2wo Shots

I could never tell any of my customers to ‘Have a nice day.’ Burger King wanted me to say it, but I had heard the phrase at so many restaurants and businesses that it just seemed so impersonal and cliched. I also hated every customer who ordered from me. Each one of them was completely retarded. Some people woujld ask for a Big Mac, a sandwich from our rival burger chain, and then laugh because they thought their joke was original. I would always stand there with a frown on my face and ask them if they meant to ask for a Whopper.

I never thought anyone could top the common ‘Big Mac’ joke for ways to piss me off, but one man did. It was a Monday afternoon, a slow day. I was on the front register because I was too slow and uncooperative to work in the drive-thru. It was the type of slow day where the single food-maker, a tall stupid-looking kid in a stained black apron, would walk to the counter, survey the area for customers, and then say something stupid like, “This is pretty boring.”

A man walked into our store. The kitchen moron ran back to his kitchen, ready to make the guy’s order. The man was very clean. He wore a very dark blue suit with a striking red tie. His cheeks poked out from his ears just as his gut poked out from his chest. He had slicked his hair back with some sort of grease. I had a feeling that he had some important place to go to or something. “Can I help you?” I asked him with my usual, unenthusiastic tone.

“Twelve double cheeseburgers!” the man shouted, slamming his visa card down on the counter. I put the food into the register and said into the microphone, “Twelve double cheese.”

I could hear the kitchen moron yell, “What?” followed by, “There’s gonna be a wait on that.”

I ran his visa through, which takes a lot longer than making change for whatever dollar amount he could have given me, and prepared to bag up his food. It was only after I had gotten to the bagging station that he said, “I’d like a small chocolate shake, too.”

I rang that order up. He used his visa again, which annoyed greater the second time around. Surely this guy had a dollar bill on him. I went to get his shake. He had annoyed me, so I decided to ruin the shake. I put chocolate at the bottom, just enough so that he wouldn’t finish it before he left. After that, I put strawberry. I topped it with another thin layer of chocolate, so that he would think it was all chocolate. Before I could put the lid on, he leaned over the counter and said, “Nevermind, I want vanilla.”

Now I was angry. He had not changed his order once, but twice. I was pretty mad. I took two steps toward him, pretended to slip, and then splashed the shake all over him. I made him look like an angry snowman splashed with pastelled blood and shit. “Do you know what you’ve done?” the man shouted, taking off his suit’s coat and flapping it powerfully in the air. His action sent small particles of cold bliss flying everywhere.

At the same time, I could hear the kitchen moron shout, “Foods up!”

The man was still rambling, so I turned my back to him and started putting his double cheeseburgers in a large, brown sack. “I have a meeting in twenty minutes!” he complained.

I filled the sack and calmly sat his food on the counter in front of him. His face was distorted in rage and shake mix. For the first time in my year on the job at Burger King, I smiled wide and started laughing. I clutched my gut and laughed at the man. I let out snorts and deep breaths as I chuckled so extremely. The man grabbed his bag and started screaming in some language that seemed foreign at the time. I stopped laughing. Once his yelling ended, I smiled once more and said, “Have a nice day, sir.”

That was the last day I worked there.

indulge in me

That was pretty funny. It reminded me of the burger boy scene from the movie Falling Down. Only it was the business man who went nuts instead of the cashier. Anyway, I would change the sentence after the description of the man. You had a feeling he had somewhere important to go. The reader got that without just coming out and saying it. Other than that, it made me smile!

Lexi

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we were parked out by the tracks
we were sittin' in the back
and we'd just started gettin' busy
when she whispered
"what was that?"
the wind. I think.
cause no one else knows where we are.
and that was when she started screamin
that's my dad outside the car!

--nickleback

Nolan

Very cool. I know all too well what those days are like...

character1_Caitlin

As a former service worker, I thought it was funny. You can clean it up , there is a typo - woujld . Personally, I do not like the term "retarded" to be used to describe someone. Its disrepectful to people who are mentally challenged.
What I hated where I worked- a gas station. People talking on cell phones while paying for their gas. Like I was invisible to them. Then complain that I shortchanged them.
Try another word for "stupid" also. I saw 2 uses close together to describe someone.
Good work. I'm sure your safe but if you wanted to anything with this off here, you may have to change the name and trademarked terms -- allude to them with other terms to convey which ones they really are.

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cacafire

Very good. I liked it, but I thought it was going to be some different profound ending or something like that. I don't like those kinds of endings, so I was relieved when it ended the way it did. You have the comedic spark 2wo, don't ever lose that.

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Hodge

It's too deliberate. It feels like you're telling me how awesome and funny the story is supposed to be without actually making it funny. I also can't sympathise with your narrator because he's an ass over petty things like credit card swipes and deciding to order something else. He has nothing else to do, so I don't see why time is an issue.

It also just wasn't funny that he threw the milkshake on the businessman. Slapstick doesn't translate well into words.

Your language is also too obtuse. You're calling things names left and right for no good reason... I'm sorry, but this just didn't strike me as funny at all. Put some wit into your humor.

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Science

character1_Caitlin

You said it best.
He has a good base to work with though. It is what I would say to much inside jokes and humour. I thought it was funny because I had sorta been there myself at one time. Someone completely unknown to the traumas of Cashiers and Clerks is left on the outside with this piece.

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semtecks

Another former, but hopefully not future, service worker here. This story sounds true enough to me, esp the way the guy shouted his order instead of just saying it. But I would try to find another way for the narrator to get back at the man other than throwing the shake.

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