LostCause

I really have no idea what to call this so I made up some weird name like that. I've decided that the last 6 months of my life were the best times of my life so far so I've begun writing them down. Peoples names have been changed but if you know the people you'll know who they are and this will contain secrets so I'm intending to post it on a broad spectrum where my friends probably won't read as compared to my myspace or something like that. Its written in a very boring way but it's kinda an interesting 6 months so wutev.

I suppose I'll start this on August 12th 2005 at about 2:30 in the morning and just flashback whenever its needed.

I love the summer. Its one of the few things that actually make me happy. I go to bed at 10 in the morning and wake up in 5 or 6 at night then get on the internet. Its perfect. So I boot up my shitty 56k internet and log on myspace. There is a bulletin from this local band 'Symbiote' titled "What should we do tomorrow?" I open it up and it says "Lestat and I, Loki, will be about on the town tomorrow since neither of us have work. So where will the fans be?" I PMed them and said "You guys should come hang out with me and my house cuz I'm a loser who never leaves the house. My address is 136 Autumn Avenue, Enola, 17025 if you're interested." I then went about doing other random shit until sunrise when I went for a 8 mile walk to Harrisburg as I always did in the summer. I love the smell of Summer Sunrise at the Riverfront. When I got home, before going to bed I saw a message for Loki which read "We have no idea where your house is ... do you know where Champion Ship Records is?" Since he had a little flashing 'online now' picture I responded ...
"Yea, I went to an hXc show there once."
"Go there tonight ... we'll hang out."
"Who's playing?"
"This band called 'Whore' ... they're really good."
"Alright .. see you there."
"Bye."
I then went to bed and woke up at about 5:30. The show started at 6:30 so I threw on my Symbiote shirt and a pair of jeans and asked my mom to take me to Champ. She agreed and got me dinner. I got there at about 6:40. I walked around the place seeing if I could find Loki or Lestat or Kyle or Kris. I couldn't so I sat down on the floor by the production booth. The first band, 'The Vulcans' came on ay 6:45 and played some vulgar acoustic rock "I like to take my little brother from behind." I'm glad my mom didn't come. I just sat there sulking in my boredom until about 7:15 when I heard someone say "Dan?" I turned to look at the girl and kinda reconized her.
"Yea?" I asked.
"You don't remember me do you?"
"You're familiar but I can't remember your name." I turned my head back to look at the stage assuming she'd leave.
"I'm Leah. Leah Watson. From 7th grade? Don't you remember." My ears perked up.
"Did you give me The Wall for my birthday?"
"Yea."
I stood up.
"Its been so long."
"I know, who are you here to see?"
"Symbiote."
"Are they playing tonight?"
"No. Loki told me to meet him here."
"Oh cool. I love those guys."
"Who are you here for?"
"Whore."
"I kinda wanna see them. Loki says they're good."
"They are."
Neither of us talked for a few minutes and eventually we turned back to the stage. Then I saw a girl I used to know named Julia walked from the Bar area over to Leah.
"I got a screwdriver for you, a fuzzy naval for me, and since I saw you were talking to this guy I got him a can of beer."
"Where's my sex on the beach?" Leah asked.
"Right here." Julia then made out with Leah as they backed into the production booth. It sounds really generic and phony but that really happened. They made out for about 5 minutes as I stood there feeling awkward as hell. Finally Julia pulled her tongue out of Linday's throat.
"I need a smoke," she said.
They started to walk away then Leah turned around.
"Dan, you coming?"
I stood there for a second assuming she meant someone else then realizing she was talking to me I hurried over to them. We walked to another room and Julia had a smoke. At one point Leah's phone rang and she answered it.
"Hello ... yeah, we're here ... where are you 4 at? Okay ... Take Poplar until it intersects with Erford and turn onto Erford. Take Erford a long while until you reach a Rite-Aid and turn left there. You'll be on Market Street. Take Market for about a quarter mile and you'll see an Ice Cream shop. Turn right there and drive down. Me and two of my friends will be there waiting for you." She hung up her phone. "We gotta help Ant with some stuff."
"Whats going on?" Julia asked.
"This is his first time at Champ so he has no idea where he's going. Come on Dan, we gotta help out a friend of mine."
"Whatever." I was happy just being around people.
We left the club and Leah flashed a card at the door man and gestured to Julia and I. He nodded and we left the roped in area. We stood out in the back parking lot for about 5 minutes when finally a black van came down the road.
"Is that 'Ant'?" I asked.
"Yea."
He pulled the van next to us and rolled his window down.
"Linds, get in shotty, you two, get in the back."
Leah hopped in the front seat to guide him to the club I suppose and Julia and I got in the back. Julia flicked a switch and the back was lit up. There were 5 guitars, a bass, a ton of amps and a full drum kit in the back of the van.
"Holy shit ... you're Dan. From daycare."
"Yea."
"Its been years. I thought you moved away."
"Nope ... I've been for all 15 years ... I just am no longer popular to be near you or your friends."
"I'm sorry."
"Whatever. Who is this guy?" I asked Julia.
"Its Ant, the bassist."
"Bassist for who?"
"Whore."
"Oh." I felt startstruck.
After only 30 seconds the van stopped and the interior light went off. A few seconds later the door opened and Ant was standing there in a Bad Religion sleeveless tee, a pair of camo shorts, and smoking a cigarette.
"Julia" he said nodding to her and reaching out for her hand. She accepted it and he helped her out of the van.
"And who are you?"
"Dan." I said.
"Dan, I'm Anthony ... Ant for short. Pleasure to meet you."
"And you."
"Need help out?"
"Nope."
I got of the van.
"Wanna help getting this shit out of the van?"
"Sure" Leah said. "Come on guys."
We unloaded the van and by the time we were done I noticed a guy had been watching me for a while. Finally, after we were done I went to up him. He was facing the other way by now.
"Hey, sir ... do you have a smoke?" I couldn't sound more unnatural.
He turned.
"Are you Dan?"
"Yea ... how'd you know?"
"The shirt."
"Oh." I forgot I was wearing a Symbiote shirt.
"So whats going on Dan?"
"Nothing ... whats going on with you Lestat?"
"I'm Loki."
I turned seven shades of red.
"I'm sorry ..."
"Its okay. Nothings going on with me. Are you going to our show tomorrow?"
"I'm not allowed. My mom doesn't want me to go to Lancaster from 6-midnight."
"Oh ... that sucks."
"Yea. Hey if I called her would you try to convince her to let me go?"
"Sure."
I got the cell phone I stole from my brother's car out of my pocket and called my mom. I don't remember what Loki said to her but I was allowed to go the show. We spent the next 2 and a half hours discussing music, mostly his. I never realized it at the time but now that communication with him is completely nonexistant he was a very arrogant selfcentered person. I missed Whore's set but what I heard through the walls was really good. I promised myself I'd see them sometime soon. Eventually my mom picked me up and I went home anticipating anxiously the fun I'd have the next day.

