A short suspense story... - Writers Forum

Neo1587 · 02-07-2006, 10:39 PM

So I wrote this about a year ago, it was originally for school, as part of a horror project. I would say it's definately one of my fav. pieces I've written, but I was just wondering if some people on here wouldn't mind giving me some criticism or maybe some ideas on how to improve the story. Thank you for your time and contribution in advance.

mjk · 02-08-2006, 12:49 AM

you need to actually post this in the forum, not just the downloadable document as people are generally too lazy to read it and actually critique it while in that format. once you've done that, i'll come back to give it a read and leave my comments.

welcome to the forums.

Neo1587 · 02-08-2006, 08:14 PM

Oh, sry, thank you very much for the tip.

The Love Of Douglas Fall...
I remember it like yesterday, the night that I suddenly had cause for the deed that I did. The night I finally had the proof, the night I finally had evidence, the night that I from then on no longer had any doubts in my mind as to what to do about her. Yes, that was the night that I first began to construct my plan, the same night that I had the evidence shown before my very eyes. I saw; I caught her doing the evil deed in her extravagant red Volkswagen bus and there would be consequences for such actions, a wage paid only with blood; her blood. The only blood that could atone for what she had done. Yes, she would have to die for what she had done; it was the only fitting ending, the only one that made sense, it was the only ending that could possibly end in my own favor.
Of course how would I go about making something like this happen? In what way could her death bring the most complete, the most perfect, the most satisfactory closure? Why, the answers to these problems lie in the brilliance of the plan. Just what is the plan you might say, well, I will tell you in the utmost details the plan, and then you shall see it’s brilliance.
It was late, near seven o’ clock, a little too late for my taste. I bought a train ticket so that I could go and see her, for I had one of her sweaters, and I wished so much to return it. To see her put it on, to wear that one special sweater that I had designed so very intelligently as an instrument for my gain. I made my way down to the train station, taking the sweater with me of course. It was a dark night, the kind of night that only exists in dreams, the kind of night whose call can only be truly satisfied with the ending of life, a spilling of blood. I continued to my red Volkswagen bus; it reminded me of her unforgivable deed, her foulness. Reaching for the key, I put it in the ignition. The revving engine was almost a release, something constant, the one thing I was completely sure would work. To my surprise I let out a bit of a curse, as if to reassure my nerves, an attempt to solidify the judgments that would be made that night. I continued my journey to the train station where I proceeded to the train car. Finding my seat, I quickly began to relax; I began to ponder her death, and how perfect it would be. While doing this, my thoughts began slowly, to slip away.
I was awakened by the familiar squeal of the brakes of the train. I had rode this way several times before to meet her, this exact same way; although my motives were much different this time. She lived a short time away from the station, many times before I walked it, and I would do so again. I began the trek through the forest-like area that leads to her house. It was after eight o’ clock now, I was sure of it; it was much to dark now to be any earlier. It was an odd darkness that night though. A dark unlike anything I had ever seen before. It began slow, taking its time in consuming everything in its path; rocks, trees, leaves, rodents, all things were devoured in its unceasing strength. I stood, fascinated with this darkness and that was when I heard it. A sound so unholy, so evil, so very sinister, I froze in my plan. The sound slowly began to get louder, stronger, the forest moved in about me; the darkness began to close in around my figure. My world now no longer consisted of different shades of color; no longer were there shapes of the landscape. There was only the darkness that slowly began to consume my body, my mind and my soul. Suddenly a voice cut through the thickness of the night.
“Douglas!” Called the terrible, God-forsaken voice. “Douglas!” It screamed. It was now that in my absolute fear of the darkness that had eaten me, and the powerful feeling that I may not be able to complete the plan, drove me to run forward; to complete the task that I had so cleverly devised. I dashed on the road, I dodged branches, and I jumped over rocks and holes, until I had finally reached my destination. When I had finally reached the house. There were few lights on; she was alone, which was critical to the success of the plan. I advanced to the steps of the house, going up each one savoring every moment that built up to the wonderful event that would soon enough take place. The creaks and crevices of the steps and of the porch were like the small whimpers of apologies she had made almost three months ago to me, when I discovered her in the act of her evil deed. Oh how I would love to have those sounds again repeated, in the form of the breaking of bones, her bones.
I was at the door now and was busy deciding how I would go about doing this. I had two choices, I could knock on the door and get myself invited in, or I could simply break in the door and force her death upon her. Both sounded satisfying to my character. Troubled by the decision, I reached for the sweater I had brought with me. I began to feel the sweater; I began to feel that day, that day when she had sealed her fate. I put it away and decided on kicking in the door, when I noticed she was looking out the window. She must of not have seen the sweater, for she did not talk of it when she answered the door.
“Good evening,” she said as she opened the door.
“Good evening indeed,” I replied. The next moment was that of silence, a little feeling of awkwardness enveloped us both as we stood out in the night.
“Perhaps you would like to go for a walk,” she asked.
“That would be perfect,” I answered.
We began our usual trek around the house, I made sure that the route we took enabled us to get to the garage last. Onward we walked, she constantly asking questions about how I was doing, followed by my ever so clever remarks, always hinting at the temperature of the air. We were nearing the garage now, the end of our walk.
“Look Shelly,” I finally spoke up. “It’s very cold outside, and we have been out in the night for several minutes. Please, I beg you to put on this sweater; it is yours anyway.” By the time I finished saying this we had made our way to the front of her garage, right where the blood red Volkswagen bus loomed, basking in the moonlight. Oh yes, it would be perfect.
What happened next was an event that answered the questions before asked. The event that took place made the brilliance of the plan shown. The sweater that she had oh so willingly taken, was the same sweater she had worn that day, the day three months ago that she had done her evil deed on. The effect that the sweater had was immediate, as it showed on her face. I quickly ran to her, wrapping my arms around her, I squeezed as hard as I could. What followed next were screams so blood curdling, so chilling, I nearly froze myself. She had fallen right into my plan, for unknown to her I had sown in the sweater needles. Needles so fine they were unnoticeable, yet big enough to induce the exact amount of pain that was right for her suffering.
Eventually her screams stopped and her breathing slowed. The only noise she could make now were barely audible curses and tiny squeals of pain, followed by her tears. But I was not done; this was not enough. I proceeded to rip the sweater from her body, and with it came more screams of her agony. Severed nerves, snapping tendons and the frying of every type of sensory nerve in her body followed the tear from her body. Oh, while it was perfect so far, it was not enough. I proceeded to carry her to the blood red Volkswagen bus. Only if she rested in her domain of sins could my vengeance be complete. I continued to carry her to the blood red Volkswagen bus where to this day, she lies with her dead sinning partner whom I also righted. However, his retribution is another tale completely.

