Autumn - 460 words. - Writers Forum

BrandonH · 05-11-2006, 07:55 AM

Autumn

The brisk morning air cools my skin as I watch the faces pass. Sometimes they are familiar, but mostly they are not. The Working Joes and the Working Janes offer each other cursory smiles and token greetings, but I, do not. Some recognize me and try to catch my eye but mostly I keep to myself. That’s just the way I’ve always been.

The leaves are yellowing along the tree-lined path that I walk every morning, and today I notice the wind has developed a particular chill that traces its icy fingers upon my skin. It is a familiar sensation and a welcome one: the changing of seasons. A small smile plays against the corner of my mouth. I’ve always loved cold weather and all the possibilities that a new season brings.

Suddenly, she cuts through the sea of faces and emerges, radiant upon my eyes. Months of stolen glances have lent her a familiarity and I almost call out her name. But then I remember - she has never given me her name to use. I do not know this girl, but for the irrational speculation inside my head, a symptom typical of infatuation. I have a crush, in other words.

A crush is such a strange thing and though I know these feelings to be illogical, my poor brain continues to believe. I hear music when I see her, the world dims around her silhouette and she takes centre stage in the movie of my life. Our eyes are versed in casual conversation but I do not know her. A crush is a very strange thing indeed.

Today she is wearing a beige overcoat, perhaps two sizes too big. Her hair is done simply, pulled back into a tidy pony tail. The slight upward tilt of her head remains the same as the first time I saw her and she walks towards me with easy, purposeful strides. Our eyes meet. I can hear my heart beating inside my head and as I go to speak, the words die in my throat. She looks away, eyes even, her poker face too hard to read. We pass each other without incident for the thousandth time.

As I slow my pace, the wind whispers secrets against my skin as if to remind me: a new season brings new possibilities.

I turn on the spot meaning to run after her. There could still be time to hold out my hand for her to consider. But she is gone and I am left alone. Again.

A few yellow leaves float softly in the air, ebbing and flowing and as I begin to walk slowly back to work, the cool Autumn breeze leaves me with the empty promise of a new season.

***Inspired by a girl i've since spoken to a few times. She hasn't read it yet and I intend to give it to her.

Selorian · 05-11-2006, 09:18 AM

This is a nice piece. It captures the feel of the season and the feeling of infatuation with someone you only know in passing. You do a good job of describing the feeling of fear and yearning in wanting to stop and talk to her. Good job.

There are some things I noticed. Some are my personal preference, so use what you want and ignore the rest. Blue is used for things needing to be removed. Red is used for things changed and added.

Quote:

The brisk morning air cools my skin as I watch the faces pass. Sometimes they are familiar, but mostly they are not. The Working Joes and the Working Janes offer each other cursory smiles and token greetings, but I, do not. Some recognize me and try to catch my eye but mostly I keep to myself. That’s just the way I’ve always been.

The leaves are yellowing along the tree-lined path that I walk every morning, and today I notice the wind has developed a particular chill that traces its icy fingers upon my skin. It is a familiar sensation and a welcome one: the changing of seasons. A small smile plays against the corner of my mouth. I’ve always loved cold weather and all the possibilities that a new season brings.

Suddenly, she cuts through the sea of faces and emerges, radiant upon my eyes. Months of stolen glances have lent her a familiarity. I almost call out her name, but then I remember - she has never given me her name to use. I do not know this girl, but for the irrational speculation inside my head, a symptom typical of infatuation. I have a crush, in other words.

A crush is such a strange thing, and though I know these feelings to be illogical, my poor brain continues to believe. I hear music when I see her, the world dims around her silhouette and she takes centre stage in the movie of my life. Our eyes are versed in casual conversation but I do not know her. A crush is a very strange thing indeed.

Today she's wearing a beige overcoat, perhaps two sizes too big. Her hair is pulled back into a simple, tidy pony tail. The slight upward tilt of her head remains the same as the first time I saw her, and she walks towards me with easy, purposeful strides. Our eyes meet. Inside my head I hear my heart beating and as I go to speak, the words die in my throat. She looks away, eyes even, her poker face too hard to read. We pass each other without incident for the thousandth time.

As I slow my pace, the wind whispers secrets against my skin, as if to remind me: a new season brings new possibilities.

I turn on the spot meaning to run after her. There could still be time to hold out my hand for her to consider. But she is gone, and I am left alone. Again.

A few yellow leaves float softly in the air, ebbing and flowing and as I begin to walk slowly back to work. The cool Autumn breeze leaves me with the empty promise of a new season.

***Inspired by a girl i've since spoken to a few times. She hasn't read it yet and I intend to give it to her.

Buschman · 05-11-2006, 10:15 AM

It's an exciting little introduction to what promises to be a major romance. The present tense heightens the tension so the reader share the suspense with the writer. I'm a little confused with the last two sentences following the three asterisks. Is it meant as a comment or a part of the monolog?

Harry B

BrandonH · 05-13-2006, 05:45 AM

Selorian72 - thanks for your comments and advice. have taken into consideration. much appreciated.

Buschman - thanks for your time. this is not actually an introduction but rather a whole piece. the last two sentences are additional comments and not part of the story.

***i have since given this story to the girl that inspired it. i hope she likes it. fingers crossed. - Brandon H.

Lovecraft_Fan89 · 05-13-2006, 12:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BrandonH

I hear music when I see her, the world dims around her silhouette and she takes centre stage in the movie of my life.

I LOVE that line! Nice job dude. I hope everything works out for you. However, I do agree, there were some punctuation and grammar errors. Other than that, though, fantastic piece.

BrandonH · 05-15-2006, 05:48 PM

Lovercraft_Fan89 - thank you for your time. I'm happy you like that line so much, as I believe it to be one of the truest lines i have ever written. to me, that is exactly how a crush feels. thanks again - BrandonH

LoneWolf · 05-18-2006, 08:19 PM

Lovely piece, very clean and nicely written. I liked it a lot. It reminded me of how nice crushes can be at times like that. Great work. I hope she liked it

LW

aliceedelweiss · 06-07-2006, 10:37 PM

everyone above spoke for the grammar, its perfect. Beautiful. I like it a lot, good luck with the girl. with something written that pretty, I don't think I could say no.
Alice

addix · 06-08-2006, 09:53 AM

Hey Brandon, that's a very nice story here. The very short format is something I'm personally fond of, and the subject is very appropriate for this format.

Quote:

Months of stolen glances have lent her a familiarity and I almost call out her name. But then I remember - she has never given me her name to use.

Those two sentences are sooo right! They perfectly render what it's like to... you know

Anyway, great job!

- Addix

zoya_brar · 06-08-2006, 11:03 AM

aww... that is so sweet