The Shooting Gallery - Writers Forum

mike z. · 02-09-2006, 11:52 AM

Disclaimer:

Probably not for minors. Vague sexual references. Humour (I hope).

The Shooting Gallery

My Son and I scored sandaled imprints into Eros Beach, the most pleasant and beautiful of all beaches in Delusia. I thought it would be a good place for him to be - to see - as the passage of sleeping souls is a beautiful one.

The invisible carpet of the passage, a catwalk over the bay of Eros, ferried sleeping souls from one side of the harbour to the other and back again. Back and forth, those sleeping souls floated above the warm waters and bathed in the up currents of Eros fuming from the seabed and bubbling to the surface. Two opposing currents swirled side by side in the bay, exhaling spice and variety, with the passage running through the middle.

The floating path is slow and meandering. Sleeping souls love Eros and take their time, tasting all the flavours of the water’s scent without preference.

Those who fall from the passage end up in one current or the other. They do not fall on their own, though, and they tend to be helped or pushed in that regard by one thing or another. Such an instrument of push or pull often takes the form of mud.

A spinning ball of mud, apparently slung from the opposite side of the harbour, smacked a young spirit square in the face. He fell into one of the currents and joined a great pile of fellow souls circling lazily around the whirlpool of rainbow eros. The waters saturated him, and he knew only one flavour from then on.

“…uk it….bitch…itch…itch..ch..ch…” echoed an overcompensating voice over the harbour.

“Father, what was that?” asked my Son of sixteen.

I grumbled, clenched my fists and humphed. How dare Adonis do such a thing in front of my boy. Does he wish to always embarrass me? I am by no means as fit as he, but I am attractive nonetheless, as all Erosians are.

Not wanting to appear weak in front of the boy, I scooped mud up from the wet beach and began to shape it in my hands.

“That… was Adonis. The biggest beefcake prick in all Eros, if there ever was one.”

I locked my sights on a rather attractive sleeping soul floating along the bridge, grinning in her trance as wet dreams massaged her mind. Her physical body lay somewhere in another dimension, probably sweating and squirming slightly under the sheets. She was very beautiful, and I lamented her residence in such a far away plane, knowing that I would never feel the supple warmth of her breasts in my hands.

Still…she was the closest to me, sliding from left to right across my horizon, the first in a surge of souls passing through the dream gate and into the harbour along the track. My aim was by no means comparable to Adonis’.

She was my only chance to save face.

I slung my mud at her and smacked her dead centre between the breasts. She gasped and teetered off the path, falling backwards into one of the swirling whirlpools, joining others who had already been dumped in and changed by its waters.

“Why did you do that, Father?”

“Because…Adonis annoys me, Son.”

“Why don’t you stop fighting with him? You are knocking all of the souls into the harbour, shocking them into believing that they are trapped in one current or the other. Is spice not something to be cherished above meddling?”

“And lose? But Son, I am right! Adonis is wrong!”

“It is a shame, Father. She was a beautiful one. I would enjoy the oppurtunity to have her, once I grow old enough to visit the other realm.”

“I am sorry my Son, but I must not show weakness. Did you happen to see which flow she fell into, which pile of souls she joined?”

“The one on the left.”

“I am doubly sorry, for you, my Son. When that one wakes up, she will fancy herself a lesbian.”

THE END

FloridaJay · 02-09-2006, 12:06 PM

Well, that certainly was saucy, wasn't it, and well written, too. I'd only change this line

We scored sandaled imprints into Eros Beach, my Son and I, the most pleasant and beautiful of all beaches in Delusia.

to this...

My son and I scored sandaled imprints into Eros beach, the most pleasant and beautiful of all beaches in Delusia.

...or something to that effect. As you wrote it, it sounds like the son or the narrator are the most pleasant and beautiful of all beaches in Delusia.

Otherwise, it's excellent.

mike z. · 02-09-2006, 12:08 PM

Wow, that was quick. Concerns noted; I'll change the first line. Thanks for reading.

colvin11 · 02-09-2006, 03:21 PM

I'm nto quite sure I understand this, explain it for stupid people such as myself, please.

i think the narrator is supposed to be god, the son jesus, but I don't have a clue about adonis

Changeling · 02-09-2006, 04:54 PM

Good, relaxed and confident opening. I liked your use of language, captures a mood like a lazy sunday afternoon on some eternal beach. I did get a bit lost in the story, but the atmosphere and imagery are strong here. keep it up

mike z. · 02-09-2006, 08:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by colvin11

I'm nto quite sure I understand this, explain it for stupid people such as myself, please.

i think the narrator is supposed to be god, the son jesus, but I don't have a clue about adonis

This story is about a competition between two men in a mud slinging contest. Adonis was a figure in Greek myth who was full of himself and in love with his own physique.

The man is not god, just a resident of the spirit world, walking along a beach where human minds go during the night to have wet dreams.

Thank you both for reading and complimenting me on my use of imagery. I tried hard in that regard.

Thank you both for reading.

mjk · 02-10-2006, 09:32 PM

hahaha, sir, you are a wit! this was quite humorous. i will say it was not as well written as some of your previous work, but it does well here with the content and the brevity. thanks for the laughs.

just a few things:

Quote:

I thought it would be a good place for him to be, to see, as the passage of sleeping souls is a beautiful one.

those commas surrounding "to see" throw me off. perhaps dashes would work better?

Quote:

“That…was Adonis.

there needs to be a space after the ellipsis.

Quote:

joining others who had already been dumped in and changed by it’s waters.

its

Quote:

shocking them into beleiving that they are trapped in one current or the other. Is spice not somethig to be cherished above meddling?”

believing and something

Quote:

I would enjoy the oppurtunity to have her, once I grow old enough to visit the other realm.”

wait, so the son can visit the other realm but the father can't?

mike z. · 02-11-2006, 08:52 AM

Thanks mjk. Your words are appreciated. I'm glad you found it witty, my best writing moments come for me when I'm feeling like a smart ass, and this story was most definitely a product of smartallecky frustrations.

You asked:
wait, so the son can visit the other realm but the father can't?

No, the father can visit too, but I felt that the comments of the father never being able to touch that woman rang true with a more realist attitude, as did his urge to compete with Adonis and accept the situation instead of walking away. His gaze was fixed fimrly in the present.

The Son, with his ideas about spice and him being youthful, is something of an idealist. He looks to the future. His solution to his father's argument was a good one, but not one that paid off right away for his presentist dad. Always wishing, he liked to believe that he would actually have been able to find that girl among the other 6 billion souls we have cluttering up the place. His father, not so confident...

I'm going to look into that and see if I can tweak that before putting it into my "More Or Less Confidently Finished Stories" pile.

02-11-2006, 03:42 PM

mike z.,
Eveyone else has pointed out the errors, so I have nothing to add critically. But I did want to let you know how much I enjoyed this imaginative story. It reminds me of the tall tales we read in school that creatively explained how something came into being. Apparently, sexuality isn't based upon nature OR environment (despite the debate); it is based upon pissing contests of the gods!

Great job.

mike z. · 02-11-2006, 04:34 PM

Such a perfect explanation aprilrain, exactly what the story is supposed to tell. It's my little rebellion against a topic that I feel is all too often taken much too seriously. In thew words of my writing, we should just go with the flow on this one.