Originally Posted by kalibantre

I say I'm what's right with society. I'm raw human nature. (love that line.) I'm natural. Pure.

See, my "problem" is that I like to kill things. (completely unexpected. i feel like i got hit over the head right now.) Ever since I was little, I loved it. It brings this rush to me, and makes me feel powerful. I remember, (sure you want the comma there?) the first time.

Anyway, (hmm, not so sure about that "anyway") I had finally succeeded in attracting one of the purest girls in school.

Her name was the purest of all, Mary. (eek! pure? meh...) Her body was slender, graceful...ripe to say the least.

She wanted to shake her innocence off in the worst way. (love the image of shaking off innocence)

"Do you want anything to drink?" I asked, not sure how to handle this little daddy's girl. (is there another way to say "daddy's little girl"? only because you use it again so soon after and i like her saying it.)

She just released to me all these (this) tension, words could never tell. I slid her white shirt over her head and undid her skirt. As her skirt (it?) fell to the ground, I observed what I had before me. Her beautiful, soft and willing face, those eyes, looking at me. Her breasts were perfect, held in by a white lacy bra. Her stomach, her hips and down to her legs were all wonderful, slender and perfect. (too many perfects.) I unsnapped her bra and took her thong underwear off as I sat her on the bed. I was looking at beauty that no else had seen before. This night was going to be great.

I laid her down and she watched as my clothes peeled off. I could tell she had never done this before as her eyes filled with fear and anxiety. I entered, and she was in pain. (no foreplay, hmm? well, i guess that does suit his character.)

It was all so perfect; the blood pouring out, her shrieking and the idea that I am fucking her. (this is a great sentence, but i had to read it a couple of times, so it's a bit awkward. rephrase?) I am taking life in the act meant to create it. I felt almost like God. I came right there (feeling like god, who wouldn't come at that point? nice.) and by then she was trying to get up and escape.

Man, I love this stuff. (what a sick f***.)

"Why you insolent bastard!!!" She started yelling as she pounded on the door.
(why the break?)
"That's the last time I take this shit off of you. I am going straight to my house, and I am calling the police. I'll be damned if I put up with this shit." She began walking across the lawn. (there's a lot of "shit"s in this paragraph) Oh shit, I thought. What was I gonna do? I panicked. There was no way I could clean up in time, and the police were surely going to ask to be let in. Fuck, fuck, fuck!! My mind was racing and I did the best thing I could think of.
(purpose to the repeated line?)
I did the best thing I could think of.

I went to the bathroom and kissed Mary’s lifeless lips. (oddly touching.) I grabbed another knife from the kitchen and took off down the street. As I got to the end of the block, I saw the police pull to my house. So (some?) neighbour pointed me out to them, and I took off again.

I intend to remain a mystery to Him. Locked up in this room, I can't escape....but I'll still kill again some day.

Originally Posted by kalibantre

I left in a few things, cause well i made them and i love them. haha.

I thought Mary was a cliche, but I don't care. I think you meant sick fuck as a compliment, and the foreplay? I think he was horny just thinking about knifing her.. as for her? why would he give a ****?