Fragments of a shattered mind - Writers Forum

Tau_Worlock · 03-07-2006, 07:45 AM

The original version can be found here.
I know it is a bit confusing but I hope you can read it. I’m not sure if this qualifies as a short story. One more thing. Different colours indicate different thinks. Mostly different people.

Fragments of a shattered mind

Beep… beep… beep…

“Came on its nearly time”
“Coming”
“Check list: do we have everything?”
“Think so mum”
“Food?”
“Jain and Nat have it”
“What about the other stuff?”
“Got it, stop fussing”

Beep… beep… beep…

“I’m home sorry I’m late mum got held up at school.”
“Held up by darling Mitsuko?”
“Shut up Nat”
“Mitsuko is your girlfriend, Mitsuko is your girlfriend, Mitsuko is your girlfriend”
“SHUT UP NATALI, leave me alone”

Beep… beep… beep…

“Mark switch of the light”
White light shining above.
“Ok class; watch carefully there is a question sheet that goes with the video.”
Lights flickering. A voice blearing from the speakers about the program.
Movement on side, a shadow falls across the screen and passed.

Beep… beep… beep…

“Have you seen her?”
“Who do you mean Mark?”
“The new girl, Mitsuko”
“No. Mitsuko that’s a strange name where is she from?”
“Don’t know but Michael said she’s pretty”
“Well if Michel says it then it got to be true”
Crying
Laughter

Beep… beep… beep…

“Hey want to come to the party?”
“Sure, who else is coming?”
“Oh everybody I can get to come”
“So when are you holding it?”
“Saturday, I got hold of some beer; it is going to be great”
“Listen I have to go, see you later Michel.”

Beep… beep… beep…

Rain was drizzling against the window. Wind howling as it drives the cold before it.
“Plastid rain the field will be all muddy. They won’t let as play now”
“Stop complaining, it could be worse”
“Yeah right, I don’t think so”
“Look there is Mitsuko go and complain to her and leave me alone I have a headache”
“Shut it Michel and if you had not drunk so much yesterday then your head would not be so bad”
“Well how am I going to survive the rest of the week with out a little drink, it’s only Wednesday and any way it was your bad playing that lost us the championship”
“A little, you mean have a dozen”
“Shut it would you, you’re bubbling is sticking needles into my brain”

Beep… beep… beep…

Flashing lights.
Darkness
Music, singing, laughter.
Quiet
“Enjoying your self?”
“Not really, I don’t know any one”
“Your Mitsuko right? I could introduce you to those how can still walk in a straight line.”
Michel staggered past with an empty bottle in his hand.
“Not many then.”
“You’re probably right about that. So how are you seteling in?”
“Fine, I got lost a few time at first, but now I am beginning to fit in. When I came I was scared that nobody would be nice and that all would be very different. But it’s not as different here as it was back home.”
“Well that’s good you know I have never moved it must have been scary.”
“A bit, why are you here? You don’t seam to fit in.”
“What do you mean by not fitting in?”
“For one you’re not drunk and for another you’re nice”
“Well dad would ground me if I came home drunk and I can’t risk it I have a regional championship game next week end.”

Beep… beep… beep…

“Hey I saw you at the game you were good”
“Hi Mitsuko, the game was terrible, I missed twice, we lost”
“Cheer up; you’ll have better luck next time.”
“There is a new film out do you want to go and see it?”
“Em…why not”
“Ok I’ll call you when I know the time. I have to go now, don’t want to be late. Bye see you soon”
“See you later”

Beep… beep… beep…

Darkness
Light
Star light shimmers in the window of the house. The shed stood in the shadow of the tree in the neighbour’s garden. Moving from the hole in the fence towards the shed. A crowbar opened the door. Inside it was almost pitch black. Moving in the dark shelves where emptied looking for the box. It wasn’t to be found. A light turned on in the house. Everything went still. In the week light that spilled into shed, it caught on something red. The box.

Beep… beep… beep…

“Hey I hear you where on a date with Mitsuko”
“What are you talking about?”
“You did didn’t you?”
“No, don’t be silly”
“You have gone red. You fancy her. You got a girlfriend.”

Beep… beep… beep…

“Mitsuko is your girlfriend, Mitsuko is your girlfriend, Mitsuko is your girlfriend”

Beep… beep… beep…

“You’re nice”

Beep… beep… beep…

“Held up by darling Mitsuko?”

