Any Darned Fool - Writers Forum

Muffin · 04-21-2006, 09:09 AM

Uncle George didn't speak much to me growing up. I'd say Aunt Sally did enough talking for the both of them. Before Aunt Sally, Uncle George had been married. Aunt Sally was on her third husband when she met Uncle George and he on his first wife. They started seeing each other, and when people started talking, they got excommunicated from the church, divorced, and married to each other.

When I was little, they came to my birthday parties. Aunt Sally was my Daddy's only sister who lived near him, and they tried to spend as much time with each other as possible. I thought that was sort of silly, since they hated each other growing up. Every time Aunt Sally left our house, Daddy would mutter something about the "darned fool" and about stealing his skates when he was eight.

As far as I could tell, Uncle George never said much of anything to anybody. Once when I was six, he broke his neck and had to wear a brace, but no one noticed much since he just sat rigidly the way he always did.

Then, in fifth grade, Daddy moved out and I didn't see much of Uncle George and Aunt Sally, except at Christmas and at special things, like weddings and such. In those instances, Aunt Sally would come and give me a card with a 20 dollar bill in it while looking down her nose at Mother. Then she'd stalk away without saying a word to me, which was a change I didn't mind much.

The summer I was 14 though, something quite out of the ordinary happened. My cousin Stephanie got married, and they asked me to sing at the wedding. I found this rather odd, since Aunt Sally and Daddy's other sister, Kaitlin, always were the ones to sing. It was their job.

But Stephanie asked me. So I did it.

They told me to come to the rehearsal, and Mother dropped me off at the door, since everyone looked down their nose at her since the divorce. Daddy's family was fickle that way.

I walked inside, and what did I see but Aunt Sally, wreaking havoc upon the whole place. She saw and halted her argument with the florist to strut over. I imagined her as a peacock, feathers all puffed, looking beautiful but dangerous.

"Annie dearest," her sticky sweet voice rang out. "I want to let you know," she looked around to make sure everybody was listening. "There are no hard feelings between us. I think you have a beautiful voice, especially for one of your generation. Are you going to do a little dance as well? Bring in a circus clown?"

I looked her in the eyes. "No ma'am." I didn't know what else to say. Her mouth smiled but her eyes did not. "Bob!" she yelled. "Get rid of that stupid ice sculpture!"

Such a fool I thought. I came by my singing honestly--from her.

"Aunt Sally, no!" Stephanie yelled. I whipped about just in time to see Aunt Sally send the ice sculpture crashing onto the floor. It shattered into a million pieces. Stephanie screamed and began to cry.

"Oh child, I'm so sorry!" Aunt Sally cried. "It was an accident, I didn't know-" Aunt Sally choked up some tears. Uncle George stepped forward with a towel and picked up the head, the only part of the swan left. But even that was quickly melting.

I rushed over to Stephanie. There was this sick feeling in my stomach. If only I had said no, if I had let Aunt Sally sing, then she wouldn't be so upset. I wanted to cry.

James stepped forward and held the elbow of his bride to be. "It's really all right Sally, we can get flowers and arrange them nicely on the same table..."

But she meant to do it! I wanted to say. Daddy took Aunt Sally by the arm and told her that it was all right. He said that they were family, that they all still loved. I looked at Daddy lying his ears off, and wished that this time he would just say something to her face about the darned fool.
****
I did cry the next morning as Mother curled my hair for the wedding. "I don't want to go!" I wailed.

"Annie, your Aunt Sally has always been the way she is, and there will always be people in your life like her. You need to learn to deal with it now." And she made me go.

Stephanie looked beautiful in her white gown, and James handsome in his tux. I told them so and we all smiled and hugged, but still on eggshells. That was what Daddy's family did, they painted on a smile and pretended nothing was wrong.

I could feel Stephanie tensing as we reached the reception room. I think the only person who didn't take note was Aunt Sally. But then again, maybe Aunt Sally did notice, she just didn't care.

I held my breath as the door opened. Stephanie gasped, and I turned my head to where she looked. And there it was, an intricate, freshly painted picture of the bride, right where the ice sculpture had been. Stephanie ran forward and started to cry again. She looked at James, but he shrugged and shook his head.

My eyes fell on Uncle George. He was smiling like I'd never seen him smile before. It was a smile that reached his eyes. And I knew it was him, and I loved him more than I ever had before.

Aunt Sally rushed forward and hugged Stephanie, and apologized like she meant it, and they cried together. I waited for Uncle George to say something, to say he'd replaced the sculpture. But he didn't, and that made me love him even more.

