So Much L.O.V.E - Writers Forum

LoneWolf · 02-12-2006, 12:08 AM

Here's my short little V-Day story, something silly I just wrote. (ps: I was thinking of making it longer so uh...watch out for that. Thanks!)

"I don't like candy like that."

"Like what?" Samantha held up a chocolate from her box and stared at it. "It's chocolate, for Christ's sake."

Johnny shrugged. "I dunno...it's just, like, filled with stuff."

"Filled with stuff?" The doubt in her voice echoed throughout their bedroom and Johnny sighed.

"Yeah, filled with that co-co-nut shit and that nasty cherry gel. That shit's gross. Just give me some plain choclate!"

"Darling, it's not co-co-nut. People don't say that."

"Then how the hell do they say it?"

Samantha tossed her auburn hair and bit into another chocolate. "Just plain coconut, duh."

Johnny's face turned to a bright pink as he cried "Jesus, Sam! Who gives a shit about how they pronounce co-co-nut? I'm goin' out."

As the slamming of the door reverberated throughout the house Sam shrugged and bit into another chocolate. "You fucking asked, Jesus."

Sigg · 02-12-2006, 03:13 AM

uhh, it was an interesting bit of dialogue but the punch line was a little weak to be as short as it was. If you made it longer that'd be better. I liked what I've read so far though.

gohn67 · 02-12-2006, 03:26 AM

Gross coconut and cherry gel with chocolate. Sounds like some kind candy created to induce vomiting. (insert vomit emoticon [too lazy to find it])

It was an interesting piece of flash, but the I agree with Sigg that punchline was a bit weak.

I like the title. There's definitely a lot of love in this piece.

eggo · 02-12-2006, 10:47 AM

Hey LW,

Laughed like hell. You picked on the commercialism of the day when you have to tell someone you love them. I loved the petty argument that wasn't anything close to the real problems with their relationship.

Thanks

JTnovelist · 02-12-2006, 11:03 AM

The title was definently ironic

and the dialogue was...unique

I thought it was O.K. it needs work though.

02-12-2006, 12:14 PM

I can definitely relate to this. Most huge blow-ups between couples seem to occur over the most irrelevant of things (the proper way to say coconut, for instance). Glad to know I'm not alone on that.

Too short to offer much criticism. I'll look for your longer piece.

ross · 02-13-2006, 03:45 AM

Hello Lonewolf.
Is this a segment from real life? Sounds like to to me at least.
Funny too!

BookLover · 02-13-2006, 04:02 AM

I can very well relate to this, given the fact that my better half hates chocolates and can't stand the sight of them. We have never had this type of conversation, though.

I liked your piece, but as others have noted, the punchline was weak. I think you can reword it and make it stronger. If you are going to make this longer, do post it.

hirshmon · 02-13-2006, 10:33 AM

There seemed to be some inconsistency with the dialogue, but that just might be my opinion... I just can't see someone saying both "Darling" and "duh" - they seem to come from different maturity levels.

I liked this though! I also hate the co-co-nut and cherry fillings of chocolates and long for the chocolate filled chocolates. This was a very funny insight into relationships, and I enjoyed it. I didn't think the punchline was weak - I thought it was ironically humorous.

LoneWolf · 02-13-2006, 09:37 PM

Hey everyone, since everyone basically said the same thing I'll separate my replies into individual and general comments. Hope that made sense!

To everyone: Ya, the punchline was weak, I admit it. Actually I was writing this and I was gonna make it longer but ironically my bf called me so I stopped. I'll definitely make this one longer though (but it will take a dark, less humorous turn). It was just a crazy little idea I had to get out.

Sigg
I'm glad you liked it; a longer version should be up soon! Thanks!

gohn
Thank you much...trust me, there is candy like that out there. I just thought about all the times I bit into a gross piece of that chocolate...ugh. Glad you liked the title!

Maria
Many thanks for saying you liked everything!

The completed version will be a lot longer.

eggo
Aww thank you! I'm glad I made somebody laugh like hell!!! I'm also happy to see that you picked up on how bad thsi couple really is.

JTnov
I agree, it does need work. I see that you're fairly new, so let me just say in my defense...I'm really an okay writer...I'm not usually this bad

Thanks for reading!

aprilrain

Thanks, I'm glad you could relate to this. I wanted to show the not-so-sweet side of V-Day. Longer piece should be up soon!

ross
Merci, ross! Nah, this isn't from real life, but I do have silly little arguments like this. I just thought the pronounciation of coconut would be funnier than like, what day it was lol

sanyuja
Hehe yay, another person who can relate! I shall most def. work on my punchline and dialogue. I'm glad you liked it, though. Thanks!

hirshmon

Quote:

There seemed to be some inconsistency with the dialogue, but that just might be my opinion... I just can't see someone saying both "Darling" and "duh" - they seem to come from different maturity levels.

Actually...this is basically how I talk. When I say 'Darling' I mean it in a sarcastic, slightly condescending way, and 'duh' is just me being my 17-year-old self. So I guess you could say that I come from different maturity levels because I can act old and I can act like a kid; usually when I'm with my bf I'm very comfortable and so I act goofy...like myself. So ya, I know where you're coming from though, it does sound weird...just wanted to defend my personality a bit.

I'm glad you liked it, though. Someone who can finally understand the hatred for those chocolates! And thank you so much for liking the punchline! lol...you're like the only one! I think I will rewrite it a bit to make it more funny. Thanks again!!!

cryptika · 02-13-2006, 10:50 PM

This is the kind of stupid thing my boyfriend and I would fight over, the stuff that doesn't even matter. I liked it, it's a quirky lil Valentine's piece, looking forward to the expanded version.

Sindy · 02-15-2006, 10:56 AM

Hi there!

I guess it is rather sweet! The title itself is rather catchy, and the story is soaked with sweet, tender and pure love. I liked the style. I guess such choppy dialogues leave food for readers' thought, and has much underlying theme in them. This dialogue has something in common with the dialogues between main heroes in Hemingway's "Farewell to Arms".

LoneWolf · 02-16-2006, 10:03 PM

Cryptika, Thanks! I'm happy that you could relate to it as well! I just wanted to show how real couples celebrate V-Day lol

Sindy, Really? It has something in common with Hemingway?! That's crazy, thanks for that. I'll definitely work on making the dialogue less choppy, fixing it up a bit. I'm surprised you found so much love (no pun intended) in this!

Thanks again!

mjk · 02-16-2006, 10:20 PM

hahahah! this is great! just love it. fantastic ending. thanks for the hearty chuckle!