Beep… beep… beep…

“I like you; you’re not like the others.”
Crying
“Do you want to come to my house on Sunday?”
“Can I? I’d love to come.”
“Ok see you Sunday.”

Beep… beep… beep…

“Your latest test mark was terrible. If you don’t get better I’m afraid that you will fail the exams.”
“I’m trying but I have too much to do.”
“Then stop playing for the team and do your homework”

Beep… beep… beep…

Running, shouting.
Still
Running figures ahead. One passing the ball. Michel cut in taking the ball from the opposing player. He the kicked it. It went flying in a high arc. Running, got it. An opponent closes in and tries to take it. Pass to Bill he gets it and passes it back. Goal ahead. Sky rushing past, impact with the floor. Grass rolls in on the left.

Beep… beep… beep…

Sun light shining in the sky.
Darkness
“Hi Mitsuko how are you?”
“Ok. So good that you could come.”
Smiling, sunlight glinting the eyes.
“Come in. That is my cat Ren…”

Beep… beep… beep…

“You failed your mock exam at the moment I will be forced to but down a failed on your report and if you do so badly again then I’m afraid that you won’t be able to continue in this school.”
“I’m trying Sir.”
“Trying? I don’t believe you. Last year you where the best and this year your at the bottom and the stuff is not hard.”

Beep… beep… beep…

Street lights casting long shadows into the park.
Darkness
“Did you like the film”
“Yes, it was great”
“What do you want to do now?”
“I don’t know, you can see the stars from here.”
“Yes the whole Milky Way, and there is that comet that was on the news”
Starlight shining of her hair.
“It looks so small.”
Light glinting in her eyes.
Smiling, white teeth shimmering in the dark.
Heart beat, echoing inside.
So close.
“No”
Running away into the shadow.

Beep… beep… beep…

“I’m bored with this stupid practise, we would not have it if you had not lost our game; hey I know I have something to show you I found it in the shed”
“Can you stop going on about the game.”
“No, we lost the champion ship because of you.”
“How often do I have to say it? It’s not my fault, anybody could have slipped. It was just an accident. So what did you find in the shed?”
“Wait and see.”
Mark was walking ahead. Sunlight was filtering through the leaves of the tree above. Mark went in. he bulled down a red box from the top shelf. Opened it and turned around.
“Look it’s a real gun, I think its dads Isn’t it cool?”

Beep… beep… beep…

Screams. Running. Chaos.
Bang.
Scream, cry’s of pain, blood.

Beep…

Bang.
Wail of panic, blood stains on the wall.

Beep…

“Pleas don’t, pleas stop. Stop. Oh pleas don’t kill me, pleas.”
Bang.
“I love you.”
Bang.

Beeeeee……….

cellardoor · 03-07-2006, 12:30 PM

well
flashing memories of someone dying?
you chose good memories, but it's so vague. it's unbelievably vague. vagueness is good someimes, because it makes the reader put their own story in, but in this case there's barely anything to work with. a great attempt though, and i look forward to reading more of your work

BeL · 03-07-2006, 01:01 PM

Interesting, but I have to agree with cellardoor, too vague.

Since you did say who found the gun, tell us, why did he do it? Because of the game? Something's missing there I think.

Miltiadis Grammenos

strangedaze · 03-07-2006, 04:24 PM

Definitely confusing, as previously mentioned. I like my guts raw and this has it, but you need to fuck around with proper spelling, grammar, etc. Fer instance: cry's = cries, pleas = please, and your sketchy use of commas perturbs me. You probably didn't need to tell us right from the get-go that the different colors mean different people, but in my opinion, any work that needs that forward should be reworked so that it's no longer necessary. I think the piece should stand on its own. You've got a lot to build on, though, should you choose to expand it and ground it more.

'daze

Tau_Worlock · 03-08-2006, 08:06 AM

Quote:

Since you did say who found the gun, tell us, why did he do it? Because of the game? Something's missing there I think.

Lots of reasons. His life was going down. The game was only a small part of it, His school work has been going down and Mitsuko rejecting him all led to the incident. Also we don’t know if he pulled the trigger.

As for the spelling I’m sorry about that. I try and I run everything through spell checkers when I can, but they don’t pick up everything.

As for the reason for mentioning what the colours meant. I did it because I shoed this to some other people and they did not get the fact that different colour was different people.

I will try to improve it when I done with the improvement work on my longer story.