Mum's Funeral - Writers Forum

semtecks · 01-11-2006, 09:57 AM

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This is the first chapter of a novel I'm writing. It's pretty different from my usual stuff, but I'm enjoying it so far. If you read this will you please tell me what you thought, did it flow for you, did you like the charactors, would you read more -- that sort of thing. Thanks.

Chapter one

My Mother's funeral

By the time Duke and me came back from mum's funeral, there was an eviction notice on the door.

"Wanna go inside," Duke said. "Wanna go inside, wanna go inside."

"Quiet, Duke." I looked at the yellow coloured paper stapled to the frame of the door. Eviction due to non-payment. "Shit, what are we supposed to do know?"

"Shit." Duke laughed. "Naughty word, naughty word. Shit shit shit."

I thought about telling duke not to swear, but what would be the point. I rested against the door and slowly sank to the floor until my knees were up past my shoulders (mum always used to say I had long legs for a boy, though I'm much older than a boy; twenty now).

"Wanna go inside," Duke moaned. "Wanna go inside."

I imagined the life ahead of me -- myself on the streets getting dirty looks from strangers as I asked for spare change; Duke in a home, kept medicated so that he wouldn't be a bother, parked in front of a TV all day with no love and no family.

"Want to go inside!" Duke shouted. "Want to see the mother!" Duke tried the door handle, his face furrowing slightly when the door didn't open. "In! In!"

Somewhere in the deep warren of passageways a door slammed, echoing. Hurried footsteps could be heard from below, and then pounding the stairs. I heard the landlord's deep wheeze before I saw his face. He came up the stairs, looked at me like I was a piece of shit and then grinned at Duke.

"Huh, I was wondering who was making all that noise."

I got to my feet. "How can you do this? And on my mother's funeral too. We've been here for years."

The fat landlord laughed to himself, wheezing slightly. "Let me tell you something, boy. I did this on your mother's funeral because she was the rent-payer -- and I use that term loosely. I'm willing to bet you're more of a moocher than your mother ever was." He took a mint from his pocket and crunched it loudly between his teeth, the sound was like breaking glass. "I'm a businessman, not a charity worker."

"At least give us back out stuff."

He laughed even louder. "That's my stuff now, boy. Compensation for what your mother owed me -- if you don't like it," he added when he saw the look on my face, "then I suggest you get yourself a lawyer. But I must warn you, they're pretty expensive." He chuckled to himself and popped another mint in his mouth before descending the stairs.

"Bad man," Duke warned. "Bad, bad, baaad man."

I looked into Duke's pale, moon face. His mouth was open and his eyes slightly glazed.

"Well, Duke. We've got no home, no-one to help, and about three quid between us. What the hell are we going to do?"

"Wanna ice cream," Duke said.

"I can't spare the money."

"Wanna ice cream. Wanna ice cream."

***

Five minutes later, me and Duke were sitting in the ice cream parlour across the street. It was two o'clock on a Monday and mostly empty, but the few people sitting in booths shaped like fifties American Cadillac’s, turned to see the two of us enter. I can't blame them, we must have looked strange walking in to an ice cream parlour wearing black funeral suits.

"What can I get you?" the man in the paper hat behind the counter asked.

"Just a small vanilla," I said.

"Wanna chocolate swirl with a cherry. Wanna chocolate swirl with a cherry."

"We can't waste money, Duke."

"Chocolate swirl with a cherry. Chocolate swirl with a cherry. Chocolate swirl with a cherry."

I turned to the man in the paper hat, who was watching the little scene with a smile on his lips. "How much is a chocolate swirl with a cherry?"

"One fifty."

I reached into my pocket and took out two pound coins and two fifty pence pieces. What the hell, after buying Duke's I wouldn't have enough for a tube ticket to Victoria let alone anything else in London. "Give us two," I said, handing over the money.

Duke apparently liked the booths shaped like Cadillac’s. He licked greedily at his ice cream, making vroom vroom noises way back in his throat.

"Well, it's been nice knowing you, Duke." I stirred my ice cream with the little plastic spoon. "I wish I could be like you, not care about anything -- well, not know about anything. But, unfortunately, I can tell that we're fucked and I don't like it."

"Why can we go home?"

"'Cause we've been evicted."

"The mother can pay rent," Duke said, cheerfully enough.

"No, Duke, she's ...." The word dead danced on my lips, but it seemed such a harsh word to inflict on someone like Duke. "She's gone to heaven."

"With the angels?" Duke shovelled ice cream into his mouth -- I thought about telling him to slow down before he got brain freeze, but Duke never got brain freeze, or headaches.

