LoneWolf

Oooohh-kay. This last part was really hard for me as I didn't know how I should write it, so I just decided to write it like she was talking to him after everything had passed. *sigh* If anyone has any suggestions as to how I should write this, please tell me! Thank you! -Chelsea



I do feel some sort of remorse for what I have done. Alas, my remorse is very limited in your case, so I suppose it would be in the pitying category of remorse. You are not knowledgeable to the fact that I was there the entire time to witness the events that went about, your oh-so-violent death. Oh yes, it was quite a glorious adventure, if I may say so.

Why, Father was so worked about your goings-on that he immediately ran about the town reciting my story to the rest of the church and all of our family. Oh, how I loved the white hot spark of hate in their eyes! It was quite satisfying. And to hear that your wife would pay as well...oh, darling, it was then that I knew that I just had to tag along!

So the next cold, dark Saturday night, when you and your filthy wife were about to take upon slumber in your disease-infested marriage bed, perhaps, my father and the angry group of townspeople gathered their torches and knives, pitchforks and scythes, with the fire of anger and hatred burning in their hearts, and headed towards your house.

I believe you did not expect it, for when we burst through the door and upon your threshold, you and your harlot looked quite flustered, scared even.

"You filthy man! We should have sent you out of town ages ago!" My father screamed, spittle flying from his lips.

Why, the fact that you had moved from Virginia did not help the matter at all. I simply stood by and smirked as your wife looked at you, bewilderment upon her barbaric face. However, your dark hazel eyes were not trained upon your wife. You stared at my father with huge eyes, much like the eyes of a deer when it hears danger approaching.

"What is going on?" Your stupid wife asked, and still you did not look at her, nor did you answer. Thankfully my father answered for you.

"Why, you stupid woman, your hell-ridden husband seduced my daughter with soft words of love, and made my daughter endure the humiliation of seeing him with you in public!"

She stared at you with laughingly dull eyes, red hot emotions landing upon her face in rapd sequence. "You were unfaithful? With some young harlot?!"

Her head moved to one side abruptly as my father stepped forward and slapped her cheek with the palm of his hand. A loud smacking sound echoed throughout the house and I daresay, I almost laughed in the silence!

"Don't you dare!" He grasped her arm and forced her towards him. The mob closed in around you and grasped onto your arms with horrid strength. Oh darling, I would give anything to see that frightened look upon your face once more! It was truly, truly delightful.

Ah well, I was quite disappointed when Father insisted that we let your wife loose into the forest. I wanted very much for her to die as well, with possibly a gash to the throat, but Father said that she was indirectly linked to you, and the most we could do was banish her form the village.

Besides, she is quite likely to die in the vast wilderness.

You screamed and cried as we dragged you into Uncle James' field. It was like the sweetest song, the soft melodies and harmonies of Revenge. Yet, after a while it got very tiresome, all this yelling and begging, and I asked Uncle James to shut you up.

You went down quite hard after the punch, but you were quiet, at least. Then came your last moments of life. In the sweet, crisp night air the mob kicked your ribs to fragments. Your eyes were bloody, oozing holes, the result of knives and pitchforks. With little but a few broken teeth in your mouth your high screams rose into the air, but were covered by the shouting and grunts of the mob. I saw the sparkling metal of the knives pierce your body as if it were only soft, freshly churned butter, and blood flowed like a river. One man even went so far as to unfasten your pants and castrate you, slowly and with short chops, and I watched in painful awe as your longs screams cascaded into short, agonizing pleas to God.

Ha! God! Imagine that!

Slowly your screams faded away into blurry groans, and I watched through the moving bodies of the mob as your chest stopped rising. Father was the first to stop. His eyes spun with excitement and his clothes were drenched in your blood. He said nothing; he simply turned and began walking back to the village, staring up at the bright stars. One by one the men ceased and followed my father's exmaple, as if returning from a solemn funeral.

For several moments I stared at your body, which was quite indistinguishable. To my eyes it resembled a plie of fresh cow entrails. I took up a nearby stick and poked at your gruesome remains. I then threw it down, turned, and ran towards the reteating group.

