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| Short Stories Short Stories, usually between 500 and 2000 words. |
04-17-2006, 09:51 PM
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#1
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: in the prison of my own mind
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,645
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Ella stole my Fella!
Ella Stole My Fella!
Yeah, yeah, everyone thought Ella was so sweet and so abused. Ha! They were so wrong. She mistreated us, and acted like we were the horrible ones. She even made up that cockamamie story about sleeping in the cinders by the fireplace. Cinderella my ass. She had a perfectly good bed in the barn. But nooo, she had to be picky…so what if she had to cook, clean and maintain the house? My sister and I had better things to do, like meeting our future husbands. And I had met mine. Oh, he was so handsome, and royalty too! We were on the dance floor during the ball, and I was barely stepping on his toes, I swear! I believe he was even falling for me. But nooo, that stupid twit had to show up. Ella stole him away from me by dressing up like a slut. I think she practiced witchcraft while pretending she was doing chores…whatever. You think she would stop at that, but Ella was out for our blood. She came out with her sob story and BAM, my family was ostracized! We had to move to another country to get away from the bad rep that evil wanker created. Now here I am, cleaning up after these wretched people, while she lives in a castle, turning her nose up at us! Cinderella, Cinderella, they proclaim throughout the land. I wonder how they’d react if they knew her hair color wasn’t natural…. Yes, I’m saying it. She’s a bottled-blonde!! And she i'snt 'all natural' if you know what I mean! Unless you believe paying for something makes it yours.But no one would believe me over that wannabe fairy-tale princess. Don’t worry. They’ll pay. I’ll make them pay!!!…
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Last edited by sanctuary : 04-18-2006 at 04:44 PM.
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04-17-2006, 10:04 PM
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#2
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Scribe
Join Date: Feb 2006
Gender: Male
Posts: 85
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This made me laugh! The wicked step-sister has her side of the story too. But, I reckon the gentryman won't be too put off when he finds out Ella isn't a real blonde!
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04-18-2006, 12:20 PM
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#3
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Wordsmith
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: *sigh* in dublin (like a sane person)
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,858
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hehe...
i really liked this..
i didnt see any spelling or grammar mistakes..but then again my spelling and grammar suck so... lol
but it was really good.
keep up the good work  |
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04-18-2006, 12:44 PM
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#4
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Again, WHY do you care? If you must know, sanctuarys house
Gender: Female
Posts: 397
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lol good one Ang
love it
__________________
"Some painters transform the sun into a yellow spot, others transform a yellow spot into the sun."
"If I knew the world would come to an end tomorrow, I'd still plant an apple tree today"
"The only thing that keeps me from going homicidal is my distaste for manual labor."
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04-18-2006, 02:50 PM
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#5
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: America...
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,720
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by sanctuary
Dressed up like a slut, Ella stole him away from me.
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Um this is the only thing that looked 'off'. Perhaps you could switch the two parts of the sentence around? I.E. "Ella stole him away from me by dressing up like a slut." ...Or something like that.
 I really liked your view of Cinderella...it made good reading... |
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04-18-2006, 04:41 PM
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#6
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Maryland
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,113
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Very entertaining narrative. I expected it to read more like a story, but I rather liked the informal narration. A few nitpicks: "witchery" is archaic and stood out among all the slang. I suggest using the modern form, "witchcraft." Also, there were several times where you could have omitted "that." Having them makes it somewhat wordy since "that" is often understood in the English language. "Isnt" also needs an apostrophe.
Those are just very minor errors most people would pass by. Honestly, I couldn't find anything else to critique. Good job with this.
Achilles
__________________
The Palace Flophouse
When Newton closed his eyes beneath a tree
and took the apple from the serpent, he
conceived the urge of humanity, plea, plea,
procreant desire and tendency.
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04-18-2006, 04:45 PM
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#7
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: in the prison of my own mind
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,645
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thanks for the critiques!!!
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04-19-2006, 02:05 PM
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#8
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Wordsmith
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Sailing the darkness of the Cosmos with this planet as my vessel
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,470
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I'snt should be Isn't and space after yours.But. So it looks like yours. But. Otherwise, it seems these parodies are very popular. I've read a few fairytales from CD and laughed and this one was pretty funny. Poor Cinderella |
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04-19-2006, 03:13 PM
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#9
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Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Baldwin, NY
Gender: Male
Posts: 19
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by sanctuary
Ella Stole My Fella!
Yeah, yeah, everyone thought Ella was so sweet and so abused. Ha! They were so wrong. She mistreated us, and acted like we were the horrible ones. She even made up that cockamamie story about sleeping in the cinders by the fireplace. Cinderella my ass. She had a perfectly good bed in the barn. But nooo, she had to be picky…so what if she had to cook, clean and maintain the house? My sister and I had better things to do, like meeting our future husbands. And I had met mine. Oh, he was so handsome, and royalty too! We were on the dance floor during the ball, and I was barely stepping on his toes, I swear! I believe he was even falling for me. But nooo, that stupid twit had to show up. Ella stole him away from me by dressing up like a slut. I think she practiced witchcraft while pretending she was doing chores…whatever. You think she would stop at that, but Ella was out for our blood. She came out with her sob story and BAM, my family was ostracized! We had to move to another country to get away from the bad rep that evil wanker created. Now here I am, cleaning up after these wretched people, while she lives in a castle, turning her nose up at us! Cinderella, Cinderella, they proclaim throughout the land. I wonder how they’d react if they knew her hair color wasn’t natural…. Yes, I’m saying it. She’s a bottled-blonde!! And she i'snt 'all natural' if you know what I mean! Unless you believe paying for something makes it yours.But no one would believe me over that wannabe fairy-tale princess. Don’t worry. They’ll pay. I’ll make them pay!!!…
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It would be funnier if this had an email heading. |
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