The Achilles - Writers Forum

bheid1.01 · 03-02-2006, 07:04 AM

I did this as my creative writing assignment for english, enjoy

Achilles

The Achilles roared with laughter, but no one heard. It had cut of most communications with the crew, allowing access only to his temple. Other than that, contact with him was impossible.
It’s metal stomach grinded with industry, churning and smelting dead enemy vessels into menial domestic items. Mincing and burning all organic life in the process. He liked destroying worlds.
The Achilles was a huge battleship; its front was completely dominated by razors, leading to the recycling labs. on its tail was the jump drive, which stopped time to allow faster movement. Spikes littered the rest of the ship, hoping to intimidate enemies.
Daniel was in his cramped solo fighter, trying his best to destroy, and at the same time avoid the huge tractor beam crosshairs that just waited for a cluster of friendly and enemy ships alike. It wasn’t good to be caught in that beam, just last Wednesday; Daniel had gotten a spoon partially made from his old friend, Mike.
“Gotcha!” shouted Daniel, as the missile lock on icon flashed above his head. He grabbed the joystick and pressed his thumb on the button on the top. In response, a missile detached itself from the bottom of his ship, and headed toward the alien craft in front of him. Apparently, it was making itself known to them; the enemy vessel floundered as they tried pathetic evasive maneuvers to save themselves from the inevitable destruction.
But then the missile went off course, it broke its lock and swayed slightly towards the Achilles. Daniels heart quickened as he realized what was happening. A blue glow radiated from the beams cannon, and the huge gears and razors that took up most of the ships front started moving.
Daniels loose uniform rose towards the air, as if being attracted by magnets. Panic rising, he took the throttle and pushed it forward, far too hard. The ship lurched forward and Daniels clothes settled again on his skin, temporary though it was, he now had a hope for survival. A blinding blue pulse appeared behind him, Daniels head smashed against the back of his seat, the old cushions saved him from certain injury. The blue ray was behind him now. His sleeves rolled down to his forearms, desperately trying to reach the pulse. Coins fell from his pockets and his clothes ripped. All was heading toward the sirens song. Daniels mind and brain were the wax in his ears, and he struggled to keep the throttle pushed forward in spite of the terrible agony. His face was bright red and his hair was soaking with sweat as the throttle pushed backwards, harder and harder.
Without warning, the beam stopped, it had dragged the enemy vessels to their doom, and for now, the beast was satisfied.
Daniel couldn’t appreciate the moment, as his whole being was flung forward, his head cracked against the dull metal plating on the top of the ship. The grey iron now had a montage of red mixed into it. And Daniel lay, unconscious.

“You ok?” Daniel rose far too quickly and he groaned in pain, reaching for his head. The room was spinning, but it appeared to be the medical lab. After several generations of humans had lived and died on the ship, there was little in the way of medical supplies. The Achilles didn’t seem bothered, no matter how often his priests prayed to him. Humans were humans, sick or well.
“You have concussion, try not to move” said the medic
“Old Achilles seems to be losing his touch” Daniel laughed, immediately regretting it as his head throbbed.
“He wasn’t aiming for you.” The medic said, picking up an injection of nanites “otherwise you’d be dead.”
“Getting senile, is all.” Daniel flinched as the needle entered the flesh in his neck and delivered the payload.
“That should sort it, come back if you have anymore symptoms.”
“Sure, sure.” Daniel walked out the door, still holding his head, he hoped he could catch some food before Achilles shut down the lunch menu.
The halls were black, black and claustrophobic. It was enough to make a man insane. But Daniel was used to it, and since Achilles so ‘graciously’ lit up the halls so brightly, the jet black walls seemed almost grey with the light. Daniel wondered where he got the power from.
The cafeteria was spacious though, obviously the original design was for the mental welfare of the crew. A low murmur of conversation echoed through the area. Many crewmembers were having lunch, each with different meals, depending on their service to the ship.
Daniel saw Dave, right across the hall, to the opposite end. Lunch was to be had after all. He approached the replicator, a machine attached to the wall with candles around it. Disgust welled in Daniels heart, but he was hungry enough to ask for nourishment from the machine.
A thick metal bowl slid out from behind the wall, and what appeared to be a cheese sandwich materialized inside of it. Slowly at first, until it had taken perfect form. He lifted the sandwich up, inspecting its form and looking for nasty surprises.
Daniel walked over to where Dave was sitting; he pulled the steel chair away from the table despite the high pitched protest.
“Take any ships out?” asked Daniel
“Three, another one of my targets got turned into these chairs though, otherwise it’d be four.”
Daniel laughed and apprehensively bit into his sandwich; it tasted fine, so he wolfed it down, messily.
The old speakers announced themselves with a shrieking beep, silencing the conversation of the cafeteria and reaching all areas of the ship. “Crewmembers, the last captain has died. Horribly. A new captain needs to be decided.” It was the Achilles himself, choosing the next victim to be killed; it was now 30 captains in 40 weeks. Taking the job was certain death.
“Daniel Stevens report to the captains office.” Daniel had known it was him; he had called him senile after all. He’d always wondered what it was like in there.
Daniel got up; the cafeteria was as silent as his eventual grave. Everybody stared at him as he exited the room, staring at a dead man.

