IJS

“Are you okay, honey? I know it’s been a really tough time for you lately,” Aleks Slade asked his wife, Rebecca Slade, concern lingering in his voice. She didn’t reply. Aleks didn’t really expect one but each time he spoke to her, he prayed to God she would say something. Even a ‘fuck-you’ would’ve been great. Warm moisture had outlined against Aleks’s light blue eyes.

She simply lied lifelessly against the couch, as always. Aleks often wondered if she was dead. The visible heaving of her breasts had negated those thoughts. But she was dead. They had killed her. He swelled with anger. She was so beautiful, and they killed her beauty. Ruined her. Tears streamed down Aleks face and he retained his calm demeanor.

“Honey . . . I want to go the store for some groceries. I want to fix us something to eat, something I know you’ll love. Baby, you need to eat.” She didn’t answer, she simply stared through him. Aleks wondered if she saw him. “Do you want to come with me?”

Finally, Aleks noticed a bit of acknowledgement on her part. She nodded. He smiled faintly. There was still some life left in her. Her near-comatose state remained unchanged during the ride to the store.

Aleks unbuckled his seatbelt when alarm had come over him.

“Rebecca?” She was crying feverishly and had covered her mouth with one hand and compressed it with the other. “Rebecca?!”

She pointed clearly in the direction of a tall, lanky blonde-headed man placing groceries into an SUV. Aleks looked closer and saw that the man had a tattoo on his hand, not just any tattoo; Aleks recognized it as the insignia of a notorious crime organization.

“Him!” she said, fright clear in her voice. Suddenly Aleks understood.

“Was he one of the men who hurt you?” She had sunk into the seat of the car and had not stopped crying. She nodded. “Are you sure?” She nodded once more.

Aleks got out of the car and all at once, fury and adrenaline rushed through his body, flowing from his toes to the top of his head.

You killed my wife! You son of a bitch, you broke her! What did she do?! Aleks wanted to scream.



* * *


Beck Holden felt like an idiot. His boss had told him to go get some food for him and the crew. Why did they always give him shitty jobs? He worked for some of the most important people in the city and instead of doing something highly productive, he had to go get food.

Beck’s attention turned to the slam of a car door where a husky man with a tan complexion and short black hair had stepped out of. His piercing blue eyes laid on him. Beck ignored it and continued stocking groceries.

* * *


Aleks knew what he had to do. An eye for an eye, he thought. You kill my wife, I kill you . . . and your mother. Hand-to-hand combat training during his stint in the Special Forces came back to him. He tried hard to remember . . . the solar plexus, the temple, and the groin. The three ‘hot spots’ his commanding officer had called them. Then all at once, all his training came back to him.

Aleks knew what to do; the scenario about to take place played in his mind in one quick blur.

“You motherfucker,” the cold voice sounded from Aleks. The man named Beck turned around, a glare on his face. With surprising quickness, Aleks jammed his fist into Beck’s solar plexus. He let out a low guttural sound and dropped to his knees clutching his entire abdomen.


Aleks reared his entire arm back and fired his palm into Beck’s nose. The blow was fatal and the man dropped onto his back, his knees splayed awkwardly upwards. It wasn’t until then that Aleks noticed the gleaming golden badge covering the buckle of his belt. Aleks nearly staggered back at its sight. He saw what it said. Federal Bureau of Investigation.He knew how fucked he was.

Aleks thought for a moment and his mind went back to the FBI agent he spoke with when they had recovered Rebecca.

“We’ve got an agent working under cover, we’re going to bust this crime syndicate down – I promise you,” he had said.

Aleks pondered for a moment, looked back at Rebecca who wore a blank expression, and began searching the dead FBI agent. Surely he should have a gun.

FloridaJay

Wow. Good writing, great story (although I've heard/read/seen something like that before). It's a little vague in spots - really it needs to be lengthened, more detail given. All in all, it was good read, the opening paragraphs really kept me interested. Keep up the good work (and fatten this story up)

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Anarkos

Although technically correct, I don't think this sentence reads too well. I would drop the "asked his wife, Rebecca" clause, and change the next sentence to "His wife didn't..."

Nice juxtaposition of sentence structures though.

1) The "one" in the second sentence here sounds a tiny little bit off. The words "anything else" might fit a litte better?
2) Italics are generally considered to be bad form. If something needs to stand out, it should stand out on its own accord and all that.
3) The third sentence here is really clumsy. That's mainly because it's in passive voice.

This sentence has no real problems, but it has such gravity to it that I think it should be...punchier. First, I'd drop the adverb "lifelessly".

"She simply lay on the couch, as always. Her body was so lifeless that..."

[quote=IJS] Aleks often wondered if she was dead. The visible heaving of her breasts had negated those thoughts. But she was dead. They had killed her. He swelled with anger. She was so beautiful, and they killed her beauty. Ruined her. Tears streamed down Aleks face and he retained his calm demeanor. [quote=IJS]

1) Nice use of sohrt sentence for impact.
2) Drop the italics.
3) I don't like the "killed her beauty". Just "killed her" would be more effective I think.
4) Apostrophe!
5) The last sentence here is...odd. "Calm demeanor" is a little too wordy, and it seems to clash with the tears. How about just "Tears streamed down Aleks's calm, expressionless face."
6) This would be a good time to mention his special forces training. It's best not to spring that sort of thing on the reader when it becomes needed, but to foreshadow it. How about "He'd learned how to hide is emotions well. You had to in the Special Forces. It was hard though. He loved her so much."

1) Repetition of "I want"...is that intentional? Generally it's best not to start multiple sentence in a row with the same words...
2) Should be a semi-colon or full stop not a comma between "answer" and "she". Commas join subordinate clauses to coordinate clauses, not coordinate clauses to each other. If it makes sense on its own, you can't weld it onto another sentence with a comma.
3) Nice emotion.

