Lebensraum - Writers Forum

GhostLad · 02-20-2006, 09:07 PM

A peice of historical microfiction. It's a bit more polished than normal. Really, I'm just posting it for comments and critique.

Lebensraum

The snow crowded fields were scarred black by the folly of humanity. The flashes of distant ordnance lined the nighttime horizon as their reports echoed through the dark landscape. Long gone were the frenzied movements of gray-uniformed soldiers, the lumbering roll of tank treads, and the din of gunfire. Instead, discarded like so much waste, laid the crumpled forms of what once were loyal soldiers. Mouths that once sang praise for their country, silenced. Feet that once marched upon enemy soil, frozen. Guns that fired upon the menace of the east, now lying in the snow, insides rusting.

Footfalls unsuccessfully entered the ears of the dead men, as those who were once their enemies moved forward. The brown-clad conscripts unceremoniously stepped on the bodies of their fallen enemies, as they advanced towards the Fatherland. One man fell behind the crowd and stood alone. His eyes locked on those of a dead man. Cold, lifeless blue matched tired brown, as the conscript realized that he and his enemy were more alike than what he had been told.

If only for a moment.

The Commissar bellowed an order and the conscript bolted to return to his squad, lest he be shot for treason. He immediately forgot the epiphany, for the good of his country.

eggo · 02-20-2006, 11:41 PM

Hey Ghost,

Liked the prose in this flash peice. It wove nicely into the beginning without overpowering the unlieing message. It would be easy to over write this and you did not. Lebensraum (after a translator search) is the word for habitat. I assume you are relating this to the reality they live in.
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a couple of crits,

Quote:

Guns that fired upon the menace of the east, now lying in the snow, insides rusted and soiled by Mother Nature.

insides rusting

Quote:

Footfalls fruitlessly entered the ears of the dead men, as those who were once their enemies moved forward.

I know what you are saying here, but Footfalls fruitlessly seems to grate on my eye's for some reason.

Otherwise a nice little piece.

gohn67 · 02-20-2006, 11:58 PM

Hey Ghostlad,
historical microfiction eh, I find that term interesting, kind of amusing, it has a nice ring to it, just sounds cool.

Quote:

The snow crowded fields were scarred black with the folly of humanity.

"folly of humanity" is very abstract. Hard to tell what you mean exactly. what did humanity do exactly?

Quote:

The flashes of distant ordinance lined the nighttime horizon as their reports echoed through the dark landscape.

Maybe I'm not able to comprehend what I'm read tonight, but I'm not sure what "flashes of distant ordinance" is.

Quote:

Long gone were the frenzied movements of gray-uniformed soldiers, the lumbering roll of tank treads, and the din of gunfire.

Nice image.

Quote:

Instead, discarded like so much waste, laid the crumpled forms of what once were loyal soldiers

Nice image. I can picture this pretty well.

loyal is an interesting adjective, nice contrast with discarded waste. I guess that's what you get for being loyal.

Quote:

Mouths that once sang praise for their country, silenced.

Simple, not too flashy, sentence, but effective, gets the meaning across.

Quote:

Feet that once marched upon enemy soil, petrified

Not sure how their feet can be afraid if they are dead.

Quote:

Guns that fired upon the menace of the east, now lying in the snow, insides rusted and soiled by Mother Nature.

Menace of the east? Germany? Is there a particular reason why you don't refer to them as Nazis as that's what I think they are because of your title? Meaning, why the vagueness of menace of the east?

I can picture the guns in the snow, everything except, soiled. Maybe I'm a bit juvenile but when I think of soiled, I picture Mother Nature taking a dump on the guns.

Quote:

The brown-clad conscripts unceremoniously stepped on the bodies of their fallen enemies, as they advanced towards the Fatherland.

unceremoniously? Why did you choose to use that adverb here? Curious. Adverb usage interests me and was interested in your intent with this one.

Quote:

If only for a moment.

Nice placement of the sentence. Makes it stand out.

Quote:

The Commissar bellowed an order and the conscript bolted to return to his squad, lest he be shot for treason. He immediately forgot the epiphany, for the good of his country.

Liked the ending.

Some of the abstract stuff bothered me because I couldn't really picture it. The points where you were more presice and clear I found myself connecting better to the piece and visualizing it.

GhostLad · 02-21-2006, 12:59 AM

Thanks for the resposes, guys.

To Gohn67:

Quote:

"folly of humanity" is very abstract. Hard to tell what you mean exactly. what did humanity do exactly?

By the phrase, I meant War in general. Very abstract, I agree, but I tried rather hard to not beat the reader over the head with the subject matter. I suppose I went a bit overboard.

Probably using "by" instead of "with" would help it be a bit clearer.

Quote:

Maybe I'm not able to comprehend what I'm read tonight, but I'm not sure what "flashes of distant ordinance" is.

Shoot. I added an extra "i". I meant to use Ordnance, meaning artillery.

Quote:

Menace of the east? Germany? Is there a particular reason why you don't refer to them as Nazis as that's what I think they are because of your title? Meaning, why the vagueness of menace of the east?

I was refering to Russia, actually. But, to fit the overall tone, I made it vauge.

Quote:

I can picture the guns in the snow, everything except, soiled. Maybe I'm a bit juvenile but when I think of soiled, I picture Mother Nature taking a dump on the guns.

Understandable. I'm a bit juvenile myself.

I'll change it to something a bit more palatable.

Quote:

unceremoniously? Why did you choose to use that adverb here? Curious. Adverb usage interests me and was interested in your intent with this one.

By that I meant that they stepped on the corpses as if they were only more dirt on the ground. As if they weren't fallen soldiers.

To Eggo:

Actually, the title refers for Nazi Germany's reason for Operation Barbarosa (basically the Russian Front) during WWII; "Living space" is the direct translation.

Both the critques are duly noted, and I'll see if I made the second work out.

Thanks again, guys! You've helped a bunch.