sanctuary

First part of a story I'm writing....what do you think????



A creaking sound echoed through the house as the basement door was opened, the un-oiled hinges were the only noise in the silence. The warped stairs groaned as the old man walked down them, a shotgun in his hand. His wife lay in bed, naïve to her husband’s plans. The house fell silent in those last moments, as if it were the calm before the storm. A shot rang out in the house, awakening the old man’s wife. She called for him, but he did not answer. He could not answer. She searched for him in several rooms before heading down to the basement. His body lay in the middle of the room, half of his head blown off from the force of the bullet. The old woman stood over him shocked. He can’t be gone, she thought frantically. She stood there for a few moments, before turning and walking away robotically. Grabbing the clothesline from the kitchen, she walked up to the attic, muttering unintelligently to herself. The old woman had gone insane. When the police came in response to the shot, they would find that she hanged herself from the old-fashioned ceiling fan, the blades whirring in the silent house…

Years later, a family moved in, and the oldest daughter used the attic for her room. They had heard of the story, but they thought it was just that…a story. And after a while, they chalked up the strange noises to the fact that the house was old. But the oldest girl knew something was wrong. At night, when the house was at it’s quietest, she would lay in bed and hear the whirring of fan blades… but there was no ceiling fan in that room anymore. There hasn’t been one there for fifteen years.

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Crazy_dude6662

the first part was kinda creepy..i want to know more...
eg why did the man commit suicide!?!?!

the second part was the same i was wondering what was gonna happen to the eldest daughter

I WANT MORE!

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Rose (possesed by Cassandra) : oh chavtastic again

McSteamy:if it isnt my faviourite Dirty Mistress
Meradith (high on morphine) : havn't you heard? now i'm an Adulterous Whore!

sanctuary

It's actually a partly true story.A legend about my old house....
still not talking to you though....

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aliceedelweiss

nice job Sancy(thats your new name ) Its really cool. I like the voice you use, very suspenseful, and it seems to be going in a good dirrection...I'll certainly read anymore you put up, but can I give one warning? Trying not to get cliche with the plot, not that I think you are at this point, I have no idea what you're doing with the plot at this point, but Horror stories are sometimes cliche...and so far, this is too good to be ruined because of cliches

Alice

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sanctuary

Well , the story that i've heard about the attic, from my old house, was that the oldwoman killed herself after she found her husband in thebasement dead. I've slept in the attic before, because it's my cousin's room, and you hear the fan blades, but the fan has been broken for years. Its doesnt work any more. So I thought it would be fun to write about it....

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aliceedelweiss

oh. its even cooler that its true...please, if you continue, PM me a link

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sanctuary

sure.

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Wisp

Just a quick warning, that my critique may get long, but don't worry, that is usual. I will first point out the mistakes I find, things I like, and things I think could be made better, then I will give a brief overview.



First off, you said the door was creaking, but than it was screeching. So maybe reword it, like the creaking came from wooden stairs, and the screeching came from the hinges.


Needs a sentence in-between, to rack up some suspense.


Nice.


Good except it would look better if worded like-
"His body lay in the middle of the room, his head half blown off from the force of the bullet. Chunks of flesh and blood lay on the floor, as the old woman stood over him, mouth open, gaping in shock."


Needs a little more expression than just a 'thought', her husband just committed suicide!


Talk about her walking up to the attic, her feelings etc.


Nice.


'A' should be lower case. Maybe you should say 'myth' instead of the second 'story'. Also, the elipse (...) has three periods, not four.


Nice, except the elipse (...) has three periods instead of four.

Oooooh very nice. But remember, the 'But' at the start of this sentence should be lowercase, becuase it continues off of the elipse.

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Overall, the story had a nice touch to it. You have a good voice, you just need to polish it, and create more detail in your story. Looks like a great start, nice job.

sanctuary

will fix everything, but I blame the computer, it likes to mess with my words!!

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Oasis Writer

Quote:

A creaking sound echoed through the house as the basement door was opened, the un-oiled hinges were the only noise int the silence.

Should be in.

Otherwise, the story was very very quick. I think you could have went into several discriptions very quickly and easily and made this itself, twenty pages. But, I think that wasn't the effect you wanted. I read it three times, and I think you wanted one of those ghost tales you here on camping trips, those short little stories that really getcha. Nice short story. Good work.

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Butch

I like it and it makes me want to read more.
I think it is clevely written and prepared thoughtfuly.
When are you writting some more?

sanctuary

Thanks for the critiques on the first part! I will try to finish it by tomorrow, I hope.

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Sparx

Yes very chilling. The description is good and i also like the voice of the narrator. Its very detatched which adds to the suspensful tone. I don't understand why the woman hanged herself thought but that point may possibly be cleared up in future parts. I look forward to reading more.

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"KNIVES AND RHYMES"