Jimbob

"...Well, so much for my brother," she said. "and as for my sister, she's just poisoning my mother's mind against me, and all because I made a few mistakes in the past, you know, the kind of mistakes anybody could have made. And I've already told you about my husband. The man gives me no consideration at all. No consideration! Why I just..."

"Here's your hotel, Ma'am," I said, pulling my cab into the driveway. I figured it was about time to drop her off. She'd been in my cab for almost an hour rattling along non-stop while I drove around the same block over and over, but now she was starting to recycle. She had started with her husband as soon as she got into my cab and had run on about him for about fifteen minutes before I could even get an address out of her. Of course, I'd had the car in motion and the meter running, so I didn't really mind.

However, this much time spent listening to a middle-aged spoiled brat express the depths of her self-pity was beginning to grate on me. Besides, if I kept her much longer, she was going to raise a stink about the fare."It's been really good talking to you," she said, "but I guess you're pretty tired of hearing a silly woman run off at the mouth."

She was right about that, but I wasn't about to admit it, and I had to choose my words carefully now. "Not at all, Ma'am," I said, trying hard to keep the sarcasm out of my voice. "I really admire you. You've shown a tremendous amount of patience in dealing with some very difficult people. You've exhibited a lot of wisdom in the way you've handled some awkward situations in your life, and I think you deserve a lot of credit for your discretion and forbearance."

I can't seem to help it. I always use stilted, artificial-sounding language when I talk bullshit, but she didn't seem to notice. "Oh, thank you," she said "It makes me feel so good to hear you say that. Now, how much is the fare?"
"It's fifty-five dollars and seventy-five cents on the meter," I said casually.
"I've really enjoyed the ride," she said, as she reached into her purse and handed me four twenties. "Can I call for you when I'm ready to go to the airport?"

"I'd be honored" I said, with a sincere smile of relief that she hadn't asked me up to her room.
.................................................. ...........................................

I saw him as I headed out toward my favorite downtown cabstand. When he stepped out of the alley and flagged my cab, I thought he looked like someone I recognized. When he got in and sat down, I knew exactly who he was, although I can't tell you how. He didn't look anything like those pictures I'd seen of him, what with the grubby jeans and faded t-shirt. Besides that, the odor rising off him was definitely not frankincense and myrrh. My jaw dropped. "Jesus Christ!" I whispered "

"At your service" he said.

"I'm at yours. Where can I take you?"

"The Greyhound bus station will be fine," he said.

"But what are you doing here? and Sir.. I mean Lord...uh.. Master, what do I call you?" I babbled.

He smiled. "Just call me J.C." he said "And I was holding communion with some people just before you picked me up."

"Communion? You mean at the church in that block, a service with sacramental wine and unleavened bread?" I asked, considering his ragged attire and unwashed body.

"Heavens no," he chuckled. "Down the alley by the dumpster with Mad Dog and Cheetos. I don't think they even know me in that church."

"But what if you just walked in and told them - maybe performed a miracle or something."

"Nope, I don't do magic shows anymore. I don't feel comfortable in most churches anyway."

"Really? why not?"

"How would you feel in a place that had a an image of you up front being publicly humiliated and tortured to death? I know it's been a long time, but I'd rather not be reminded."

"Sorry, I said. I guess I never thought of it that way." Then I noticed his black eye and bruised left cheek.

He noticed me staring and said "That came from a disappointed mugger a couple days ago."

I was outraged. "What! somebody actually hit you?"

"Yeah, they can hurt me, but they can't kill me... at least not for long. And, as I've already pointed out, I've been done a lot worse."

"But...but haven't you suffered enough? How can you let stuff like that happen?"

"Can't have compassion without being open to suffering," he replied with a smile.

"I still don't get it" I said as we passed another huge church. "Why do you come to be with a bunch of bums, loonies, and five-dollar hookers when you could go to the people who pray to you and sing your praises every Sunday?"


"Wait, pull over for a minute," he said. A drunk had just tripped over the curb and fallen into the street.

When J.C. got out and helped the man to his feet I heard "Le' me 'lone, Mothafuckuh!"

He struggled a bit and cursed a little more as J.C. helped him to a bus bench and sat him down. As J.C. stood there just holding his hand, I saw a look of wonder come over the man's face. He stammered, as if trying to say somehing but didn't know how.

