Markovich

Thanks for your critiques.

Chris Miller

Well written in a way. But then the repetitive sort of political musings for which I could not find allegory or meaning started to wear, and I began to want for something to happen, something to unfold, to take shape. The prose and punctuation is good and the voice consistent, but there are a lot of little grammatical errors that make me think that this was dashed off and never proofed, because the author seems to know the rules well enough.

E.g.

“whosoever’s”
whomever’s

“but this to”
too

“despite what flaws us forest dwellers”
we

“with it's small steps”
its (many more)

“trees to small to climb”
too (and still more)

May I ask what this fable is supposed to be about?

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"Almost brilliant."
My most recent peer review!

Markovich

Thanks for taking the time to read my story. This is my first time getting a critique and I now see how important it is. The story is a few years old, written when I was a bit younger, I have managed to stop a few of those bad habits (like putting a possesive apostrophe in possesive "its"), but I couldn't spot those mistakes here for the life of me, having read this story a million times and proofed it to death, I can only glaze over it in a semi-conscious state.

It is supposed to be a love story (an innocent one) in which the characters are drawn astray from one another. Admittedly the plot is thin and loose. I was pushing style over story. Letting the psychoanalysts figure it out.

If I wrote it again, I'd certainly do away with many of the political musings. Chalk it up to a more youthful idealism at the time, which I have long since abandoned. Either way, they are there, and I don't see necessarily anything wrong with them. I'm describing the intricate social structure of my little fairy tale world. The first half of the story is laying down a philosophy.

At least I know a few things to look out for next time. Again, thanks.

Chris Miller

Hey Markovich,

Thanks for explaining your thinking and the origins of this piece. Grammatical fixes aside, I see what you mean about not wanting to change it. I wasn't even really suggesting you should. I can work with a story for a while, but then it's kind of like concrete that has set.

I see what you were doing now, creating an intricate social and political system for your fantasy world. It's just that they seemed so much like satire (e.g. "un-elected, patriarchal, elders") that I kept looking for connections to the current "real" world system. Now that I see you never intended any, I don't feel so stupid and can enjoy the fable better. Thanks.

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"Almost brilliant."
My most recent peer review!

Markovich

It is my fault for giving off that impression in the story. It's funny because I never really liked that line "un-elected, patriarchal, elders". I had the feeling that it was slightly too caustic, or satirical, which is something that I'm not really trying to portray in this story, at least not on that level, but it's one of those lines written at the very beginning that maybe is technically ok, so I became complacent with it, but it sets a mood that I'd really not prefer.

I just needed a good kick in the ass to realize it.

Thanks.




.

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Маркович

Jimbob

Markovich,

This one is a bit sweet for my taste, and doesn't seem to really have much of a story to it. Also, the language seems a bit stilted, stretched out and overmodified.

I'd suggest a good trim first. Get rid of unnecessary adjectives and use a more natural tone - don't say things like "as I proclaimed earlier" and try to be a bit more consise, particularly in the first part where you're talking about the village.

Then try to come up with something to surprise the reader. Give it some kind of twist. I might suggest that you could do a little research on pixies, brownies, and fairies and come up with something interesting in the stories about them.

jimbob

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