"Wanna go Aunt Susie's."

"Who?"

"Aunt Susie sends birthday card with money every year, every year. Last year, card had a picture of a choo-choo."

Shit! Why had I not thought about that before? Aunt Susie was effectively the only family we had in the whole country, and she'd always been there for mum when she needed something. Ever since dad had died.

"Where does she live though?" I said, thinking out loud. "We've got her old postcards, but they're inside the flat, and we can't get in there."

Duke said: "Susan Murphy, twenty eight Skydale Road, Inverness, Iv2 3lu, Scotland."

I wondered how the hell he knew that, but I shrugged it off. Knew a lot of stuff he shouldn't, our Duke. For a time mum thought that he had that type of autism where you can break down huge prime numbers, and remember every number in the phone book. But Duke isn't autistic; Duke is retarded with a tested IQ of something like 45.

"If we can get there," I said. "If we can get there, we may just have a chance."

Duke nodded as if he understood. He scraped the last chocolate juice from his cup and looked inquiringly at my half eaten ice cream. I pushed it toward him and he plunged his spoon into it.

Yes, things were looking up. We would get to aunt Susie's, somehow, and she would take us in. And this time I was going to get a job and work hard to make sure I always had something to fall back on, because one thing I'd learned from all this was that you're never very far from being out on the street. I thought about giving Aunt Suzie a ring, maybe Duke remembered the number or I could call 118118. But I decided not to -- it was easy to say no to someone on the phone, much harder to resist two doe eyed family members on your footstep.

"Well, Duke, ready to travel, like, one-hundred and forty miles without any money?"

Duke looked up at me and smiled a shit-eating grin.

The Thing · 01-11-2006, 10:41 AM

I read the first line and thought 'what shit luck'. So far this is quite a touching tale. I like it. It flowed really well and the depressing Type O Negative songs I'm listening to added to the sad feeling I've got jammed in my throat.

Duke seems like a nice kid. You portrayed him well. The main character too seems kinda cool and the landlord is a unsympathestic bastard.

I would read more if you post it. It's got me hooked.

semtecks · 01-11-2006, 10:47 AM

Thanks for Reading, Thing.

I'm only three chapters in at the mo, but's the writing is fun. And don't worry the sad stuff just sort of balances out with a litle humour thrown in

gohn67 · 01-11-2006, 01:23 PM

Hey Semtecks,

PLOT-
Seems like the plot so far is that his mother died and he is evicted from his house. His mother seemed at least how the landlord portrayed her as someone who was kind of poor and struggled to pay rent sometimes. And for some reason it seemed like the landlord hinted that she gave him sexual favors in exchange for rent.

Now the protag and the narrator have to find a place to live. The other conflict seems to be between his brother, Duke, and having to take care of him.

CHARACTERS

Duke seems kind of mentally disabled. Autistic maybe. He did say their aunt's address like he had a photographic memory or something. But then you mention that he is just retarded. I think making him Autistic would be kind of cliche. I immediately thought Rain Man and Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime.

The narrator seems like a caring brother. He bought him the ice cream and didn't abandon his brother. It seems like the brother gets on his nerves though, but somehow he puts up with it.

The landord. He is heartless and greedy. Typical landlord character. His character is kind of repulsive. I don't think he is going to be a main character though. Seems like a side character to me.

STYLE
Lot of dialogue. Short paragraphs. Very simple sentence structure for the most part. A lot of immediate scenes. Not much introspection except near the end. And the part where you used some introspection that was also the longest paragraph. So it seems when you want immediate you use short paragraphs, making it quicker.

-----
So far it seems interesting. I'd read more. I'm interested in finding out what happens next.

Chris Miller · 01-11-2006, 01:49 PM

Hey semtecks,

This is a bit different for you: smoother and softer. Not that I think you’ll keep it that way.

I thought it flowed pretty well. The landlord was sort of the quintessential prick, almost a plot device more than a character. The retarded kid (whose dialogue was starting to get on my nerves a little) could use more depth and background as could the narrator’s, and their relationship.

There are a number of grammatical errors and such, but I don't think these concern you at this stage.

You raise an instant crisis/conflict, but one which by the end of your chapter seems well on its way to resolution, and therefore kind of squelches interest. Yeah, I know more shit will get piled on his plate, but that is because I know you, not from what I read.

These days, for a novel to draw me in, it has to entertain me AND teach/show me something, the more the better. But that is just me. I think this one has entertainment/escape value. And it’s as good as a lot of novels I pick up. But nowadays I tend not to finish many of them.