It was very late, and I had church in the morning.

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My aim is to put down on paper what I see and what I feel in the best and simplest way. --Ernest Hemingway

Wyndstar

Your char reminds me of the girl in The Crucible. She was spiteful, vindictive and cruel, and you got that soooooo believably down--I'm very pleased.

The voice was good as a eulogy for the cheater--the girl is a sociopath so it works well.

I felt bad for the wife. She was as wronged a party as the girl. I think it would have been more realistic for them to have left the wife alone (they weren't enraged enough to beat her to a pulp, so they'd be clear thinking enough to realize that she was innocent). Then, the girl could have done her in herself--an accident out the window, given the circumstances.

The only real question I have is the connection between the cheater and the girl's father. You make one, there's a mention about Virginia, but then you leave it. I think that needs to be explored, and linked to the village's hatred for this guy that they'd beat him to death without a trial.

Oh, but the girl--scary. Delisciously scary...

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Old enough to know better, young enough to think I can still get away with it.

semtecks

I'd hate to cross you wolf. Cold, man, that was one cold story. I even found myself feeling a bit sorry, and then very sorry when someone castrates him!

This was written with style. Fantastic descriptions. And the Puritan/Victorian dialogue was authentic without being annoying. Your description of the mob attack sounded completely authentic too -- I'd hate to find out what you guys do for fun in Pensylvania.

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http://semtecks.bebo.com

LoneWolf

Hiya, Wyndy!
Ya, she does sound like the girl from The Crucible. I'm glad that the voice was okay, really worried about that. I like that idea about letting the wife go and then having the girl kill her herself...I might actually extend this and change it so that I can add in another death scene, since you know how I looove my death scenes. And about the Virginia reference, I meant this to be like a really Southern town who hates outsiders, but I see what you mean. I might just explore that as well and make it into more a conflict, like something happened to the father in VA or something like that. Thanks for the great suggestions, I'm glad you enjoyed it!

Hullo Sem,
Yes, yes, I can be a very scary person if you mess with me. At first I just wrote that the guy castrated him, but then at the last minute I decided, hey, why not add in some lovely details for the guys? Thank you muchly! But Pennylvania?! It's South Carolina, Sem...thank you again!

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My aim is to put down on paper what I see and what I feel in the best and simplest way. --Ernest Hemingway

Ben

Eep.

I'd hate to run into that girl.

I read all three parts to this, and the 'voice' was done really well. It was constant all the way through. It had a good flow to it, and the girl taking so much pleasure in her 'sweethearts' death made this piece... freaky. It really showed how deranged she was.

I was wondering why the village people were angry at the wife as well as the man. She didn't really do anything. I can understand when her Father struck the wife after saying "You were unfaithful? With some young harlot?!"... but I think there needs to be more to it. These people had a very strange way of thinking, though, so it didn't really bother me too much.

My favourite part was when the girl poked the body with a stick, then ran off because it was late, and she had church in the morning. It was a great way to finish it off, too.

Nice job, LW.

gohn67

Hey LW,
Nice to see the third part up so fast this time, I guess thanks to Wyndstar's subtle mention of your story in one of her story posts.

I still really like the voice. Actually my favorite part about this story. Strange, but it fascinates me for some reason. Also I really enjoyed reading the voice.

Castration. Ugh. I think a read a story that included castration last week. This is a creepy trend. That story was also written by a female also. Hmm.

Anyways I enjoyed the story.

Here a few grammar things I noticed.

form = from

plie = pie Like the image here. Very funny. Liked the motif of farm animal similes. I find that hilarious. Kind of think you should change the deer one to some type of farm animal if possible. I don't know but a whole story of farm animal similes is hilarious.

reteating = retreating.

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The Frowning Dog Blog

Wyndstar

Oh yeah! You can focus on the dad's history and just keep it going like a serial. That would be just the bomb!

In this family's case, that'd probably be literal...

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Old enough to know better, young enough to think I can still get away with it.