Chris and the Psycho- My children's parody - Writers Forum

Deagon777 · 04-21-2006, 02:50 AM

Meet Chris. Chris is a boy. Chris is athletic. Chris is nice.

Meet the Psycho. The Psycho is a... well.... The Psycho is rather homely. The Psycho is a psycho.

One day, Chris and the Psycho were playing on he teeter-totter. Chris giggled suddenly and said, "I especially like the teetering part. The Psycho, what about you?"

"Grrr,... du-raaah!" replied The Psycho pleasantly.

"I like that, too," said Chris. Chris decided he was bored with teetering and tottering. Chris decided to get off, sending The Psycho plummeting to the ground.

"GRRRRRRRAAAHHHH!!!" screeced The Psycho. The Psycho ripped off the handlebars he was loosely gripping earlier and proceeded to tear the rest of the teeter-totter off of the hinge. The Psycho threw the long peice of board across the playground and it smashed into a Mercedes, causing the car alarm to go off.

A dog was inside the Mercedes, which was on, and it panicked and put the car in neutral by accident. The car was on a sloping road and it rolled down with enough speed that when it hit the fire hydrant, the fire hydrant spewed out water with great force.

Water was The Psycho's natural enemy, and when some got onto The Psycho's face he went into a frenzy. The Psycho ran around the playground, flailing his arms over his head. The Psycho ripped a play wheel out of the and thew it Frisbee-style into a building.

After the dust settled, Chris stood where the teeter-totter once rested, and giggled.

THE END

sanctuary · 04-21-2006, 05:47 PM

that was...interesting....The piece flows nicely, and there are no Grammar mistakes that I can see. All-in-all, it was a nice job, and a good piece.

aliceedelweiss · 04-21-2006, 05:48 PM

(i noticed your avatar.... I love lost!!! I can't wait for the new episodes)

This is cute

I honestly don't know what to say about it critique-wise. but its cute. You have some typos here or there, I'm sure if you read over it you might see them. like you put "play wheel out of the and thew it" but i kind of understood what you meant anyhow.

There was only one part I didn't get over all:

Quote:

A dog was inside the Mercedes, which was on, and it panicked and put the car in neutral by accident.

what do you mean, "which was on?" the car was on? the way its written it sounds like you said the dog is wrong, because of verbs and grammar and all that crazy stuff I can't explain properly. maybe say "The Mercedes was on, and there was a dog inside." or don't say that it was on at all. If I'm correct, cars don't have to be on to be put into neutral. but I only have my permit and I hardly drive so don't trust me on that one...

Alice

Deagon777 · 04-22-2006, 11:37 PM

Because it is only from the narrorator's view which both Chris and the Psycho's, it doesn't tell the story of the Mercedes, which is:

'John, after realizing his anniversary was tomorrow, quickly drove his Mercedes to the Dollar Tree to get a cheap (yet expensive looking)gift. He took Chip-chip, his dog, for his wife always seemed to abuse the poor fellow when he was out. Ignoring the painted yellow 'No Parking- Fire Lane' on the place where he parked, John left the car running as he parked it (A rich person in a Dollar Tree? Outrageous!).

About the 'play wheel' thing, I really didn't know how to put it. I meant the thing where it's, like, a large circle on an axle with handbars separating it into fractions. Kids often try to get it to spin so fast that they barf. Dunno what tit's called....

Oh, and thanks, I'll fix the car thing.