Fallstel

I wrote this story a while ago, and i just discovered your forums. I decided to put up some of my old work.





The Secret



The day way perfectly normal, until my lunch break. I was just walking back down Oxford Street, doughnut bag in hand, humming a tune to myself, heading back to my office block. I didn’t really notice where I was going. I made this trip the exact same way every day for the past three years, except for one time when the police were there and I went the other way round the building. It was an automatic trip, as though I was sleepwalking and yet still knew exactly where I was because I recognised the shops and knew how far away from work I was each time I looked up. It was a routine.
So I really didn’t expect it when I tripped up, head over heels, and landed hard on the roadside, a Mercedes A-class narrowly missing me. I turned my head to see why I had tripped, and noticed a man lying in the middle of the pavement., Lying to one side, slightly hunched up. He seemed to be wearing a similar suit to nearly everybody else on the street, a black suit, although his was considerably muckier from lying down in the middle of a pavement.
“What’s wrong?” I asked him, as I knelt down. “Why are you just lying down here in the middle of the road?”
The man twisted round so he was not facing me.
“Leave me alone.” he muttered, and said no more.
“Look here!” I said hotly, bouncing up. “I was just trying to be nice! You could have broken my neck! Don’t you care?”
“Leave me alone.”
By this time, a woman with shoulder length red hair and a tight skirt had come running over.
“What’s wrong with him? Did he fall?”
“No, he didn’t fall. I don’t know what’s wrong with him.” I said. “Maybe we should just leave him.”
“No, we couldn’t do that. There’s obviously something wrong with him.” She turned to the silent man curled up on the floor.
“What’s wrong? Why are you lying on the floor?”
The man tightly shut his eyes.
“Leave me alone!” he said, rather louder than before, so that two more suited figures approached.
“What’s up with that guy? Hey, why are you all curled up like that?” said the first, a brash American with blond hair and a rather grotesque figure. He nudged the man with his foot.
The mans eyes flew open, and he roared
“Leave me alone!”
“There’s something really wrong with this guy. I wonder what- Oh, Officer! Officer!”
For a policeman had just pulled up on his motorbike, and at the woman’s cry, he strutted over, and said
“What’s the matter? What’s wrong?”
I pointed down at the now tightly balled figure slowly rocking on the ground.
“It’s him, Officer.”
Suddenly, totally unexpectedly, the man spoke, in a harsh, clear voice
“Why can’t all of you just leave me alone? Why must you all crowd me like this?”
Then the police officer smiled.
“I know what’s wrong. You’ve been drinking haven’t you?”
“I haven’t been drinking.” He replied.
“Then-“ the police officer started, then stopped. There was a long silence. It seemed as though he was trying to think of something, a reason why this man was behaving so peculiarly.
“Are you trying to commit suicide?” I said suddenly. It was just something which popped into my head. “Because if it is, then you should go and lie down into the road.”
“No!” shouted the woman to the side. “He might be unstable! He actually might!”
“I’m not trying to commit suicide, but after what I’ve heard, I might as well do. And I might well be unstable, but that is very recent. Just since this morning.”
I wondered what it was that could have this man contemplating his own demise, his own sanity even. And all of a sudden, I was gripped with a powerful desire to find out exactly what it was.
“Tell me what it is, why you are lying here, why you don’t even know if you are sane anymore!” I shouted at him, totally out of kilter with my usual self.
The man turned his head slowly, to look at me.
“Do you really want to know?” he asked us, quiet as a whisper, but so powerful as all of the gathered crowd could hear.
“Yes.” I said simply. “Yes. Tell me!”
The man slowly looked over the crowds and then said
“Do you all want to know?” putting particular stress on the all.
“Yes, they do!” I muttered at him through gritted teeth. “Tell us!”
“Yes, tell us now!” said the woman next to me.
The policeman muttered his agreement and so did everyone else, out of the now about fifty stood around the old man lying on the dirty pavement.
“Are you absolutely sure?” he asked benignly.
Suddenly the police man stood up from his squatting position, and pulled his gun out of its holster, pointing it at the man.
“Tell me, quickly!” he shouted. “Or I’ll shoot!”
“Please, do so,” said the little man. “Please, kill me now, so I do not, cannot tell you all this terrible secret. Please, do this, so I do not have to kill myself. But ask yourself this!” he said, as the policeman cocked the gun, ”If you shoot me now, you will never know! So make the decision now.”
The policeman slowly lowered the gun, then whipped round and pulled the trigger. The bullet sprang forward, launching itself through the fat Americans head, blood splattering all those nearby, including me. But I didn’t think this an unnecessary measure. I thought it perfectly fair, and it was the man, not the policeman who had killed that American.
“So, you’re absolutely sure you want to know?” he said slowly “Totally sure?”
The policeman reloaded in answer, and pointed the gun at my head.
“Fine.” He said. And he told us. As the words poured out of his mouth, they seemed to take away all the good in my life, made life itself seem pointless in compare to this. The words melted away my world of suits and figures and my world of wife and two small children, and the holiday we were going on in the summer. The words spewing out of his mouth ripped away the layers of my mind, peeling away my memories like a peeling onion, until all that was left was this monstrosity, and these last few moments. I looked around, and I saw fifty ashen faces, and I realised I had nothing left to live for. I lay down next to the old man and stared blankly into space.


