selene86

This is the beginning of a story that I'm working on at the moment. I know there are probably spelling errors, sorry about that.

“No!” I screamed as another vase crashed near my head.
“You thief!” Jack slurred. His fist nearly connected with my face as I quickly pushed pasted him.
“I didn’t take anything!” I said as Jack grabbed me by the shoulder.
I saw his fist coming at me as he spun me around, but it was too late. He hit me straight in the face, sending me off balance. Crying out in pain I grabbed my face and felt the warm blood run out my nose.
Jack stumbled forward, stepping on the broken pieces of the ceramic vase that lay near my feet, and punched me diagonally in the ribs. I crumpled to the floor gasping for air and as I looked up I saw his foot coming towards me. I tried to move out of the way, but I was too late. Jack kicked me again, thankfully a little lower, but he kept kicking me and kicking me until he finally stopped and looked at me. He slowly crouched down and with his huge hand grabbed under my chin. He raised my head to meet his eyes, which seemed to be on fire as they glared down at me with his face twisted in disgust.
“If I ever find you stealing from me…” he trailed off slurring.
“What are you gonna to do? Huh? Beat me?” I said and spat in his face.
Jack wiped my bloody spit from his face and suddenly back-handed me. He picked me up off the floor, slammed me against the hallway wall and began to punch widely. I tried to shield myself from facial blows with my arms. Each blow was harder than the last and my arms were getting tired and began to drop. The pain was unbearable as I cried out, “No…stop it!”
I tried to fight back the tears as Jack came to a stop. He paused for a moment and we just stared at each other. His eyes slowly returned to the normal hazelnut brown as I watched him scan over my battered face. He reached up with his hand and brushed back some of my mattered hair on my forehead. I flinched enough to make him pause for a slight moment before he continued. I heard him sigh as he reached my weary eyes.
“Huh, just like your mother,” Jack said with a small smile as he pulled away. “Now clean yourself up. You look like a crap,” he said sternly.

I watched him walk down the end of the corridor and into the lounge room. I slowly slid down the wall, falling into a pile on the floor and sat there. I listened to Jack fumble around in the lounge room for a moment before I gently picked up my battered body.
Using the edge of the wall to keep balance, I headed through the bathroom door to the basin. Looking up into the mirror, I saw my reflection.
“Huh, nothing I haven’t seen before,” I thought. I had a black eye, cut lip, busted eyebrow and a bloody nose. I slowly reached up and touched my face, my hand trembled as I gently brushed it over with my fingertips. I felt the warm blood ooze out of the fresh cut on my lip as I touched it. Pulling my hand away, I stared at the big drop of blood on my finger, before I took a tissue from the window ledge and placed it on my lip. I sighed gently and looked down at the rest of my body. I gently lifted up my shirt to find my whole lower body covered in bruises. Big black and blue bruises cover my lower ribs and my stomach. I gently lowered my shirt and grabbed a hold of my jeans and pulled them down. Not to my surprise, my legs were covered in bruises too. I had a gash on my knee from the last beating Jack gave me. I fell over the small coffee table in the lounge room trying to escape one of Jack’s rants. My shins had carpet burns from where he had dragged me across the room. They were starting to heal…slowly. I guess my body has weakened a fair bit.
“Jade, where are you?” I heard Jack ask as I pulled up my jeans.
“Coming,” I replied, throwing my tissue in the sink before dragging myself away from the mirror.
“Get me a beer!”
I slowly walked over to the kitchen, holding onto myself, grabbed him a beer and headed towards the lounge room, avoiding the broken vase that lay in pieces on the floor. I placed the opened can down near him and quickly exited the room. I knew he didn’t like people watching him when he drinks – I learnt that the hard way.
I stopped just behind the doorway, so if he turns around I can turn away and he won’t know I’m there, just thinking for a moment as I watched him.

To be honest Jack is quite a well-built guy. Sort of reminds you of an army officer with the big broad shoulders, a six-pack that girls crave for and well-rounded arms and legs. Not too muscular but enough to show off and impress the ladies. Sometimes when he is relaxed he looks like a pile of skin, but when he is angry his whole body tense and all the muscles rise to the surface and that’s when you know you’re in trouble. He has jet-black hair that shines under any light. No matter how dirty it is, it always looks good. Even though he doesn’t look after it much he probably combs it ever now and then. Jack has a huge problem with money, always going on about how much it costs to to keep me. He reckons that if I wasn’t around he would be a rich man. Free from any responsibility and then the women would love him. Who would love a drunk? That’s why my mum left; she had enough of his drinking and not having any work. She was lucky, she got out before all the beatings happened. Problem was she forgot to take me with her. She didn’t even say goodbye to me, just one night she left. Gone…and I haven’t seen her since. Not that I want to.
But, you can’t change the past, so now I live in a crummy little house with a drunken bastard.
Oh the joy.
(1076 words)

Marcellen

Some conflicts in your work:
bruises don't develop that quickly. U can see the redness, but the bruises take longer to become visible: maybe you could form your sentence around the bruises forming, the red imprint of his hands, stinging lacerations, welts, etc.

U float from past tense to present as the story progresses. Watch this. It's easy to do.

The last line is a little out of place. U need something that the reader is going to remember, something to give me to take home to think about.

__________________

selene86

Hello Marcellen,

Just a few things that I wanted to point out.

I know that bruises take some time to form but perhaps the bruises were already there. With the constant beatings that Jade is facing, they could be bruises which are starting to or have already formed.

Also,the 'end' of the story here, is not THE END of the complete story. It is not finished. There is more to come, I merely put up a bit of the story to find out what people think and get an understanding of their thoughts.

Jade is also telling you about her life as it happenes as she remembers the beatings that she has had. She slowly shows you what has been happening to her and throughout the story you find out more about her and her life. I'm trying to show people how she might feel. It is more of a curiousity story than an action one. To see how she will/will not deal with her problem.

I hope that it is clearer for you.
Thanks for your reply and your honesty.

Selene