Danny77

I started writing a fantasy novel about a year ago, and its evolved quite a bit, what eventually will become a trilogy...So this is a prologue for the first book. (sorry if its in the wrong spot, but I didnt know where else to post it)

Im mostly wanting to know if this grabs your attention and makes you want to read more, but I certainly appreciate all types of critique!

The Tale of Evance and Sunder
Imriel’s Dawn
Prologue


Severin ran his large, furry hand meticulously along the letters of a scroll, intensely studying each word. His fingers, like the rest of his huge, muscled body, were covered in jet black hair. Glowing in the night, his white, sinister eyes accented the long, almost dog-like features of his face, the only part of his body that wasn’t completely masked in hair.

Running down to a shoulder’s length, his dark hair greatly contrasted the ghostly white skin of his face, completely pale after years uncounted away from the sun.

Severin thumbed through the parchment, pulling up the next scroll, this one much older, perhaps ancient. Unlike the previous reading, this one was frail, with many holes in its faded body. Those white, intelligent eyes quickly read the rest of the tattered annals, carefully contemplating each word. Then, bringing the hand holding the parchment to his side, the other up to scratch his chin, Severin began to wonder the importance of it all.

It didn’t take long for the clever creature to put it all together. He had been planning this for years, and would heed the advice of the written words.
The wicked beast stood up, his large stature nearly reaching the height of the enclosure. With a brush of his arm, he pushed aside the flap that lead outside, into the camp. Out of the tent he paced, his large strides surprisingly agile and quiet.

It was dark outside, with no moons showing. A myriad of torches lined the entrances to many huts, lighting up the area with dancing flames and wild shadows. His dark robe wrapped loosely around his body, Severin paced down the main path, towards the next largest tent in camp.

Nearly tripping over each other, several smaller, grey-skinned creatures, malnourished and underdressed, quickly scurried out of the way as the large, ominous figure approached, in no way desiring to invoke the wrath of the merciless beast. Even with the lights of the torches illuminating the area in a flickering orange glow, Severin, a creature of the night if there had ever been one, naturally made his stealthy approach, and would never have been noticed by any creatures if it wasn’t for those unmistakable, white, glowing eyes.

The hairy beast approached the entrance of the large tent, with two torches standing tall on the side of each flap. Severin, who hated everything, certainly loathed this band of scullion. His vile facial features contorted as he brushed past the entrance and into the tent, his long, sharp, white claws tearing a small seam into the flap of the entrance.

Eating, drinking, and talking amongst themselves in their guttural, nomadic speech, sat a group of grey-skinned creatures around a table. The inside of the hut was surprisingly well lit, especially for grey-skins, who, like Severin, reveled in the dark.

The merriment quickly halted as the massive, robed figure approached, his intimidating and enormous body bearing down menacingly on the group. The room became silent, all silver eyes pointed at their leader.

Severin threw back his hood, his jet black hair waving ever so slightly from the draft seeping in through the door. He sniffed the air, disgusted by the smell of these peons, and narrowed his eyes, his white, glowing, seemingly orb-less eyes staring deep into each and every nervous creature.

Slowly he raised the parchment, lifting the delicate writing into the air. The half opened scrolls twirled slowly in the air as he tossed the papers their way. The parchment landed with a slap on the wooden table, still rotating as it came to a sliding halt.

The grey-skins looked curiously at the scrolls, then quickly back up to Severin, whose wicked eyes were narrowed in their usual, malicious self as he spoke, his deep growl sending waves of fear up the spine of each listening creature.

“Find her.”

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The Salad Bar Game

Angelmusic234

I like the story itself a lot- it's secretive and dark, and it caught my attention, but I do have some suggestions.

This gets old fast. Description is good, but don't overdo it, and present each description differently. Use comparisons or just describe it plainly instead of constantly using the adjective comma method you're doing.

I don't think there's anything technically wrong with this, but you should break it up or cut something out, because I had some problems following it. I mean now that I read it a couple times it sounds normal, but at first it's kind ofconfusing...

I didn't notice anything else majorly wrong with this... I like it a lot.

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It is a terrible thing to see and have no vision.
-Helen Keller

Changeling

Hi Danny.

I like the world here. Vivid with strange, dark creatures.

You hold attention with physically strong characters. I think the opening could be shortened slightly, or you could go into monologue earlier. Watch out for repetition. You mention he is hairy several times. And over long descriptions. Maybe tighten, show rather than tell what is happening.
"He sniffed the air, disgusted by the smell of these peons, and narrowed his eyes, his white, glowing, seemingly orb-less eyes staring deep into each and every nervous creature."

Maybe "He sniffed the air, gagged, and narrowed his glowing orb-less eyes..each creature in turn."
Good imagination, characters, description. I'd keep reading it. Good stuff, keep it up.

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We are all in the gutter, but some of us are gazing at the stars. (Wilde)

Danny77

Thanks for the input!

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The Salad Bar Game

Dephere

Okay, let me first say that I enkoyed reading this. It's a challenge to present completely foreign creatures in a familiar way, but you did this rather nicely.

I will point out some of the things I notticed in this piece (if there's a lot just know that I mean well...I tend to be a picky reader it's my way of helping)...

Wow! I understand that you are trying to place an image in our mind of your character, but this many adjectives so closely packed together can really mar your efforts. It seems contrived and in essence dilutes our picture of you character. Just take your time, you have plenty of story to let us know how he looks. You don't have to get it all out in the first paragraph.

Just get rid of the "a" here and it flows much better.

This is your choice, but I think the sentence would be much better without the word "those".

I like the imagery here, it's a great way to put the picture in my mind.

I think you should change the bold to "torch light", it makes the sentence a cohesive unit, while the other way makes me stumble through it.

Later in the piece you point out the fact that Severin is a creature of the night, but you intimate it rather than beat us over the head with it. I think you should get rid of the bold and let the reader pick this up later. It seems out of place here.

Last little thing:

I would suggest breaking up this sentence, I got lost. Also, the word self doesn't work in this sentence, it really threw me off.

Overall a good job, you kept the reader interested with your originality. I want to learn more as to the nature of your Severin's existence, I also want to know who "she" is. Good job, and I hope you stick with it!

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Danny77

Thanks for the help! I agree with the over-use of adjectives, and I appreciate you guys opening up my eyes, as now that I look back on it, it does stick out pretty bad :p

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The Salad Bar Game