Just a few things. When I started reading this, I began ticking off all the cliches. She embodies everything perfect, tick, it's more than simple lust, tick, I feel like we've met before, tick, guys are attracted to girls who remind them of their mothers, tick. You get the idea. I once took a monologuing class a few summers ago (yes, this story has a point) and my professor told us to write a monologue about love. The catch was that we couldn't make it cliche. A lot of people wrote about their childhood pets that they lost or some other sentimental thing, but I wrote about how love can't be described properly because it's such a huge thing. I ended up bombing the assignment because it was literally comprised of all the cliches: larger than life, move mountains, etc. It wasn't until after the class was over that I wrote something and realized I had completed the assignment. Moral and reason for the story: Sit down and try to
really think of why you like this girl. Look past everything and mention things that we don't hear often. It'll give you a headache but it'll catch your readers' attentions. Give us better memories. Like, you remember when this happened, and then when that happened later on, and you reacted like this and she reacted like that. You're simply telling us what happened and what your "love" was. Show us instead.
"...but that’s always sounded a bit creepy to me." I know what you meant to put here, but a friend/editor of mine brought something to my attention a few times. The "that's" makes it sound like it's present tense even when the rest of the sentence/story is past tense. If you write "that has," it'll fix things easily.
The "no one else can be with her" sounds a bit stalkerish and obsessive, even though you make light of it with the latter half of the sentence. Watch out for things like that. The smallest thing will trigger everything else.
Be careful with using the same word twice in a short span of time, like "hangs." There's a better way to do a play on words, if that's what you were aiming for, and it just requires a little sentence structure change and creativity.
"When we first parted(,) I cried."
"I’m not talking a few “man-tears” either(, n)ot the kind that could be blinked away or swallowed back."
You mention "first met" twice. I think you could get rid of the first one and/or make a few word changes. That way everything will flow better.
Since you mention your age later on, I think you can get rid of the first instance. It was awkward reading it, though understandable with how you put it, but you mention it so much better later on.
"I remember how I fell in love with every pretty girl that so much as showed me the slightest bit of attention." This is a bit much. You can delete "so much as" and it would flow so much better. You have the word "slighest" in there which makes the "so much as" seem a bit redundant... or the other way around... either way, the "so much as" is a bit wordy.
And they love with just their eyes?
With the ending, you might want to mention that you're dreaming of those memories, if you are, or at least that you're remembering them. I was confused for a bit thinking, "Wait, I thought you were broken up." Speaking of which, what happend? You might want to briefly mention that, even if that's what the main story is (or is not). You go on about how perfect she is and how much she loves you and you her and that you're the only one she wants to be with, and then you two break up four months later. That's definitely cause to ask, "What the hell happened?!"
Other than that, I hope this meets your standards of an editing cap. ^_^ It's not something I would read, honestly, but I know that this sort of thing is really popular. Look at Nicholas Sparks, he makes a living off love and loss. If he can, I'm sure you can too. Good luck with it!
