The Three Little Bastards...I Mean Piggies...549 words...also apparently funny - Writers Forum

Crazy_dude6662 · 04-16-2006, 04:23 PM

The Three Little Bastards...I Mean Piggies

Those snot nosed little bastards! Those pigs are at it AGAIN! They know I’m vegetarian and they won’t leave me alone! It’s always “oohh look, I spilled grease on me” or “oh no I have a big cut” or “oh I’m so fat, tender and juicy” assholes!...okay I’m getting slightly ahead of myself, the names wolf and I’m a vegetarian, I know…unusual, I had bad experiences with dead things that weren’t quite…dead…
Anyway, those pigs just love rubbing it in! I hate them so much, it’s no wonder everyone eats those things!

They have build houses, out of straw, sticks and bricks. I, being a Good Samaritan, decided to let them know they were not safe! So I went up and knocked on the straw door of the first piggy, they had been teasing me a lot lately and he thought my good gesture was bad...
So I knocked on the door and cried “little pig let me in” and he called back “no not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin” so there I am, standing there going what the hell? Freakin’ weirdo, so I asked politely again but he refused, so I did what anyone else would have done, I threatened to blow his house down, he, get this, laughs, right in my face, so I took a deep breath and blew his house down, he screamed “OH SHIT!” then he crapped himself and ran, into the friggen house made of sticks, retarded pigs.
So I went up again to tell them it wasn’t safe, but the same thing happened, they then ran into the house of bricks, finally we were getting somewhere!.
So I knocked and tried to explain myself, but they told me to piss off, and they threatened to call the woodsman, well after hearing what happened to my cousin I scarpered!
The next day, I baked them a pie, I went to the house again, the greedy bastards saw the pie and decided to let me in. so I stepped through the door and WHAM, a paint can hit me on the head!
I stood up and I looked around, they were gone, the oven door was open with the gas full on…I thought what the hell? I was about to walk over and a match flew in the window, BOOM!!! I went flying and landed on the ground, singed and cryi-…I mean taking it like a man, but no worse for wear. And these pigs jump on me, they tied me up and cackled, they were going to eat me!
Well they started to tuck in to my tender flesh, arguing over which bit they each got!
I was so enraged I lost it!
I snapped the bonds and they screamed

Ending ONE –

I snapped each one of them up, I didn’t mean to…I was so angry…so now here I am, about to be shot by a woodsman even though the pigs started it!

Ending TWO –
Well I completely blacked out, I cant remember anything until I was licking the blood of my hands, so here I am, being blamed for a crime I didn’t commit, about to be shot by the hunts man, even though they started it! Well I guess this is the en-

hope you enjoyed it and thanks for the time

Gardensway16 · 04-16-2006, 05:51 PM

I really enjoyed reading this story! Although, I found many grammar mistakes involving sentence structure and punctuation. But, even after seeing those, they do not take away from the humor of this story. It would be easier to read, however, if it was corrected.
Thumbs up to the best version of the three little pigs I've ever heard!

Oasis Writer · 04-17-2006, 06:04 PM

Oh my god that's hillarious. I was going to critique it and give you grammar and all that stuff, but man, this is stellar by itself. Awesome work. I haven't laughed this hard in a while. Great work.

Crazy_dude6662 · 04-17-2006, 06:06 PM

thank you

im gonna have to correct the grammar and all that...

Cold Twilight · 04-18-2006, 02:17 PM

Meh-heh-heh!

I am going to go after the grammar and spelling CD...
Don't take it personal!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crazy_dude6662

Those snot-nosed little bastards! Those pigs are at it AGAIN! They know I’m vegetarian and they won’t leave me alone! It’s always “(O)ohh look, I spilled grease on me(.)” or “(O)h no(,) I have a big cut(,)” or “(O)h I’m so fat, tender and juicy(!)”(.) (A)ssholes! ...(O)kay I’m getting slightly ahead of myself[;] the name(')s (W)olf and I’m a vegetarian, I know…unusual, I had bad experiences with dead things that weren’t quite…dead…
Anyway, those pigs just love rubbing it in! I hate them so much, it’s no wonder everyone eats those things!

Umm, ok. Yeah. Everything in parentheses is my correction/addition to your sentences... You DO NOT, repeat NOT have to take any of my changes into consideration if you believe they mess up your story... 'k?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crazy_dude6662

They have buil(t) houses, out of straw, sticks and bricks. I, being a Good Samaritan, decided to let them know they were not safe! So I went up and knocked on the straw door of the first piggy[;] they had been teasing me a lot lately and he thought my good gesture was bad...
So I knocked on the door and cried “(L)ittle pig let me in(!)” and he called back “(N)o(,) not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin(!)” so there I (was), standing there going what the hell? Freakin’ weirdo(.)

So I asked politely again but he refused, so I did what anyone else would have done, I threatened to blow his house down(.) (H)e, get this, laughs, right in my face, so I took a deep breath and blew his house down(.) (H)e screamed “OH SHIT!”(,) then he (take this word out) crapped himself and ran, into the friggen(') house made of sticks[;] retarded pigs.

So I went up again to tell them it wasn’t safe, but the same thing happened, (and) they then ran into the house of bricks, finally we were getting somewhere! (took away the period you had here)

So I knocked and tried to explain myself, but they told me to piss off, and they (and take this word out too) threatened to call the woodsman(.) (W)ell after hearing what (had) happened to my cousin(,) I scarpered!

The next day, (take the comma out, don't need it) I baked them a pie, (and this comma too) (and) I went to the house again(.) (T)he greedy bastards saw the pie and decided to let me in(,) so I stepped through the door and WHAM, a paint can hit me on the head!

I stood up and I (and take this out) looked around, they were gone, (and that comma has to go) (and) the oven door was open with the gas full on…I thought ("W)hat the hell?(") I was about to walk over (when) and (hm, take this out) a match flew in the window(.) BOOM!!! I went flying and landed on the ground, singed and cryi-…I mean taking it like a man, but no worse for wear. And these ('those', not 'these') pigs jump on me, they tied me up and cackled(.) (T)hey were going to eat me!
Well(,) they started to tuck in to my tender flesh, arguing over which bit they each got!

I was so enraged I lost it!

I snapped the bonds and they screamed(.)

Um...yeah. So, hope this helps...and doesn't discourage you or anything, because they really are good stories, and definitely funny!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crazy_dude6662

Ending TWO –
Well I completely blacked out(.) I can(')t (couldn't) remember anything until I was licking the blood of(f) my hands, so here I am, being blamed for a crime I didn’t commit, about to be shot by the huntsman (all one word, not two), even though they started it! Well I guess this is the en-

Hmm, Ending One was fine...lol. Ending two... was ok.

Well, I really liked your story...

Crazy_dude6662 · 04-18-2006, 02:19 PM

thanks, lol, i really suck at grammar and some spelling im glad oyu went after them lol

mecasa_tsukasai · 04-18-2006, 04:26 PM

Funny!