Best Left Silent (Restricted Rating) - Writers Forum

liquid society · 01-08-2006, 07:27 PM

Hmm (I think it's better left at that...) I like but don't - so hard to explain, I think you pined the tail in the preface.

kalibantre · 01-08-2006, 07:29 PM

What they said..

happychristy · 01-08-2006, 08:56 PM

I'm afraid I don't understand it... I got lost between paragraphs, but I may just be worn out from reading for the past few hours

Could you please explain? (maybe in PM, or in white, if others don't want to know)
Thanks!

Chris Miller · 01-09-2006, 12:53 PM

Well written. Nice character study. But the voice is not that of a 16 year old girl, not to my ear. Too erudite and articulate and subdued, masculine even, though harder to say why, too detached maybe, too unemotive (which is good in writing generally).

Anyway, there is a lot here, and I found it interesting for its banal detail. I think your waiver at the top weakens it. I'd say just delete it and trust in your readers.

backgroundbob · 01-10-2006, 01:51 PM

Well, I'll try and explain a little what it's about. It is, in it's most basic form, a kind of day-long diary entry by a sixteen year-old girl who's being sexually abused by her father.
Basically, she's refusing to admit to herself what's happening; just blocking it out, like a lot of trauma victims do. Pretty much everything in here is a metaphor of some kind, designed to prod you to that conclusion. It's a very detached piece because she is being very detached; taking the role of an observer, because she can't deal with it in relation to herself.

OK

does that make it easier to follow? Do some things that didn't make sense seem clear now? Some people I show this to get it, and some don't; maybe I need a way of making it more obvious for people who don't, without spoiling it early for people who do?

Chris Miller · 01-10-2006, 02:28 PM

I can see what you meant now. But I can't say it's clear.

Quote:

I used to be afraid of the dark, like most children, but I had a father who would stay beside me for a while, until I discovered how misplaced my fear had been.

Although this could be seen two ways, the tone is positive. The father sounds like a good father.

I'm not sure how being less obfuscating and a bit more detailed will "spoil" anything.

backgroundbob · 01-10-2006, 02:39 PM

The next line is the more revealing one

JustifiedResponse · 01-10-2006, 05:21 PM

I have made this point several times, but will say it again. If one is required to give a preface that explains the story then they are doing two things: not writing very well, and ruining the story for the reader.

I can't even read your story now because I am thinking about what you said and I can't completely enjoy it. I don't think that I would ever be able to completely enjoy it now, and then you went and ruined it by explaining it at the end. As an author, if you have to explain yourself, its time to go back and revise until you don't have to explain yourself. (Of course if the reader just can't comprehend that is a whole other problem, but don't explain it, make them work for it.)

Lastly, explanations before a story starts make the author appear arrogant. That is not a good thing if you want people to read your story.

happychristy · 01-10-2006, 06:35 PM

Oh ok! That makes sense. Thanks Bob

backgroundbob · 01-11-2006, 01:53 PM

If published, of course, it wouldn't contain a preface (or explanation). However, what I've discovered from giving it to people is slightly confusing; some people understand it properly without and pre- or post- story explanation, and some just don't get it at all, even after I push hints their way.

Which leads me, of course, to wonder whether I should make it more obvious, and risk people completely figuring it out too early, or leave it as it is, and risk some people not having a clue.

Any... in depth suggestions about how it could be changed?

happychristy · 01-11-2006, 06:43 PM

Well, I think a little more might need to be done to hint at it, since unfortunatly a lot of people might not be able to see it.

Maybe you could do a parallel story investigating the feelings of the father? Of course, he doesn't have to say it out right, but I imagine his mind would be a little wack as well if he was doing that sort of thing.

Maybe if you put the two stories together, it would take an interesting view of the "bad guy" and victum, as well as be easier to figure out.

kalibantre · 01-11-2006, 06:49 PM

I think I would have understood better without the preface.

I thought thats what you meant but then I thought I was meant to be finding something even deeper than that.