He was watching Aunt Sally with love. Maybe that was why he'd done it. Maybe he loved Aunt Sally enough to bail her out. I wondered how a good man like Uncle George could love someone like Aunt Sally. But maybe you didn't need a reason. Maybe, if you looked for it hard enough, you could find good in any darned fool.

Achilles · 04-21-2006, 09:32 AM

Muffin,

I think I agree with you; I like your other one better. This isn't bad by any means, but it just lacked the flair I thought some of your other writing had. I think the main reason for that may have been a common sentence length, which made the rhythm seem slightly droning.

On the other side, I think I liked the content better than some of your other stories.

Quote:

Once when I was six, he broke his neck and had to wear a brace, but no one noticed much since he just sat rigidly the way he always did.

Here's an example; this is excellent. Also, the ending was original and interesting.

One comment: the ice swan bothered me. Since it was the rehearsal -- at least a day before the wedding -- wouldn't the sculpture melt? I've always been under the impression that ice sculptures are bought on the day of the wedding. But then I've never been married, so I'm not the greatest resource. Do they keep things like that in the freezer?

It also seemed a little rushed to me. I would have enjoyed some longer, descriptive sentences to give a sense of setting.

Thanks for posting.

Achilles

kalrarii · 04-21-2006, 10:58 AM

Go first person narration. This is going to be a little thorough, I'm afraid, since I haven't revised or proofread for someone besides myself in quite some time. But remember that these are suggestions! You don't have to do sh** squat about anything I've torn apart here.

General:

One thing you didn't make absolutely clear in the beginning was whether or not the person telling the story was male or female. By the ninth paragraph it was clear. Try to slip it in somewhere latest by the fourth or fifth. Maybe you could say "I'd say Aunt Sally did enough talking for the both of them, and if Uncle George would've said "Annie" in the same tone I'd've been a very dangerous person indeed." or something like that. Then you've got both the name and the gender. Unless there are guys out there named Annie...

I like how you jumped right into family and didn't bother with "The sun was setting and I was looking out the window when I started thinking about Uncle George and Aunt Sally." or something unnecessary like that.

I love the way George and Sally are so ... different. "He was smiling like I'd never seen him smile before. It was a smile that reached his eyes." compared to "Her mouth smiled but her eyes did not." That's just lovely; I don't know if you meant for that to happen but it really just... works.

It's a interesting glance into someone's life, one that doesn't ramble on and on to just keep to the point. There were some awkward phrases and the such but you could still understand it. If you added a bit more and it didn't seem as rushed it would be lovely. ^_^

My Favorites:

"But Stephanie asked me. So I did it." It's so simple and gives you the feeling that this person would make a fool of themselves for family and ones dear.

"Maybe, if you looked for it hard enough, you could find good in any darned fool." A very nice end. I was almost afraid you would go blahblahblah about the wedding. I love the way the reader can believe that George and Sally could actually are a serious couple that works out without you having to blab about a lot of history. That's one of the harder things about "established relationships" in novels and short stories.

The Suggestions: (note: since this is first person you should just skip a lot of these, but the ones I think that could be skipped are marked with a ** after the comment in italics. Why not leave well enough alone? =) )

"They started seeing each other, and when people started talking, they go excommunicated from the church, divorced, and married to each other." I believe that you meant "got"? Does that "to" have to be there?

"Aunt Sally was my Daddy's only sister who lived near him, and they tried to spend as much time with each other as possible." I think this sentence doesn't need the "my" in front of "Daddy's". (when I talk to someone I know that I don't bother saying "my Daddy's" but just say "Daddy's") You understand it perfectly fine without it, and it makes the sentence longer. The bold part seems a little awkward. Maybe "that lived close by" or something along the same lines would be less so?

"...Daddy would mutter something about the "darned fool" and about stealing his skates when he was eight." I personally don't think that the "and about" needs to be there, and the repeated "about" makes it a bit awkward too. I think perhaps "...about how the "darned fool" stole his..." would fit better, if you don't like the way it sounds without the "and about" there. **

"...but no one noticed much since he just sat rigidly, the way he always did." This would sound better with the recommended comma (,).

"Then, in fifth grade, Daddy moved out and I didn't see much of Uncle George and Aunt Sally,| except at Christmas and at special things, like weddings and such." Maybe this could be broken into two sentences? Recommended break at the (|). **

"The summer I was 14, though..." I think this is self-explanatory.