When J.C. returned to my cab, he was brushing away tears. How could he be so open to the pain of some stupid lush?

"To answer your question, about the churches," he said, "A lot of the folks in those churches don't know me and don't care to. They like me on the cross dying for their sins, and they can get all gushy about it, but they don't care about the people dying because of their sins." He shrugged. "But they have they reward."

"I'm here for the people who are hurting and need to know I care. I really can't take away pain but I can share it. Sometimes that's enough. And you could help, you know."

By this time, we were pulling up to the bus station. " What's the fare?" he asked.

"No charge," I said. "I forgot to turn the meter on anyway".

Then I started babbling again "But that doesn't matter. What's the true doctrine? What's the right take on the Bible? What about Heaven and Hell. How am I supposed to..."

He cut me off. " None of that stuff matters. You know everything you need to know and you've seen what you need to see." He paused to write something on a scrap of paper with a Bic pen.

"I accept your gift of the ride, but I have a tip for you," he said, handing me the folded-over slip as he got out. As he walked off. I read the words "Do unto others" on the outside. It didn't take much to guess what was on the inside.
__________________

__________________
The river is moving.
The blackbird must be flying.
Wallace Stevens

saintoflight

"I'd be honored" I said, with a sincere smile of relief that she hadn't asked me up to her room.

I saw him as I headed out toward my favorite downtown cabstand. When he stepped out of the alley and flagged my cab, I thought he looked like someone I recognized. When he got in and sat down, I knew exactly who he was, although I can't tell you how. He didn't look anything like those pictures I'd seen of him, what with the grubby jeans and faded t-shirt. Besides that, the odor rising off him was definitely not frankincense and myrrh. My jaw dropped. "Jesus Christ!" I whispered "

Ah, there is a big jump between these two para's and when I read it I felt confused.

I didn't absolutely love it but nor did I hate it. It was ok. Keep posting.

LoneWolf

I didn't think there was a big jump at all. You put the little dots and I could tell that this was later in the day...but uh, that's just me. I liked this a lot, actually. There may have been a bit too much given away at one time, but I liked it. There were grammar mistakes and some stuff with commas, capitals, etc in the dialogue with J.C part, but I liked the beginning part a lot. Nice job, thanks for the read.

__________________
My aim is to put down on paper what I see and what I feel in the best and simplest way. --Ernest Hemingway

Jimbob

Saint,

I was afraid the abrupt change might be a problem, but I thought I'd try it without showing a separation. Maybe it's not going to work. So I've put in a line of dots. Thanks for your input on this.

Lone,
I've done some editing on the punctuation and capitalization now, thanks to you, and I hope I got all the glitches. I really apppreciate your thoughts on this story. Thanks,

Jimbob

__________________
The river is moving.
The blackbird must be flying.
Wallace Stevens

mjk

now that's a jesus i could hang out with! i love this story jimbob! hilarious and yet packed with the most simple and beautiful message.

a few things:
it's the mysterious floating quotation mark!
needs a mark of punctuation inside the quotes.
hahahaha, i just love this!
cut the "a" before "an"
"their reward"
this to me is the most beautiful sentiment.

excellent story. thanks for the wonderful and inspiring read.

__________________
"Words have no power to impress the mind with the exquisite horror of their reality." -Edgar Allan Poe
***
Creative Scribblings - a collection of odds and ends

Jimbob

Well, I only thought I'd corrected all the glitches. Thanks, mjk. You're the best. I think I've got them all now. I'm glad you like it, and I appreciate the close and careful read.

Jimbob

__________________
The river is moving.
The blackbird must be flying.
Wallace Stevens

GhostLad

I loved this one. Very solid story, although I would agree with LoneWolf. It does seem like a little too much came out at once.

__________________
Whimsical Darkness

Chris Miller

I really enjoyed the first part. The characters were strong and real and it was funny right out of the gate. There was also enough left for the reader to figure out to keep it interesting.

I did not enjoy the second part. It didn't seem to belong to the other either. I found it kind of cliche and preachy as well. Admittedly it pushes my buttons, the writing itself is fine.

I'd make this inito two stories, and maybe extend the 1st part, let us know a little more about this woman.

