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Short Stories Short Stories, usually between 500 and 2000 words.

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Old 02-05-2006, 07:04 PM   #1
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Dianne (Short piece with twist)

Dianne (Voyeur part 2)
Eight months I’ve been seeing her now. She likes the Italian place on Victoria.
The way she moves, sensual and catlike, but never forced, pure class, natural. You’ll see some walking like supermodels on the high street. But watch them long enough until they’re tired, or rushing, or drunk, or just when town is empty - the whole act disappears. Not my Dianne, even when she’s tired she moves the same, only she tilts her head to catch the sky in her eyes and air in her mouth.
The first time I seen her she was on the verge of being attacked. I had clocked an ex con, a known nonce stalking her through the town centre, towards the boundary. The boundary is the limit of our vision. It is where the linked cameras end and the privately owned take over.
The nonce had a distinctive way about him before striking. I’d seen it before. Sometimes we are shown the rapists on re-runs to get a feel for potential attacks. He showed all the signs, eager and psyched.
I didn’t let the police know I was calling on a hunch. I wasn’t taking chances. But the town was quiet, and they responded in good time.
I watched the nonce approach her from behind in silence. He gestured for the time and began making polite conversation. She continued on, checking her watch into the distance and beyond the screen.
I stayed beyond my time until I could get feedback from the police that she was ok. I barely slept for days after. Then I saw her on a Tuesday, walking, elegantly, beautiful. When she was gone I’d search for the nonce. McVicar was his name. I got his details and address. If I see him go after her again it would be his last time.
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Last edited by Changeling : 02-05-2006 at 08:39 PM.
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Old 02-05-2006, 07:47 PM   #2
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Ooooh, that is a creepy ending! I like it though; a nice, short, poignent anecdote.

I could definitely see this as only being a premise for a larger work - it definitely has potential for expansion.

"The first time I seen her" ...is that an accent/dialect thing, bad grammar, or what?
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Old 02-05-2006, 08:11 PM   #3
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Ooooh, very intriguing!! And I like the creepy ending, very much. May I ask why you shortened the piece?

I agree with hirshmon, this really has potential for some development. How creepy would it be if your narrator was describing something we thought was an "actual" physical relationship.. to the point where they're almost having conversations with each other (at least, the narrator thinks so)... and she's being followed everywhere by this creepy guy (the narrator IS a guy, right?) and then, bang, oops, he's a stalker..

It's hard to imagine him never having heard her speak, if he's spent eight months chasing her around, eating at the same restaurants, ogling her from a few tables down, et cetera.. He knows what she orders, but doesn't know what her voice sounds like? even if he was just spying on what was brought out to her, surely he'd be close enough to hear her speak..

Also, "The first time I seen her"? Is this an error, or deliberate?

I don't know, just some thoughts I had. I enjoyed it a lot, thanks
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Old 02-05-2006, 08:37 PM   #4
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Thanks for the crits guys.
I shortened it in order to create the twist. The original was based on a guy who watches her on CCTV cameras. He might have seen her eating through the window.
"The first time I seen her" That is probably bad grammer as you have both picked up on it. I often slip up on grammer. Although it is a natural way of speaking where I live.
I'm gonna put the original up.
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Old 02-05-2006, 08:40 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Changeling
The original was based on a guy who watches her on CCTV cameras. He might have seen her eating through the window.
Ah, I see
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Old 02-06-2006, 08:51 AM   #6
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The grammar slip-ups here work because I couldn't imagine the narrator telling this story in the tone of a college professor or whatnot.

I really liked the world you created here. I get the feeling that the narrator has only seen Dianne through the cameras. Is that right?

Oh yeah- the part about watching the rapes for "training purposes" over and over again: loved it. There's something sinister or sick about this and how he obsesses over Dianne. I can't quite think of what it is, but it disturbed me.

Last edited by K-P : 02-06-2006 at 08:54 AM.
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Old 02-06-2006, 11:25 AM   #7
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This short peice really made my day.
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