The Unlikely Husband - Writers Forum

SeattleGhostWriter · 01-11-2006, 09:57 PM

The Unlikely Husband -

by Timothy R. Berman

She was flat out frustrated. Her company had lost one of their major clients and the whole day was spent on the phone, filtering out emails after emails, and overseeing the insermountable damage control. The company had lost most of their profits.

When she made it up the steps to the house, she cursed beneath her breath when she dropped her keys. The door seemed to be another obstacle to an already bad day. Stepping inside the comfort of the home, she tossed her purse and handbag forcefully into the chair. She was a strong woman. Strong willed, her mother had always told her. Making quick, powerful strides into the bedroom, she flung herself onto the bed. All she wanted to do was cry.

"Honey?" His voice was soft and she could hear the natural low-tone growl in his voice. She didn't look up from the pillow she had planted her face in as he approached the bed and sat next to her. His touch was gentle when he caressed her neck gently. His fingers felt warm as his flesh barely touched her skin. He only sat there in silence for a moment, then she looked and found herself alone.

Sitting up on the bed, she wiped the tears from her eyes and walked across the room to the adjoining bathroom. Turning the faucet of the tub on, she dropped a couple pearl jasmine scented bath gems into the water.

With a full tub, she slid her denuded body into the hot water and closed her eyes. The stress and tension in her body soon fled her as she pictured a man kneeling before her.

He wore tattered clothing as she was sitting on a wooden stool. The room she found herself in wasn't as nice as her comfortable house. He was washing her feet. She watched him kneel before her, washing her feet. There was a warmthness to the place that she could never experience. She felt compassion and love for this man. He meticulously cleaned her feet and then stood and began performing household chores.

"Rest my dear" he said with a smile, "you had a rough day." He was cooking up some food and the flavors tantalized her nostrils as she sniffed the air. She felt she knew this man. All her life, she felt she knew this man.

When she awoke from her vision, the phone was ringing.

"What!" She answered, frustrated because she felt something she never felt before.

"It's me Janice." Her friends voice was on the other end of the line, a bit taken aback.

"Hey Julie." Janice spoke, relax and splashed some water over her body.

"We're all heading out to Gilaens bar." Julie said with too much pomp and giddiness. Even for a lady of her age, Janice felt it was still a bit too much high schoolish, but some of the guys seemed to like it.

"I'll meet you there." She said hesitantly. With that, Julie hung up and Janice slid further under the comfort of the bathwater. She never returned to the man she had had a vision of.

********

She found herself pulling into the parking lot of Gilaens bar. Stepping out from the vehicle, she closed the driver's side door and started walking. Julie was already heading across the parking lot, slipping a couple times on the wet pavement. Janice just shook her head when her friend reached her. The two women hugged and then walked across the street.

Upon reached the sidewalk that led up to the main entrance of Gilaens, Janice saw a man approach. His head held high, but a distant look seemed to have scultpted on his face. His hands stuffed deep into his jean's pockets. When he walked past her, Janice recognized him. He was the man who she envisioned washing her feet earlier that evening when she was bathing.

"Excuse me." She called out politely. Julie was motioning for Janice to come back in line.

"Yeah." He said. She recognized that low-toned guttural growl.

"You wanna go for some coffee?" She asked, smiling. Her heart screamed out to her as she curled her arm around his.

"Uh, I guess." He shrugged, not sure what to make of the strange casualness. The two walked to an all night coffee shop where they talked. Janice felt she belonged, she felt this person to be an unlikely husband she had envisioned and was entranced by him.

semtecks · 01-12-2006, 02:44 PM

The prose was relaxed and it had a nice leisurely pace to it, but I was kind of hoping for more with the ending though -- don't get me wrong, the ending was okay, it's a happy one that ties the problem of Janice's lonelyness well. But when Janice feels her "husband" giving her a massage, and then looks around to find herself alone, that was quite a hook and I was really looking forward to seeing where you were going.

I won't bother with the few gramaticals I saw, there aren't too many and I'm sure you'll spot them on a quick read through.

PamHKyle · 01-12-2006, 03:31 PM

Nice piece, Seattle!
Totally agree with Semtecks, I got hooked at the same point. And indeed, the ending seems to miss something. I'd suggest either cutting it off after "Uh, I guess." He shrugged. to make it a real open ending, or else adding a small paragraph...
Like it a lot anyway.

Kat · 01-12-2006, 04:21 PM

Nice, very sweet and romantic. I thought that it ended too soon though.

SeattleGhostWriter · 01-12-2006, 08:42 PM

Thank you guys. I just wrote this out real quick like.

I will work on more and see about expanding the ending. I feel it kind of ended a bit awkwardly.

eggo · 01-12-2006, 09:13 PM

I liked the free easy style of writing in this piece. You have a very good flowing style here. The meandering prose of this story left me a little cold although. Her lonliness never seems pervasive enough to overcome her qualms about being forward. For all we know she goes out and grabs a new guy every weekend. Perhaps looking for someone to rub her feet. I would make her angst over being forward more taught, make it a shell she likes to live in.

one note in crit,

Quote:

day." He was cooking up some food and the flavors tantalized her nostrils as she

reads funny

thanks for the read

SeattleGhostWriter · 01-12-2006, 10:29 PM

Thank you eggo...I am working some serious overtime, so I haven't treated myself to actually do any serious creative writing. This peice was just a practice peice to just put out some thought and what I was visualizing in my mind.

CandieK · 01-14-2006, 02:11 PM

Hey,

I enjoyed this story. Flowed nicely and kept me interested.

I agree with PamHKyle, I think stopping it at his response would be the perfect ending. I love stories that leave room for speculation and your own conclusions.

~CK

SeattleGhostWriter · 01-14-2006, 08:53 PM

CandieK -

Thank you, I will work more on this and see what will come of it. It is a little quip. I appreciate the positive feedback on this.