The opening to my new story. - Writers Forum

Daniel Malone · 04-21-2006, 01:27 PM

Here is the opening to my new short story. Any and all critiques welcome.

Deep inside a wide valley flows a creek. The water of the creek twists and flows over algae covered, brown rocks than a shallow pool than over the rocks again leading to another long pool of water. It flows in this description for miles. The creek current is mostly silent except an occasional gurgle here in there that creates a background chorus from the meandering current.

Hanging by their roots along the entire length of the creek bank are many trees. They provide shade for the already cool water and a hiding place for crawling critters. The creek is not only home to the small critters but also a home to something much stranger. For this creek is not ordinary like the rest. No this water vein of the forest has a secret.

I don’t know if you can call it a secret when a few know something’s wrong with the creek. Many people guess they know where the water comes from and why is contains so much evil. If they only knew the truth. Of course, most locals avoid the creek but every once in a while some unsuspecting stranger decides to sample what the creek has to offer. What they find out, if they don’t disappear, leaves them changed forever.

You see, this creek flows from no where, its beginning abruptly appears at the base of the hill with no hint of its origin. On this hill is a graveyard that no one alive remembers who is buried there. Some say the creek water is the buried souls endlessly flowing from the grave while others scoff as such nonsense. One thing they don’t scoff at is that the meandering water is bad and even the scoffers don’t tread in its path.

Butch · 04-21-2006, 02:18 PM

I like it, you use good vocabulary, however i would like to know what kind of evil it is.
It makes me want to read on, so keep up the good work.

Spark · 04-21-2006, 02:31 PM

Everything I changed is in blue.

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Deep inside a wide valley flows a creek. The water of the creek twists and flows over algae covered, brown rocks than a shallow pool than (than always a compairason. I am more angry than you. I have less money than him. Then is the word you want.) over the rocks again leading to another long pool of water. It flows in this description for miles. The creek's current is mostly silent except an occasional gurgle here and there that creates a background chorus from the meandering current. (Current is used twice... and it sounds odd, too, that sentence. And I'd question the word from in that sentence.)

Hanging by their roots along the entire length of the creek bank are many trees. They provide shade for the already cool water, and a hiding place for crawling critters. The creek is not only home to the small critters, but also a home to something much stranger. For (get rid of for)this creek is not ordinary like the rest. No, this water vein of the forest has a secret.

I don’t know if you (I always hesitate to use words like 'you' and 'we' unless there's a very good reason for it.) can call it a secret when a few know something’s wrong with the creek. Many people guess they know where the water comes from and why is contains so much evil. If they only knew the truth. Of course, most locals avoid the creek, but every once in a while some unsuspecting stranger decides to sample what the creek has to offer. What they find out, if they don’t disappear, leaves them changed forever.

You (see note above) see, this creek flows from no where: its beginning abruptly appears at the base of the hill with no hint of its origin. (Umm. Isn't that how most creeks start? Abruptly?) On this hill is a graveyard that which no one alive remembers who is buried there. Some say the creek water is the buried souls endlessly flowing from the grave, while others scoff as such nonsense. One thing they don’t scoff at is that the meandering water is bad, and even the scoffers don’t tread in its path.

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Okay well there was a lot of grammatical stuff to be worked out, but I guess it was decent. I'm a teeny bit curious about the creek, but I think it might be a teeeny bit overkill: there's only so much you can say about a body of water before it gets tedious.

--Spark

Daniel Malone · 04-21-2006, 04:20 PM

Thanks butch!

Spark, I appreciate your critique and will make changes from it. A creek is a part of several, small drains, ditches and springs. No creek abruptly comes out of a hill; you can alway find its source. However, if others don't realize this than I should change it.

I am creating an interesting scene about a haunted creek. I want people to think of their favorite or local stream so I wrote more detail. I will agree it may get tedious but the key word is "interest in the creek".

Thanks!