The 2nd part has its place too. It's actually pretty standard and well done church fodder. Believe it or not.

__________________
the fairwriting blogs

Barcelona Review story: http://www.barcelonareview.com/64/e_cm.html

captain_shev

Hmm - maybe you could link the two parts a little more - like making her a bible-basher or something....It's true, there's a gap in tone, and in a short short, I think all the words should count, if you see what I mean.

I kinda liked this, I've always thought it was a little insensitive of Christians to wear a cross round their neck - kind of like English monarchists wearing little axes to commemorate their beloved Charles I's execution. Not a religious person, so the story didn't touch me perhaps in the way that you meant, but I think there's a lot of mileage in the hypocrisy of the modern church. A very interesting premise, and on the whole, nicely handled.

Jimbob

Ghostlad,
Thanks for your input. I may want to do a rewrite on this and let Jesus reveal himself more slowly.

Chris,
Your response suggests to me that I didn't bring off what I was trying to accomplish, i.e. contrasting the phony, greed-driven compassion of the narrator with the real compassion of Jesus. I was also trying to hint that the narrator just might have a change of heart.

I was also trying to establish some distance from sanctimonious churchy stuff without seeming too anti-religious. Maybe I could have Jesus cuss a little.

I appreciate your sharing your impressions. You've been very helpful


Captain Shev,
Thanks for your comments. I'm really trying to keep the matter of Bible belief
and Bible bashing out of this. I've tried to show this in Jesus' last remarks at the end of the story, but maybe I need to emphasize that point earlier in the story. I've deliberately omited any mention of God and downplayed the supernatural in the hope that unbelievers would see the Jesus of this story as simply a man of extrordinary compassion, leaving the matter of divinity moot. I'm also trying to bring this off without distancing Christians (at least not too far).

Jimbob

__________________
The river is moving.
The blackbird must be flying.
Wallace Stevens

gohn67

Hey Jimbob,

Note: haven't read other crits yet.

I like your subtle humor, got a few chuckles out of me.

Interesting message as always, can't think of a story where you didn't have one.

The first part didn't seem to fit with the rest of the story. Was it backstory or something?

The second part seemed to be where the story was. Maybe cut the first part?

nteresting interpretation of what it would be like to speak to JC himself.

Maybe you don't need the "outraged" Kind of can tell from dialogue.

what is the adverb for outrage? outrageously?
---
After reading other crits.

Kind of agree with Chris that the second half is a bit preachy, kind of like force fed through dialogue.

But I enjoyed the light humor employed in that section, which alleviated that feeling a bit for me.

I guess it's about approach because you definitely have an agenda when you write your stuff and your pieces are more about getting a message across, even if it's overt. Other people write stories and don't worry about a specific message because most of the time there will be one, obvious or poignant, thought provoking.

__________________
The Frowning Dog Blog

funkyjoez

I actually loved this piece. maybe the character of Jesus did come out rather quickly, but i feel that it adds to the overall effect and provides an interesting tone. If it were any slower, the reading would get boring quickly, but the way Jesus is introduced so quickly really gets you into the story. Sort of Joseph Heller-ish that drops you right into the situation as if it werent so strange. I like it.

thinstep

this line made me imagine Rodney Dangerfeild in a tophat with a coat and tails, and a monacle, and that made me laugh

Jimbob

ghon,
Thanks for checking in in this story. There is a connection between the two parts, but I guess I didn't show it very well because you're not the only one who didn't get it. See my response to Chris for more.

I always appreciate your input; I'm beginning to see what this story is going to need.


funkyjoez,
Yup, character development is always a problem.I try to operate on the principle that the liklihood of an online story being read is inversely proportional to its length, and try to keep them as short as possible.
Anyway, I'm glad you like it, and welcome to the forum.

Thinstep,
Hmmm. Rodney Dangerfield in a skirt. I hadn't thought about it, but maybe I've given Rodney a sister.

Jimbob

__________________
The river is moving.
The blackbird must be flying.
Wallace Stevens

Arin

I thought this was an very well-written piece. Your portrayal of Jesus or his conversation with the cabbie is not groundbreakingly original, but you painted their interaction colorfully. The ending is also quite simple---nothing new there---but ultimately still as profound and effective as anything. The story reminds me of a bit of warmth on a cold night. Nice work.