grabbed his hair and tore it out; the man wailed in pain. He crumbled back to the ground in a ball. Blood leaking from his broken nose; I could see a piece of bone protruding through the skin. “You killed them; you killed my parents! You killed my mum and yours!”

I slammed my foot into his chest. He coughed up blood. I snarled at him and spat at him. I spoke again in a growl: “You were my-my… B-brother. We shared the same mother! We had the same blood and the same look and hight! We even loved each other!”

There was a flash of lightning and a clap of thunder. It illuminated the scene for a second. My eyes were maddened and my face was filled with hate and pitiless anger. “I-I should’ve known. I should’ve known by the bloody videogames and gang membership; you were already poisoned, already corrupted by our mum’s neglect and the bad things of this world. You have a poisoned mind.”

I felt my blood boiling and my mind going into overdrive. “Go to damn craphouse hell you dick!” I cried before turning the safety off. Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!

He lay dead; five bullets in his chest and head, a ruptured kidney, a deflated lung and a severely broken nose. But still I don’t think he got what he deserved and probably never will.

I turned around and walked over to a fallen telegraph pole and sat on it.There I let my walls down and opened the floodgates. I broke down into tears saying over and over; “Mum… oh, god… mum…” The rain fell and the houses burned, people still mourned over the dead. Over head another flash of lightning and a clap of thunder.

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aliceedelweiss

That was unbelievably amazing. That was one of those piece that just makes you stop and go "wow" I absolutely loved it!!! 5 stars, for sure. The emotions were great and the plot was very shocking! The only thing I didn't like was stuff like this:

It just looks weird, although I know what you were trying to do and I understood it I just think it looks strange... but I don't know if there is any other way you could have set it up.

Again, very good job!!
Alice

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Chris Miller

Hey Ice,

I can see the work you've put into this. Not sure you're looking for feedback, but here goes anyway.
I'll just tackle this 1st paragraph from a technical standpoint:

"crash" feels like the wrong verb for rain, and it would be radioacitve, not acidic.

The simile, "black as night," is terribly cliche.

Semicolon after "rained" should be comma.

And the whole thing is kind of long and telling. Suggest you split into many smaller, slightly more descript/poetic sentences.

Generally, to evoke emotion, never tell it. Never tell the reader how you are feeling. If this cannot be determined from context and words and actions, then you have failed. Telling feelings actually diffuses them in the reader.

E.g. "My eyes were maddened and my face was filled with hate and pitiless anger."
This is also, kind of out of POV. It's not like he can see his own face here.

I'm also not sure if your apocolyptic setting alone quite makes this sci-fi.

Your grammar and punctuation are good. This kind of effort is refreshing. Sorry if I'm coming across like an ass (arse) hole. I sense you're just getting started. And obviously others will disagree. That's the thing about art. Keep it up.

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