A. I. Rathe

More of a description rather than an actual story. Oh well, I'm mainly practicing imagery with this.

A light mist floated gently through the air above the swamplands. Small fish stirred the green water of the swamps, but lightly, making small circular waves that spread out and vanished with each movement of their fins. A single leaf fell from a tree and landed on the water, slowly sinking into the foggy green void that was the swamp. A crocodile stirred, crawling back into the water and disappearing into the green thickness. A bird chirped a sad lament, as its fallen mate lay on the ground below the tree. It lay there, stirring not a single feather.

The sun rose to cleanse the swamp of its shadows. Spiders’ webs gleamed in the coming light, pronouncing their majesty to the surrounding world. A small bug flew into a web, sticking to it. By struggling, it only wrapped itself deeper into trouble. The spider scurried down the web from a nearby branch to meet its food. Another leaf from a tree fell, disrupting the spider by landing and sticking to the web right next to its prey. Angrily, the spider ripped the leaf from its web, and it fell quickly, with little air resistance, to the swamp below.

Miles from the swamplands there hid a small clean spring in a hole in the earth. This spring was natural, and its clean waters pure. A small rabbit hopped up to the spring, sniffed the water cautiously, and then took a small lick. Enjoying the pure taste of the spring, the rabbit continued to drink from it. As the sun rose, a shadow fell over the rabbit, scaring the creature away from the spring. It hopped through the thick weeds back to its home.

The shadow, covering the entire spring, came from a behemoth that towered over the flat plains in which the spring was set. This colossus was the guardian of the spring, though it did not move. It was not alive. It sat still among the grass and rocks of the plains. If its eyes would work, then it would be able to see for miles across the valley and to the mountains the guided the sun as it set.

This colossus was reminiscent of a giant skeleton, one of an apelike creature; though it was not organic. It never was. The moss-covered bones held together, holding the frame of it. Some fragments of its outer shell remained in place; fragments of the metallic shell that once covered the entire skeleton.

The behemoth is not the only one occupying the area. It is but one of hundreds of skeletons of things that once moved but were never alive: giant automatons in disrepair. They lay in what ever position they landed in, for they were dropped from above.

The day passed, the shadows of the automatons circled, and the sun set in the mountains to the west. As the day disappeared, the moon materialized in the night sky among the thousands of stars.

Deep in the valley laid the ruins of a once-powerful civilization, displayed to the whole valley and surrounding lands by the moonlight. Where towering structures once stood proudly, there now lay ruins among the weeds.
The moon, held up by a force unknown to the animals of this world, shone brilliantly in the night sky. Along its gleaming white surface were magnificent cities, built by the guardians of the spring.

defenestrator

I love your descriptions, they evoke such wonderful images in my mind. This is a great piece you've created.

__________________
We fear darkness and, to survive, chase it away with flames.
--Rei Ayanami

A. I. Rathe

Thank you. Powerful images were my aim with this small piece.

strangedaze

speaking personally, as a reader i tend to skip excessive description, *especially* in exposition. i once read a book called the pocket muse, a sort of handbook to writing inspiration and aesthetics. the author describes something called a bathtub story, in which the character sits in a bathtub and contemplates suicide while floating in the water, but never acts. such a story has no action, nothing to draw the reader in. this piece, though written with a fine tune to detail, was written from that same bathtub.

i understand the implications of these guardians, but im not moved because there is nothing im able to identify with. nothing transpires to make me care one way or the other.

as D pointed out, you have a knack for presenting polished descriptions, but these alone can't carry the piece. there's not conflict, only a snapshot.

just my thoughts.

__________________
His sins were scarlet, but his books were read.

cacafire

I shiver at the thought of what strange world could be here. Perhaps in another galaxy? It seems to me to be like an ethereal reality, something far beyond what could be found on the planet. :shiver:

I don't know if that was your intent, but that's the message I draw from. Sadly, I don't get the images of the collosus's. What are they? Who created them? I just don't get it, But I shiver at the prospects.

The images are powerful, and I liked them. But I agree with daze when he says conflict is needed. This would work in school, but never a novel.

__________________
Critique my pieces, and I'll gladly return the favor: Mita of the sky: II, Gloving_Country, Shared Qualms(check this one out!), Gloving country-II, , Capoeira, Father and Son, Silence Come, The Lad I Knew