C&C would be excellent. or, hey, even 'Mmm, this is good' would be nice.

Angelmusic234

Not bad for your first story. I like the ending a lot. One problem I had with it, though, was the randomness of the characters' actions. Why did the cop shoot the american? Normally a policeman wouldn't just shoot some random guy in that situation, so...?

too many commas, I think. The sentence drags on. I suggest doing something like "humming a tune to myself as I headed back to my office block." instead of the comma.

not a big deal but I just wanted to point out the period after pavement... not intentional, I assume?

There aren't many other technical problems, so nice job on that. The story is pretty interesting, however random it is

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BeL

Hello,

Major deja vu... I'd bet my pinky that I've seen that before. Have you posted this anywhere else?


I agree with what Angelmusic234 said, the officer's actions seem random. Good read otherwise.

Miltiadis.

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Arin

This is a pretty swanky thing you've got. I also agree that the policeman's rather sporadic firing of his gun is very bizarre, but the ending has a very otherworldly feel to it...so the random shooting of the American is more in place. Really interesting. Good job.

MapleTea

I know what the secret is!!! pretty cool. You caught me by surprise; didn't think I was going to like it...

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cellardoor

polish the beginning and middle
the ending is spectacular
i have an idea of why the policeman pulled his gun, but i think you need to make it clearer

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BeYoNd WoRdS

Fallstel,

Hi! I like the read but I have to admit I didn't get it. Yeah, I may just be a bit slow. My daughter usually has to point out the finer points in movies for me. But I missed the secret. What is it?

-BeYoNd WoRdS

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theRooster

We, as the readers, are not meant to know the secret. It would be too great and terrible for us all
I have to stick to the general consensus in that the ending was quite well done, very dark and chilling.
I just think that it could use some more substance through the middle.
great work though, i like it alot.

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demon_

That was something. . . .

But there are alot of annoying comma mistakes and the fonts kinda made it look like I was readin' a children's book. And it alwyas bugs me to read stories that look like there one big paragraph (though I know your intention were to have them indented; I hope. . . .) I decided to give it a few paragraphs, despite the format slopyness, and it pulled me. So it must be good. And if this is your first story, keep on going!

Good job,
Demon

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Hawke

Mmm, this is good. (Sorry. Someone had to say it. *grin*)

But seriously...

I liked this a lot (though I do agree with the comments and suggestions posted above). Especially the ending. Now that was well done. And no, I don't want to know the secret. I'm paraniod enough, thanks.

Good job, Fallstel. Thank you for posting.

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