[quote=IJS Finally, Aleks noticed a bit of acknowledgement on her part. She nodded. He smiled faintly. There was still some life left in her. Her near-comatose state remained unchanged during the ride to the store. [/quote]

Nothing wrong here, but I'd like some more suspense and drama, and would also split the part about the drive off into a new paragraph, and add a little more too it. Maybe mention that he found it hard to focus on the road, not her?

Also, um, mention that he'd parked.

This sentence is plain ugly. Having read the rest of the story, I'm certain you can come up with better. It is also a little nonsensical; why would he unbuckle his seatbelt in alarm?

I don't especially like the description of Rebecca's actions here. I think it needs some stronger imagery.

I would break this sentence into two. One about her trembling hand pointing, the other Aleks looking down it and seeing the man.

1) "Notorious crime organisation" is just plain silly. Why not "gang"?
2) Gang tattoos tend to be small, blurred and faded. That's what happens when they're done with a VCR motor and a broken ballpoint pen. It seems a bit odd that Aleks would be able to so clearly identify it.
3) Sadly though, fade/hand tattoos are generally a sign of gang affiliation anyway, so you don't really need him to recognise the insignia...just that it is a gang tattoo.

1) Italics! Bad!
2) "had not stopped crying" is a little awkward.

This sentence just plain doesn't make sense. "and all at once"...what?

How about: "Adrenaline and fury flowed through Aleks, propelling him from the car [like a shot?]".

Italics are fine for thoughts, but I've never been a fan of writing them like dialogue. I would also put the "Aleks wanted to..." at the start not the the end of this...or in the middle I guess.

What's the point of this perspective shift? I understand you're looking at it from the criminal's perspective but, uh, why?

1) Italics aren't really necessary here.
2) "and your mother" is the most hilarious line I've read in a long time...but it doesn't fit the tone of the story.
3) "eye for an eye" is a little bit cliche.

1) The first sentence is awkward.
2) He's supposed to be an ex Special Force bad motherfucker. Said bad motherfuckers do not have to struggle to remember. Hand to hand combat training, including most martial arts, is all about training muscle memory and instinct. As I understand it, the last thing you want to do is think consciously about it. That just slows you down.
3) This is very simplistic stuff, and they're hardly the only "hot spots". Throat, base of the nose, temple...
4) Be more specific about the commanding officer.
5) The struggle...remember is a little...odd. Maybe have him wondere about whether he still has his skills/instincts, then have the criminal make eye contact and it all flash back to him?

Unnecessary. It also contr

Awkward. Said is fine. Or just "Aleks' voice was as cold as life."

1) The rest of this, aside from the interlude, has been from Aleks's viewpoint. Raising Beck's name breaks our connection with Aleks, as Aleks doesn't know his name. The narrator is stepping outside the viewpoint character...
2) "A glare on his face" is a little weak.

1) Leave out the "with surprising quickness".
2) Be more clear about who "he is".
3) Beck must have really fucking big hands...or just a tiny abdomen.

Just a point on fighting...pulling your arm back past your body and centre of gravity can often actually weaken the hit. If you want a snappy hit to the nose, pulling his elbow into his hip then firing from his waste, turning the hips and letting the arm whiplash out would be more fitting...and the angle would work a little better for a fatal hit to the nose.

[Remember: Hits to the nose are fatal if and when they drive the cartilage up into the brain. Beck has just been winded, and is grabbing his stomach, so hitting his nose up into his brain is hard, if not impossible...wouldn't his head be down? Either way, Aleks's hit needs to rise from below...]

Maybe specify that Beck had raised his head was trying to look Aleks in the eye, 'cause that makes a hit to the nose more plausible. Or kill him with a hammerfist to the temple instead.

Breaking out of viewpoint again. How does Aleks know the blow was fatal?

1) Too many sentences starting with "he".
2) What kind of undercover agent wears his badge? Doesn't that defeat the purpose of being...undercover?

I'd suggest that you fix those two issues by having Aleks hit the guy, and only afterwards realise that the blow could be fatal. Y'know; in 'Nam, killing people didn't matter, so it was instinct, but... Then have him drop to his knees over the corpse and grab the guy's wrist to check his pulse...find that he's dead..then notice "tattoo" ink on his fingers...have the guy's gang tats be fake, which fits with him being a fed...

I don't think you need this much detail about what Aleks remembered. Just "The Feds had told him they had a man undercover. This must have been their man." would have been enough.

Pretty good tale all up, though it's a little incomplete, and I am a total sucker for street justice...

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IJS

Thank you two very much. I appreciate the response and, thank you Anarkos, for the lengthy critique.

IJS

Because it's not a gang. It's much more organized and I guess, on a higher level, than a street gang would be.


Haha, yeah, I tried to pull a Koontz here and add humor to a serious situation. Also, trying to emphasize how far he would go for his wife.







I actually meant that his arms and hands were splayed across his abdomen... and so 'clutching' it. I'll fix that.



He's off duty. The supposedly irrelevent part where it's in the criminals perspective was suppose to sort of hint that.


And concerning his Special Forces stint and the combat. I didn't want to mention every single 'hot-spot' just the ones that he remembered. But you're right there was a lot of weakness in that area.

Thanks again for the critique just thought I'd respond to some of it.

eggo

Hey IJS,

After Anarkos's excellent crit, there isn't much left to crit. I read it straight up as it sat.

The POv shift in the middle as Ark said was very jolting.

Beck was buying not stocking groceries

The special forces thing coming back all of a sudden was kind of hoaky.

Other than that it was a fun read. The ending was an excellent solution to the problem.

Thanks

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