The captain’s quarters were magnificent, all drapes and silk, maybe his death wouldn’t be so bad after all. There was an old American flag plastered to the wall, still proud, stuck to a mockery of justice that was the Achilles. In the corner were wooden dressers and wooden tables… wood! Daniel had never seen wood in his life; he wondered how it had stayed in such fine condition after so many centuries.
A earsplitting beep went through the room, piercing Daniels ears and filling him with fear. “There’s a captain’s uniform in the closet. Put it on.” Daniel didn’t argue. he opened the closet and found a marvelous jacket; it was golden, and sparkled in the light. With great sentiment, he slipped the uniform on, left sleeve first. The silver logo sparkled in the florescent lights.
Daniel lifted his arms, up inspecting the sleeves, checking for spoils. Daniel sighed as he noticed a smear on the left sleeve of the magnificent jacket. He rubbed the smear, lightly, as to not rip or disturb the sacred dress. But it was in vain, instead the smudge rewarded his efforts with growth, dark grey consumed the gold, spreading devastation across the entire arm piece and making the fabric disintegrate and settle on his arm.
Immensely worried and confused, Daniel tried to wipe the dust from his arm. It didn’t work. Instead the grey stuck to his hand, it was like ink. Now the chest was disintegrating, the grey staying onto his skin like a tattoo, a tattoo that he never wanted and would soon take the place of the jacket on his entire torso. Daniel looked at himself and sighed.
Raising his eyes, he inspected the room, cold dread coming over him. He’d destroyed the Achilles favorite vest.
Slowly, the closet started melting. The door knob drooped to the floor like metal would under a white hot flame, but the door knob was wood. Gas! It was obvious! He looked around and laughed hysterically as he realized his life was coming to an end. The whole room was melting; all the fine fabric and wood dissolved to the floor, creating a large puddle of god know what. All the colours of the rainbow were on the floor, swirling and fluctuating, Daniel noticed that they all had a general direction. Him. Only cold dull iron decorated the room. Daniel screamed.
The puddle had reached his foot and was attempting to ascend to his shoes. Daniel screamed again, and launched himself against the wall. He covered his mouth and nose, attempting to filter out the assumed deadly gas. But it was inevitable; the strangely colourful puddle approached him, slowly but surely. It covered his shoes, making raising his feet hard. It was like elastic, it pinged his foot down again to the puddle, allowing it to continue its assent. Daniel paused for breath, and then the song of screams started once more.
It reached his legs; his feet were now unable to move, like lead. Daniel continued to scream, trying desperately to get the puddle off of him. But his hands stuck, and the puddle now started to climb his arm until it completely consumed his entire neck, but then it stopped. Daniel looked around, still screaming with terror, the rainbow puddle completely held his body and he couldn’t move, but it didn’t matter, he felt extremely tired, like the life was being sucked from him. then, finally, the screaming stopped.

Dave was eating an apple, not having anything to do; he sat in the cafeteria, reading. It was an ancient book that had been in his family for generations, he’d already read it thirty times, but boredom was rife.
The bright lights dimmed. They dimmed until the crew was in total darkness, but then they started up again, in a new life. They hadn’t done that since the last captain, Craig had disappeared.

BeL · 03-03-2006, 08:11 AM

Greetings.

I really don't know how to comment on this story. There are a few grammar mistakes, but the main thing is, it just doesn't work. The story's not interesting, the first paragraph doesnt make you want to go on reading.

I know it sounds harsh, and it won't help you improve the piece, but getting any answer is better than none I think.

Miltiadis Grammenos

Jimbob · 03-03-2006, 09:57 AM

This piece seems a little derivitave of "2001, a Space Odessey." But I can't really see what all this is about - The cybergod that destroys blasphemers, or what?

I was expecting the name Achilles to symbolize something - some vulnerability that would eventually show up...but nope.

Mostly, it seems like a lot of sound and fury signifying ...what?

Jimbob

bheid1.01 · 03-13-2006, 03:57 AM

oh well, win some you lose some

thanks for the comments though!