FloridaJay · 02-08-2006, 08:57 PM

While being far from an adequate editor, I'm going to give it a shot and give you my critique. First of all, it was a very intriguing story. I liked it. Revenge is a dish best served cold and you did that well. The plotting and planning of your main character was written pretty well and was conveyed to me in a manner I understood. Having said that, I've found some things that didn't sit with me either because of grammar issues or sentence structure or just because I'm an idiot:

I remember it like yesterday, the night that I suddenly had cause for the deed that I did. The first line, the one that supposed to grab the reader and reel them in, didn't for me. Maybe rethink that one.

I saw; I caught her doing the evil deed in her extravagant red Volkswagen bus and there would be consequences for such actions, a wage paid only with blood; her blood. How many semicolons can be used in one sentence? I don't know.

Why, the answers to these problems lie in the brilliance of the plan. Just what is the plan you might say, well, I will tell you in the utmost details the plan, and then you shall see it’s brilliance. Using brilliance twice threw me off a little, maybe try a similar word.

While doing this, my thoughts began slowly, to slip away. This tripped me up, what exactly are you trying to convey?

I had rode this way several times before to meet her, this exact same way; although my motives were much different this time. Is it rode or ridden. I don't know.

It was after eight o’ clock now, I was sure of it; it was much to dark now to be any earlier. ...much too dark...

Like I said, I'm no grammar expert, I just thought you'd like the feedback (and hopefully the favor will be returned in the future).

