Dumb (another dwarf) - Writers Forum

mjk · 01-13-2006, 12:54 AM

Dumb
It shocked us all the way she entered a room, so unapologetic for her practiced swagger, snapping hearts with just a wiggle of her hips. She wore the kind of clothes that shouldn’t even be called clothes; they clung to her curves like a vise, somehow displaying more than her nude form would. We could only gawk, stare and drool over her, watching as words fell out of her mouth and diamonds highlighted her eyes. Rivulets of thought spewed forth from her vocal chords, yet all meaning was lost in translation. She would have been prettier if she didn’t speak.

MariusBonaparte · 01-13-2006, 03:07 AM

That is awesome. Nicely done.

Sigg · 01-13-2006, 06:41 AM

Hah, I like the "Rivulets of thought spewed forth" cus right when i read it i was thinking, wow that's really unattractive and was about to tell you that it ruins the drop dead gorgeous image you were making. Then I finished reading it, lol, good job.

mjk · 01-13-2006, 12:43 PM

marius: you're lovely. thanks for reading.

sigg: i've got your kind all mapped out.

thanks for reading and enjoying.

character1_Caitlin · 01-14-2006, 08:23 PM

Another , Bravo.

It makes me think of some actors , male or female on a talkshow promoting a film. They are so boring as themselves. They open up and speak their own words and the bubble is burst.

(me hopes she is not a blonde )

mjk · 01-14-2006, 08:48 PM

caitlin- thank you for reading and even more so for posting your thoughts. isn't it funny how often a person can ruin a moment by speaking? or perhaps it is because by speaking their own words, our illusions of them are shattered? we are no longer free to imagine them as we would like them to be, and became angry because they do not live up to our expectations. in other words, "how dare he/she actually have their own dull personality? why are they not entertaining me endlessly?" it is a crime we are all more or less guilty of, yet it seems we can never learn our lesson. you have touched on an excellent point i didn't even consider after writing this. thank you.

perhaps others would be willing to share their thoughts...???

semtecks · 01-15-2006, 09:23 AM

Nice, It makes me think of that bit in the beginning of Farenheit 911 where Britney Spears is chewing gum and explaining her "political philosophy"

gohn67 · 01-15-2006, 12:01 PM

Harsh. They get too much flack in my opinion.

gigi · 01-15-2006, 03:05 PM

M.J.K.
* * *

I'm not seeing these dwarves as needing to be separated. I think you should put your character sketches into one whole, instead of having them loose. It is reading like a draft right now. Otherwise, if you are seeing this as the written accompaniment for an illustration plate in a book, I'd suggest placing it in 'Poetry' since there isn't a section for 'Prose' (I think, right?).

Fun stuff, though.

Good character development.

gigi

strangedaze · 01-15-2006, 03:35 PM

Though fairly well-written, your sketches of the vertically challenged don't excite me like they seem to excite others. GeeGee might be right; linking the pieces by putting them in a single 'work' could create a more thought-provoking experience for your reader. I think I can picture your character, but until she's put to work in some kind of meaningful way, she'll just remain a cardboard cut-out.

mjk · 01-15-2006, 06:37 PM

thanks to you all for coming to read and posting your thoughts. it is much appreciated.

i wrote these for fun, something to write since i was blocked on other works and they are not intended to be anything more than they are. i wanted to take a snapshot of life with these, not develop them into characters or write a full piece. the three dwarves are unrelated, there is no common character in them, so grouping them together seemed somewhat inappropriate to me. i thank you for your suggestions; i intend to look them over later and see if something might come of them.

i apologize to any who saw these as misplaced in the short story forum. if i do post another, i will put it in file 13, which seems more suited to them.

gohn67 · 01-15-2006, 07:19 PM

I think the short story forum fits for these dwarves, even poetry. It's interesting to me because I've never heard of this form before.

Feel free to post them in here.

semtecks · 01-15-2006, 07:22 PM

I don't really see the problem. They're just flash with a different name. Unless we have a seperate forum for them -- which I suggested the other day -- this is the best place for them (although maybe not three posts in a row next time).

gigi · 01-16-2006, 01:25 PM

oh for heaven's sake. i am suggesting that the piece isn't appropriate for the forum because they aren't developed enough individually. i suggested something else. i don't see why this is becoming an issue at all. it's a suggestion; take it or leave it. no need for apologies, since i'm not offended. no need to be so sensitive or defensive - of course you wrote them for fun (i hope so anyway) so just roll with the punches. it really is no big deal.

semteks: i don't really see the problem, either...

gigi

(ps: i wanted to let you know that the accent in 'Anais' is over the 'i', not the 'a'.)

cacafire · 01-16-2006, 02:40 PM

StrangeDaze, you always have something critically advantageous to say. keep up the good work.

Actually, I understand the work, but throughout the entire thing, I was asking myself, "Why do I care?" If this was the intro to a novel, I would've stopped reading after the first two sentences. But that's just me.
so...cheese?