The pace is kind of quick and under fleshed to my mind for a novel. I’d say a little research into tenancy law, mentally challenged conditions (i.e. terminologies and statistics and diagnostics, etc.) and some more detailed/idiosyncratic/specific character development/background (along with associated learnables) might be in order, and worthwhile given a fine starting idea.

I also really have no clue what it’s about yet. I think a little foreshadowing of some sort might be in order.

Do you have any kind of plot outline written or in mind? Or are you just going to see where this goes along with the rest of us?

Chris

Indigo · 01-11-2006, 01:50 PM

Very touching piece, nicely written, you have talent.

Wyndstar · 01-11-2006, 02:27 PM

Okay, so far, this has gone the route of a melodrama, which is different for you. A question though...if Duke is mentally challenged (and this is regardless of whether he's over the age of consent) where is child services? If this condition manifested in school, and his mother and brother were in such dire straights that the boys were evicted upon her death, how did she continue custody, since it seems obvious that she had no means in which to see to his considerable needs. If the landlord was so callous, and she wasn't keeping up with the rent, why didn't he call them? He seems the type.

Of course, this could be happening somewhere other than the united states, so this might all be a moot point.

I do like the softer style here. I'd like to see you follow through with it, because it works well with the story's route so far.

doktorcrash · 01-11-2006, 02:58 PM

Very short for a chapter I think. you cut off just as I was taking the hook...
The characters are good. Looking forward to their further adventure.

semtecks · 01-11-2006, 03:51 PM

Thanks for the comments, guys.

Gohn,

Thanks for the synopsis. Yeah, Duke's not autistic, he's moderately retarded. More like Lennie from Mice and men than Rainman -- when I started writing this early this morning when the idea came, I thought: how about a cross between Mice and Men, Huck Finn, Catcher in the Rye, Carrie, and a Charles Dickens story.

Chris,

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The retarded kid (whose dialogue was starting to get on my nerves a little) could use more depth and background as could the narrator’s, and their relationship.

yes, well I'm only on the first chapter, which is little more than a prologue, an introduction even.

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You raise an instant crisis/conflict, but one which by the end of your chapter seems well on its way to resolution,

I wouldn't say we're close to the resolution, it's a long, long way from London to Scotland -- nowhere as long as, say New York to L.A., but still long. Throw in the fact that you have no money, a retarded brother to drag along, an antagonist who's yet to make an appearence, a huge problem karl will have when he finds out something nasty about his brother, and added side stories, we're still nowhere close.

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Do you have any kind of plot outline written or in mind? Or are you just going to see where this goes along with the rest of us?

I never write an outline down on paper, that's never, ever worked for me. I usually have a mental checklist -- the events that signifies the beginning, first quarter, middle, third quarter, and end -- but if the plot takes a different route i'd be happier, because if I know where it's going for each word I write It'll be like watching a movie I already know th ending to.

Indigo,

Thanks for reading, indy!

Wyndstar,

Melodrama! Not for long, I'll inject some anarchy at some point, trust me. lol.

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A question though...if Duke is mentally challenged (and this is regardless of whether he's over the age of consent) where is child services? If this condition manifested in school, and his mother and brother were in such dire straights that the boys were evicted upon her death, how did she continue custody, since it seems obvious that she had no means in which to see to his considerable needs.

duke is actually twenty two, and although i guess his mother was recieving some benefits maybe, but, inner city, nobody who cares enough to give them a call, they overlook people all the time. There's been a couple of cases over here where children have been mistreated to the point of death, and a couple of times all the way.

I see your point though. But a lot of private landlors will simply slap an eviction notice on the door and keep you stuff. Not long ago, i was viewing flats, and as I walked into one the guying showing it to me was picking up things left behind for himself -- he even got a DVD player and a playstation 2.

But you've given me an idea, the landlord can say that he's given them (social sevices) a call to Karl before he leaves.

dk,

thanks for reading.

cecilia · 01-11-2006, 04:31 PM

hey semtecks, ireally liked that story, youve left the characters in quite a pickle! It was sentimetnal and desparing but Icant help but think some amazing and even funny things may well ahppen..who knows, Im hooked. The description of Duke in a home was horrible, think it would hit a few nerves. Excellent writing!

luv cecilia xx

ps the thing your picture is horrible! LOL!

semtecks · 01-11-2006, 04:47 PM

Thanks for reading, cecillia, I'm really glad you liked it.

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ps the thing your picture is horrible! LOL!

What? you don't like my helmet? *grins*