The story is interesting and I am curious about reading the "sinning partner" story. Keep up the good work

mjk · 02-08-2006, 11:27 PM

well, this was definitely an interesting plot, but i will say you should spend some time with the "rules" of language, i.e. grammar, structure and the like. all that fun stuff is posted in several places on the internet, so if you do a search for grammar, i'm sure you'll come up with something that will help.

you've got a good imagination - that is very clear - but this story was poorly written, which detracts from the content. also, adverbs should be avoided as much as possible. they tend to seem redundant if used too frequently. instead of adverbs, you want to use stronger verbs, i.e. instead of saying "i walked slowly" you could say "i crept along"

my suggestion would be to run through some more grammar and structure info and then read this story again, cutting out whatever seems redundant or unnecessary.

if you have any specific questions or want to discuss this further, don't hesitate to PM me. i'd be happy to work with you on your writing. i'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but i think you have potential if you work hard at honing your talent, and i'd like to see you do that. keep writing!

bobothegoat · 02-09-2006, 02:07 AM

This lead doesn't feel very powerful, probably because the line "I remember it like yesterday," has been done to death. After that, while it does leave stuff unanswered, potentially making the reader want to know the answers, I just wanted you to get more to the point.

The part about her paying in blood was where you hooked me. If at all possible, try to start from the beginning. Start with your thing about vengeance.

Quote:

Of course how would I go about making something like this happen? In what way could her death bring the most complete, the most perfect, the most satisfactory closure? Why, the answers to these problems lie in the brilliance of the plan. Just what is the plan you might say, well, I will tell you in the utmost details the plan, and then you shall see it’s brilliance.

Normally, I'd suggest not using the word "plan" or "brilliance" so much. Here... well, it sort of works. It seems to enforce an image of the narrator being psychotic.

Quote:

...in her extravagant red Volkswagen bus

Quote:

I continued to my red Volkswagen bus

Is this intentional?

"the creaks and crevices..." part mixed me up, since a crevice isn't a sound, it's like a crack in the wood. A crevice being compared to a whisper seemed odd to me. Maybe I'm missing something?

Quote:

“Good evening,” she said as she opened the door.
“Good evening indeed,” I replied

I love this part. The excessive formality tells me that the narrator is either unreliable (likely), or she can tell on some level that their relationship is falling apart. (Well, that's one way to describe the current state of their relationship

).

Anyway, it feels like there is a sequel or part two or some sort. You left me hanging, man! Really, except for the lead and a few word choices, I liked this. Thanks for the good read.

edit: Oh, and I'm still unsure about the Volkswagen. Do they both have red Volkswagens or what?

Danny77 · 02-09-2006, 06:54 PM

Use different words for describing things. Several times you use the same adjective, like 'evil deed' and it gets old. Go into more detail about what she did, and why he was so mad. Up until the end, it seems like an empty character carrying out some diabolical scheme for no apparant reason, and it makes the reader not care.

Also, start the beggining off with a different sentence.

All in all, you have what could potentialy become a good story, but it needs a lot of work.

Good luck!

Neo1587 · 02-09-2006, 07:18 PM

Wow, thank you so much to all of you for the replies I recieved. Don't feel like any comments would be too "harsh", I just wrote this for a school project and I was hoping to develop it furthur so any comments are deeply appreciated. Well I'd like to reply to some of the questions and comments.

"Why, the answers to these problems lie in the brilliance of the plan. Just what is the plan you might say, well, I will tell you in the utmost details the plan, and then you shall see it’s brilliance." -The reason why I used "brilliance" and "plan" in this bit so much was to purposly show the narrator's obsession with the "plan" and how he viewed it as being absolutly perfect.

-Both the narrator and the women have red Volkawagen buses. I guess I didn't show it very well, but the women owns a red Volkwagen bus where she cheated on the narrator and the narrator owns one also to show his infatuation with the event.

I would like to thank everyone who left or may leave comments and criticism in consederation for this work, it means a lot to me. I will look into your suggestions and try and revise the work the best I can. By the way, the ending is ment to lead into the next story about how he kills the man the women cheated on the narrator with, I've recently been thinking of developing that story as well. Thank you again for all your help.