"...Mother dropped me off at the door, since everyone looked down their nose at her since the divorce." No, this isn't suggested, you put that there yourself. I think it works better without it, how about you? But if the voice character voice in your head pauses at this point, keep this comma there. **

"I walked inside, and what did I see but Aunt Sally, wreaking havoc upon the whole place." I must admit that this sentence confused me quite a bit until I went back and read it again. I think "I walked inside, and who did I see wreaking havoc upon the place but Aunt Sally." is less awkward. You don't want the reader to have to look back and read again; editors usually don't have time!

"She saw ? and halted her argument with the florist to strut over." I think that you forgot "me" right here. One thing with writing, however, is that you don't want to "show, but tell". It's something you hear about all the time, but it's true. You can't really say that she saw you without telling, however, but you should still avoid saying "saw". Saw how? A glance, a look, a glare? So you might want to say "She glanced at me and halted..." or something like that. Just try to avoid "saw". There's a difference between the so called "novice voice" and the "character voice".

"I came by my singing honestly--from her." I'm not quite sure what you're trying to say with this sentence.

"...her face about the "darned fool"." Since you quoted the phrase earlier, I think it would be fitting to do so again.

"I did cry the next morning as Mother curled my hair for the wedding. "I don't want to go!" I wailed." It's rather obvious that if Annie was "crying the next morning" that she would be "wailing." You rarely should say something instead of "said." I tend to substitute actions and half of the time don't even say "said."

"I told them so and we all smiled and hugged, but still on eggshells." I really like the eggshells part because I know that feeling, but it's sort of cliche to say "I told them so and we...blahblahblah.". Again, show and not tell. "We were still on eggshells after we smiled and hugged at my compliments, though." or something might work towards the same meaning without a cliche. Well, scratch that. Make your own sentence, mine sucks. But you get what I mean, right? **

"Stephanie gasped, and I turned my head to where she looked." Eek, awkward. Maybe "...and I turned to follow her gaze" or maybe even "and everyone turned to follow her gaze."?

Other than that the story did seem a little rushed as mentioned. I was also wondering about the sculpture... But I guess that you would put the sculpture back in the freezer but have it out at "practice" so that you know it fits and such.

I think you should add a bit more about the wedding, but don't go blahblahblah over it, as I was afraid you would do. One of the great things about first person narration is that you can add the thoughts of Annie/whoever the storyteller is. You didn't really take advantage of this. Just some "I could never understand why.../that." and other similar sentences would help. You could also add one paragraph before the last one, where I feel that one was removed or forgotten. You could add a little about after the ceremony, and maybe Aunt Sally was talking with Stephanie and James and Uncle George was watching her? And then the last paragraph would come in.

And One Last Favorite So You Feel Better:

"He was smiling like I'd never seen him smile before. It was a smile that reached his eyes. And I knew it was him, and I loved him more than I ever had before." As mentioned in "General" this points out the differences between Sally's and George's characters. But it's also a description that doesn't give too much but not too little at the same time. It's the novels that should say the little details, like "It was a smile that turned on the twinkle in his eyes and brightened his face.". This is a short story, and short stories should be simple with a hint of detail. Just right!

Note:

1. When I wrote this I was a little rushed, so some things might be confusing, so just ask me if someone seems a little weird. (EDIT: Oops, I meant something, lol)
2. Yeah, it got a little thorough. >.> But as I said before, each and every suggestion is only that - a suggestion:
((suggestion -> suggested: 1: To offer for consideration or action))
3. I don't think I've had this much fun correcting someone else's work before.

Muffin · 04-21-2006, 05:42 PM

Hey, thanks for taking all the time to post. (Achilles, I know stories aren't really what u do, but thanks for posting anyway.)

Hey kalrarii, thanks so much for being so detailed! I really enjoyed reading your critique. At the beginning when you said you were going to get lengthy, I thought you were going to completely tear it apart, but everything you said was constructive, and I really appreciate that. I think I will use a lot of your suggestions, because it does make it better. What I don't enjoy is when I disagree that the suggestion betters the story. So thanks for all your advice, it was good!

It's not the best thing I've written, and I'm still working on other stuff, but I had a burst of creativity, so I just wrote. I guess that's what I'm supposed to do, huh? lol

kalrarii · 04-22-2006, 05:53 AM

You're welcome, it was pretty fun to critique it. ^_^ I don't mind if you don't use any of my suggestions, I just like to know that I gave you my opinion on things. :)

Ah, yes, the bursts of creativity... Mine usually last about three hours and then take a good day or so to recharge, unless I've been planning for a while and know what I'm doing.