martyn23

Four thousand years ago a terrible thing happened. Deep in the heart of the Egyptian civilisation Apophis Paphos was working on something which would later ruin my life. In his techno-lab-pyramid he set about finding ways in which he and his other mates could protect themselves from the sun and the rain.

Common sense would have made him invent a coat, something which wouldn’t ruin the lives of modern day men all across England. A coat would be simple to make, fashionable, it could come in a variety of styles and would be multi-functional.

With him being Egyptian and having plenty of time on his hands he thought deeply about this to the point his head hurt and so he went to cut up a few bodies and put vital organs into jars.

With his head now cleared he could go back to thinking about his invention. He did contemplate a coat but later decided that it wouldn’t stop his head getting wet. Maybe it was the smell of the organs that knocked him off but at this point, especially with him being a smart man, he didn’t think about a hood, oh no that was too simple.

The year is 2006, the month is May and the weather is awful. It’s raining so heavy the cats and dogs are starting to make a slushy mess around the area in which they have landed. In my hand I have the brainchild of Mr Paphos. I have an umbrella.

Now I’m sure there are a few people out there that wonder why this is such a problem but I’m also sure there are others that know exactly what I’m on about. If you don’t fit into either category skip to the next chapter, the rest will be meaningless.

No, umbrellas pose hundreds of problems to me, not least the image they promote. Walking along with my girlfriend and with me being a gentleman, of sorts, I offered to hold the brolly. Being a woman she at first put up a resistance, reeling off her independent woman rights but eventually gave in when her arm became sore.

The first thing she said to me? Thanks? You’re such a gentleman? No, she just said “ha ha ha ha ha, you look like an idiot”. Thanks! For some reason men don’t hold umbrellas properly. We are too stiff and don’t look relaxed with them. (Are you surprised; the one in question is pink?)

So in order to try to look more relaxed and comfortable I sort of reclined it a bit behind my head. At first she didn’t say anything but one passer-by gave a painfully embarrassing glare resulting in her shouting at me again. It seemed that my latest pose looked a tad camp.

I was running out of ideas at this point, but was saved by the wind. A very sharp gust of wind made its way under the brolly and threw it up into the air -with me still attached. As the muscles in my arm stretched and then pulled, my spine flexed in ways it shouldn’t, it resulted in my rather embarrassing scream of pain.

After that I just went back to the stiff pose. I may look like a lamppost but at least my spine isn’t like spaghetti and I don’t sound like a helium filled whoopee cushion. This didn’t completely put an end to all my problems though.

Walking down a narrow street we were greeted with other, non-umbrella bearing town folk. The street was in no way wide enough for us, them and the brolly, so being a gentleman I decided it put the brolly down and get a bit wet. I rotated it in a 450 angle so that they could get passed us without their eyeballs ending up on my umbrella stalks.

Did this go down well with my girlfriend? Did it heck. This momentary exposure to the open air had totally ruined her hair. It had made her makeup run and it had made her look stupid, apparently. I then decided the best thing I could do was to re-enact an old childhood movie scene. Similar to Mary Poppins I said some magic words and 30 seconds later I was hovering above the streets of my home town whilst my girlfriend had to walk to rest of the way home getting wet.

The umbrella? The best invention ever made!

zoya_brar

i like that a lot! just a few minor things i thought i should point out..

Quote:

The year is 2006, the month is May and the weather is awful. It’s raining so heavy the cats and dogs are starting to make a slushy mess around the area in which they have landed. In my hand I have the brainchild of Mr Paphos. I have an umbrella

the transitiong from the past to the present is to abrupt. also if you notice you begin by saying its raining so heavy.. making it sound like its happening in this very instant.. but as one moves further down it changes to a sort of past tense.. not very appropriate.

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The street was in no way wide enough for us, them and the brolly, so being a gentleman I decided it put the brolly down and get a bit wet.

you have used this gentleman thing once already in the story.. try avoiding its use again.

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Did this go down well with my girlfriend? Did it heck.

you started both the ques as well as the answer with did.. that sounded odd.

Quote:

It had made her makeup run and it had made her look stupid, apparently.

try starting the sentence with apparently rather than ending it that way.

thats about it
the rest of it was well crafted
Zoya

martyn23

Thanks Zoya, points taken on board, will try to improve on the next one!!
Martyn

Chris Miller

I found this well written and pretty error free. I was never confused by your tense or voice. A cute little humor piece that was enjoyable to read.

360 degrees is a full circle. Seems like you'd be getting dizzy here.
Also, "passed" = past

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bobothegoat

I'd get rid of the semicolon here. Having a question mark after saying "the umbrella is pink" seems... questionable, I guess. Put it after surprised and then put a period after pink.

There were also a few instances where the tense was odd, as zoya already pointed out. That generally wasn't too much of a problem for me. It had a conversational tone to it, so I got over it.

Was that superscript failing to be pasted? 45 degrees, I think, with a small zero next to it to look like the degree symbol.

All that said, I also liked this piece. Nice job taking something so otherwise mundane and making it entertaining.

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martyn23

Thanks for all the comments guys. Camp tends to mean a bit femminie. Its used to describe the gay male stereotype here in the U.K. Thanks again for spending your time critiquing my work!
Martyn