The things in the fog - Writers Forum

Butch · 04-19-2006, 05:01 PM

Hi i am Ben and i am 14 years old, i like writing and here is a short piece of what i have wrote.

The things in the fog
Jimmy walked down the street, it was a cold day and Jimmy was walking home.
It was now becoming dark and so Jimmy quickened his pace.
However as Jimmy hurriedly walked on, he did not notice the thin and just visibla layer of dull white fog encirdle him.
As Jimmy walked a corner the fog began to upsurge.
Jimmy suddenly noticed the white, eerie for start to engilf him, he became worried, scared.
So he started a light jog and then he noticed the black object in the distance.
What is that?
Jimmy wondered what it was, he walked steadily forward and as he got closer to the black object he could see it more easily.
No features were reconisible apart from the unquestionable outline of a man.
Jimmy saw it more clearly now.
The man's hood was hung and the head bowed.
Suddenly the fog became intensly thick.
It was hard to breath, impossible to see.
As he walked on he did not notice the six hooded figures encircle him until it was to late.
He was surrounded by six hooded figures.
What did they want with him?
Who were they?
Questions ran through Jimmy's mind.
And then suddenly Jimmy's mind went black as he was hit in the head from behind.
He collapsed to the floor unconsious.
Knew, fresh blood ran freely out of Jimmy's head.
And then one by one, Jimmy and the six hooded figures vanished into the black night sky.
Then slowly, second by second, so did the fog.

To be continued

aliceedelweiss · 04-21-2006, 05:40 PM

Hi there Ben

it makes me so happy to see young people who like to write! wait, what am I saying? I am young too! I'm 15.

Theres a lot of stuff you still have yet to learn, but I won't go into too much detail so you don't feel like I'm beating the snot out of your work

you said "jimmy" a lot, maybe come up with new pronouns? use he more often, if you must. It's hard to mix up pronouns, but Jimmy was easy to notice because it was said so many times. And maybe you should write in paragraphs? or was this set up this way for effect? Most stories are written in paragraphs(when I first started writing, I didn't make paragraphs either. I thought it was too hard)

I'm really glad to hear that you want you like to write

and I really really hope you learn how and get really good, its a great feeling (not that I'm "really good" I'm just OK but still) oh there was one other thing I got.

Quote:

He was surrounded by six hooded figures.

we already know that the other character is hooded, so instead of repeating hooded, maybe say "dressed like the first figure"?

Well, I wish you luck with your writing. I'll give you a tip, I have this book about writing fiction. (here is a link to some information about it: http://www.writingclasses.com/Produc...ublicationID/1)
It is the best book about writing I have ever read, and it really help me get better. I suggest that, if you are really wanting to get good, you should try and find this book, buy it, keep it forever. You'll love it. I did. I still take it out and go through parts of it before I read. It's like a gift from heaven. [-o<

Alice

PS: I just noticed I read one of your other stories, and I went kind of harsh on you. I'm sooo sorry. I didn't know you were 14 then, but I know how much that must have hurt you to be told that you needed to fix this and that and the other, because when you first write you feel so confident in yourself. I am so sorry. I feel really bad about it, honestly. I hate hurting other people, especially young writers because I used to be just like you (I got really mad at someone once because they critiqued me harshly. I went crazy) To make it up to you, if you ever need help or want me to look over something for you, just PM me and I'll give it all I've got

Butch · 04-21-2006, 06:07 PM

Ok, if i need help i will do, thank you.

imrhati · 04-21-2006, 06:15 PM

this seemed pointless, you built no tension up to the point were the hooded figures bludgeoned jimmy. in a story everything needs a cuase, each character will react differently and their reactions will cuase the pot to move forward.

i hope that you will continue to write and keep practicing.

Breaksy · 04-22-2006, 03:27 PM

Thats a bit harsh, i think its good but could be improved in places.

Archduke Robert of France · 04-22-2006, 09:13 PM

You used "Jimmy" too much. It's repetitive and you should use "he" and the such. Also, there was no tension until Jimmy got annihilated by these ghoulish figures. You may also want to proofread, like it is "new" and not "knew".

Still good though! When you are finished improving it, it will be an excellent read.