hirshmon

Here are some mistakes that you might want to go back and fix:
Its > "It's one of the few things..."
Its > "It's perfect."
reconized > "kinda recognized her"
walked > "walk from the bar area over to Leah"
And then your last paragraph falls about, like you needed to finish in a hurry or something, and there are many, many errors that you should carefully look over.

Here is my problem with the piece: You used this tone/dialect of a normal kid, and it was realistic and down-to-earth and true and heartful...but it was boring. The subject matter was not exciting in the slightest (except the lesbians making out, but that would've been better in movie format) and the conclusion was cliche (when you found out that Loki was arrogant, etc). I know it's all true, and you want to stay true to the truth, but you have to jazz this up and make it worth reading. You need more and more interesting description, more drama, more direction, and more purpose. You need some introspection and conflict.... it just needs to be interesting instead of looking like a high quality blog entry.

But it's a good start, and I enjoyed the reality behind it.

LostCause

Thank you for the feedback. I haven't taken a writing class or english that focuses on style/grammer/puncuation in two years so I'm kinda rusty. I did finish this is a hurry. I'll work on what you suggested. Leah isn't a lesbian, currently (Feb. 16) she's going out with a 26 year old guy.

Dan

BeL

Greetings

I second that.

Right now it's more or less just a dialog, and not a very interesting one. Try telling your reader how your character feels in this story... use his senses. If it's a real life story try recalling what you felt, did the girls kiss arouse you? did this :
make you feel bad? etc...

Hope I helped
Miltiadis.

LostCause

Alright. Thank you. I did realize while I was writing it that it wasn't emotive at all. I'll work on that as well. And I like dialog lol

dan