The Train - Writers Forum

Davie G. Porter · 02-07-2006, 03:58 PM

This is my first draft for a short story for a piece of English GCSE Coursework. Comments would be appreciated.

The station was deserted. As I sit down on the old mouldy bench, the pungent smell of urine enters my nostrils. There is a paper sitting next to me. I pick it up, but it’s yesterday’s news. I lean back against the wall, however jerk back forwards as the horrible grimy lime scale strokes my neck.
I hear footsteps coming down the stairs. Looking up I see a man with greasy grey hair, wearing a dirty brown tweed suit. The man is carrying a leather bound suitcase, bursting with papers and documents. However something else catches my eye. Something I see in his other hand. As I look transfixed at the shiny object, the man slowly turns around and smiles at me with his yellowing jagged teeth.
Suddenly a rickety sound enters my ears. As the noise gets louder, I hear the rumble of the engine slow down. A dank, dusty cloud fills my nose. I sneeze. Praying that the man is not taking the same train as me I edge towards the platform. Towards the now arriving train. The train seems as grimy and old as the station itself and equally as deserted.
I enter the carriage and take my seat on one of the old, rough, maroon seats. I turn around to see to my horror that the man is also on this carriage. My face begins to burn, so I undo the top button of my shirt and slide open the small grubby window. The train lurches away from Bakers Street. Looking up at the map I see I’ve only got six stations to go. Can I make it?
The man stands up and begins to approach me. My hands begin to tremble and I feel my Adams apple leap down my throat. I look all around me. Am I the only other person here? He gently opens my hand and places the knife inside it. Why has he given it to me? The man shows me his rotting teeth again and nods. Breaking the stony silence he says, “You will know what to do”.
The train slows down to a halt and the doors creak open. Hurriedly, the man picks up his suitcase and runs out. A family enters the carriage. Noticing that I am still holding the knife, I put it in my inside pocket. A bead of sweat runs down my forehead. Did they see it? Filled with confusion, fear and anxiety I let out a slow yawn.
Lurching back into motion, the train left the station. As my body adjusts back to the rocky rhythm of the carriage a shrill scream pierces my eardrum. The youngest child of the family is on the carriage floor crying uncontrollably. The young girl is about seven and is wearing a dirty pink dress with a rip down one side. My eyes are so transfixed on the little girl that I am completely oblivious to why the girl is crying. Looking up, I notice that the family that accompanies the girl were gone. They had vanished. The carriage shook. The carriage went dark. The carriage went silent. Every thought that I had been thinking leapt out of my head in a wild swirl of confusion.
The sound of my breathing and heart thumping against my ribcage is the only thing I can hear. Slowly getting to my feet I fumble through my pocket for my phone, to try and shed some light in the pitch-black carriage. However the phone isn’t in my left pocket…or my right pocket. I reach into my inside coat pocket and feel something in my hand. I pull it out thinking it is my phone however just as abruptly as they went out, the overhead lights flickers back on.
Four bodies lying one on top of one another in a bloody heap on the floor knocks me back into my seat. I break into a cold sweat and my body begins to shake hysterically as tears run down the side of my face. That’s when I realise that my phone wasn’t in my inside pocket at all. Reluctantly my eyes slowly turn to the object in my hand. A knife, lathered in crimson blood.

jeanne3 · 02-07-2006, 05:12 PM

Good stuff
Ok, before I start please keep in mind that it could be just me being picky here so don't take it too much to heart.

The first thing I noticed was the amazing amount of short sentences. Shorter sentences and even fragmented sentences can be used and are usually used for effect. I understand your story needs this as it is not a ponies in the flowery field type text, but I think you might have gone a little overboard on the short sentences. It probably needs to be less choppy.

"I lean back against the wall, however jerk back forwards as the horrible grimy lime scale strokes my neck."

I don’t think the "however" is right for this phrase and the "jerk back forwards" takes time to process because it's almost an oxymoron. Maybe try " I lean back against the wall, yet jerk back upright as the horrible grimy lime scale strokes my neck."

"I feel my Adams apple leap down my throat"

For this, I can see where you are going but I don’t think that “leaping” and “down” work together.

"opens my hand and places the knife inside it."

I don’t think it is a specific knife yet just because you haven’t mentioned it before. Try "a knife."

"They had vanished. The carriage shook. The carriage went dark. The carriage went silent." Although I mentioned the many short sentences, I like the use of that here.

I really like what you’ve done here over all and there is not much to say about it.
Your use of the sense of smell at the beginning was very convincing and adds to just the use of sight as a describing tool.

The ending was excellent.

Davie G. Porter · 02-07-2006, 05:21 PM

Thank you ever so much. It's quite interesting because we had to write this in class and the teacher told us something to happen in it every five minutes. At the beginnin she sed you're at a train station. A couple of minutes later she sed you see someone there and so on. Looking back I can see that I have used a lot of "choppy" sentences, which I suppose the fast pace writing created. In a way I like a lot of the chopiness, however I think that you are right that I have gone over board in some points. Again thank you very much.