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Short Stories Short Stories, usually between 500 and 2000 words.

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Old 02-14-2006, 09:02 PM   #1
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The Last Battle

My first post! Woohoo! This just popped into my head! It's not completely finished. I need to correct any spelling, grammar, or punctuation mistakes. Comments are appreciated!! Oh! FYI there is no blood, guts, or gore in this.

The Last Battle (rough draft)

The green and gold banners crackled in the morning breeze, proclaiming this would be a day of victory. From over the Northern grassy hill, a knight in gleaming silver armor rode atop a shimmering steed. Walking halfway down the steep hillside, he pulled his stallion to a stop. Armor clanking and metal clashing echoed from behind as an army on horseback appeared slowly behind him. Their mounts were eager to fight and fidgeted under their riders, their heads tossed as they pawed the ground. The riders sat tall and proud, holding their weapons at hand, their eyes fixed on the knight.
Archers were at the ready on higher ground, waiting for their orders to send a deadly wave of arrows down upon their enemies.
The earth began to shake as the sound of drums came from the Southern side of the field. Galloping over the barren ground, a knight dressed in gold came on his raven steed. Pulling his steed to a stop, his bloodthirsty eyes looked to the silver knight across the way.
The drums accelerated as an army two-thirds larger than that of the silver knight lined the rocky hilltop. Beating their metal plated chests atop their black horses, they drew their long curvy swords and held them up to the heavens. With a cry that would chill even the devils blood, they began pouring down the hillside, the golden knight remained where he stopped.
The silver knight held his position. Drawing his long sword, he pointed it to the sun so that beams of golden rays streaked across the meadow. The stallion reared and took off down the hillside, leading the way to battle.
A cry pierced the ears of men; from the sky a flock of griffins soared. Their wings beating the air, their feathers gleamed in the hot sun as they descended down upon the black army. Talons raised and sharp they gave one last shrill before they met the men. Ripping them from the saddle, leaving their horses to wander aimlessly, the griffins threw them down into the stampede. Arrows from the dark side showered the sky, making the griffons’ retreat to a higher atmosphere, waiting for the arrows to cease before diving down once more to kill.
The army of silver advanced down the hillside, their swords in hand as the men gave a war cry. A wave of arrows pierced the armor of the black, cutting down the first three lines of men. All time seemed to slow as the army’s came close, and when then met the sound was like thunder. Swords clashed, armor broke, mounts shrilled in pain; the fight wouldn’t end until a leader was slain.
Fighting his way up the lines of men, the silver knight didn’t slow. Full speed he divided the army in two, heading straight for the gold knight, his army was close at hand. Raising his sword, the knight broke through the army and into the realm of the dark one.
The gold knight hit the flank of the stallion coming toward him with a spear. The silver knight flew off the back of his stallion. Hearing a screech, the silver knight felt talons grab his armor. A griffon put him safely on the ground to battle.
Growing frustrated, the dark lord stepped down from his horse and pulled his sword out. His grip was hard on his sword, a scarred face visible under his helmet. A malicious grin revealed his rotting teeth and arrogant nature.
The silver knight grasped his sword, charging at the other, giving a cry as the sword collided. The two were equally matched in strength and will. Their swords clashed and the world, to them, seemed to disappear as they battled. In a final thrust the swords’ broke. The silver knight screamed as a jagged sword fragment sunk deep into his thigh. Falling to the ground the knight gasped for air as he removed his helmet. Tossing it to the side, he knew the fight would be over and he wanted his enemy to look in his eyes when he died.
The dark lord suffered injuries as well, but none so severe as the silver knight. He wheezed in pain as shards sunk into the right side of his body. Tearing off his helmet, he threw it to the ground where it clanged against what was left of his sword. He picked up the splinter and grasped it in his good hand, looking to the Silver Knight he couldn’t help but grin. Advancing on the silver knight, he bent down on the ground next to him.
The Silver Knight held back screams; he gulped hard and closed his eyes, praying for God to give him the strength to battle again. His hand reached for the metal shard protruding out of his leg.
Opening his eyes he saw the dark lord raise his sword, and with a cry the silver knight pulled the sword from his wound and stuck it deep into the chest of his enemy.
The golden knight gave a blood-chilling scream. His red eyes looked down at his chest and then to the silver knight. His mouth open and a trail of blood running from the corners of his mouth, his face grew pale as he gasped for air; he had the strength to make one final move.
The silver knight met his gaze. Tears filled his big blue eyes, and he too was gasping for air. He knew what was coming. Before the silver knight could react, the sword of his enemy entered his flesh. The silver knight jolted up as pain swept over his body. Within moments the knight lay limp. The dark knight hung over the body of his enemy, and with his last breath he slumped over onto the ground.
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Old 02-15-2006, 03:22 AM   #2
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A couple quick nit pick edits to help you out before i critique:

Since you're new I'll be the first to point out that posting here screws up formatting from 3rd party word processors like Word. The biggest problem is that it takes out indents, so it makes a story all one big block. So just for future reference to make things easier to read put an empty line between each paragraph(i know it's annoying)

Quote:
making the griffons’
while both spellings, griffon and griffin are correct, i suggest you just pick one and stay consistent

Quote:
army’s
should be armies, it's a plural not a possessive



As for the story, I thought it was a good start/scene from a longer piece. As a standalone story, it was a little weak as it lacked any kind of character development or substance as far as plot goes. this is not me saying that it was bad by any means, just that id like to read the rest of the story someday.

A couple of random suggestions/questions. I was wondering if by Gold armor you meant just gold colored or if it's actually made of gold. Becuase I was thinking gold is a soft metal and wouldn't work well as an armor... but then again you have the mythical griffons helping the silver knight so maybe the armor is magically enchanted or something.

I'm also a little confused about the whole sword shattering and ending up in both knights... So they both stabbed each other and the swords broke off? or is like they connected swords and the fragments flew off and went into the knights? Either way it felt a little unbelievable that they could pull these sharp edged pieces of metal out of their bodies and then use them with enough force to stab the other through the armor. Ah well, these are just little things that made the story that much less believable.

Overall though good job! Write some more to this, like introduce characters and a plot and it could turn into something substantial.
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Old 02-16-2006, 07:30 PM   #3
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I really enjoyed your story and am looking forward to read more, These are my favorite type of tales so keep writing them. I can't give you the technical advise that some people on this site can but here are a couple of things that I was thrown of by.

1. the "curvy" swords. I was wondering if you meant Curved swords. Curvy sounds like it curves one way then curves back. This might have been what you meant but I would have a hard time picturing that.

2. The Gold knight threw down his helmet and it hit his sword that was on the ground. then he uses the shard from his chest to approach the silver night . So at this point I believe that neither one has a sword. then you say that they stab each other with swords. It might work better if you have the silver knight stabbed him with the broken blade still attached to the sword hilt or a dagger.
I can see were you are going with sword shard thing, it is more tragic. but maybe they could use the same blade to stab each other.
3. this is total preference but gold doesn't seem to be a evil color. I didn't have trouble with the gold or silver colored armour, I understood that they were just the color of the metal armour. I just thought I would add this because I think it the different colors makes them stand out(more important) from the common knights fighting in the battle.

Well like I said I really liked your story and hope to read more, by the way this is my first critique so I was not sure what I was suppose to say, so I just gave you my idea's. Hope they helped, and if they didn't I am sorry.

Last edited by Uhtred of Northumbrain : 02-16-2006 at 07:37 PM.
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