Where I go to love my mother in my brain. - Writers Forum

girlchez11 · 01-03-2006, 01:19 PM

It was 1991, right around this time..I was at my friends boyfriends house...right down the street from where my mother lived.
I picked up the phone, and the conversation went as follows...

" I have had it with you and your crap. You have done nothing but let me down for years, and for this I hate your guts. I will not be attending Toms family gathering on new years, and I wont be by to visit you anymore, until you have straightened yourself out."

The reply..."okay."

What you have there, is that last conversation I ever had with my mother. 3 days later she was dead. The last time I did see her was on Christmas day, and I have always put a lot of credit on how she looked down a lot..stared at the floor. I do this, because it was the same stare at the floor look my grandfather had the night he had the heart attack that took him to his grave.
I had many issues with my mother, and deep down, I probably still do..but the reason I am writing about this is because of the song I am listening to right now.

After my mother died, I eventually checked into the hospital for "other" reasons..any reason really, as long as it wasn't related to anything that may suggest I was upset on her passing.
I love music, I love lyrics, and I sit and listen to songs all the time..in the car, at work, at home, in my head..etc..The reason for this is because certain songs, great songs, take you back to a place. In your mind of course..but the greatest of songs, at least for me, are only made for time travel..feelings that can reoccur..

I remember being in the cafeteria in the hospital. It was a small white room. Had a few vending machines, some tables. Not for the public really, just for the crazies that had earned their privileges to leave the ward at dinner time. That and AA meetings on Saturday mornings.
I was sitting there alone, thinking about what antic I could pull to get some attention..he..now that I write that down..I suppose I still do that very thing.

Anyway, as I sat there thinking..over the intercom came a song.."The Year of the Cat" by Al Stewart...if you have never heard this song, I suggest you do.

I'm not really sure why I find it to be so momentous, other than the fact that after my mother died, we were all at my Nanas, looking at old photos, of her as a teenager..and I realized..that's what I missed. I missed a woman I never knew..one that had hope. A woman that was regarded as beautiful, fun loving..A girl really..and I guess in my head, its a comforting thought to picture her just like the story the song tells...I don't know..But every time I hear that song, its as if I am remembering a mother un estranged..the one I never knew.

"On a morning from a Bogart movie
In a country where they turn back time
You go strolling through the crowd like Peter Lorre
Contemplating a crime
She comes out of the sun in a silk dress running
Like a watercolor in the rain
Don't bother asking for explanations
She'll just tell you that she came
In the year of the cat
She doesn't give you time for questions
As she locks up your arm in hers
And you follow 'till your sense of which direction
Completely disappears
By the blue tiled walls near the market stalls
There's a hidden door she leads you to
These days, she says, I feel my life
Just like a river running through
The year of the cat.....Well morning comes and you're still with her
And the bus and the tourists are gone
And you've thrown away your choice and lost your ticket
So you have to stay on
But the drumbeat strains of the night remain
In the rhythm of the new-born day
You know sometime you're bound to leave her
But for now you're going to stay
In the year of the cat"

gohn67 · 01-03-2006, 07:52 PM

Hi again,
I liked the title, not sure why. Kind of quirky to me.

Once again I can't really tell if this is fiction or non-fiction. The way this piece and you other piece are written have a very journal entry type feel. A very relaxed approach to it. If this was fiction, I would be surprised because it sounds and reads like it really happened.

It was interesting, but it felt like it could be expanded on. I found myself kind of wanting more. Kind of a voyeristic urge, like reality tv.

girlchez11 · 01-03-2006, 08:24 PM

Well thank you. Actually, it is a journal entry. One that has roughly 100 viewers. As I am new to this site, I have been posting different blogs. Everything I write, poetry or story, is true. Thanks for the feed back!..;p

kalrarii · 01-04-2006, 10:22 AM

Yeah, last conversations can always be sort of depressing as a last conversation when you find out it's too late to change it. Too bad things can't be like in the movies - the dying people always get the right words out and then they die. >.<

girlchez11 · 01-04-2006, 04:50 PM

Thanks for your response...

Sigg · 01-05-2006, 04:41 AM

I liked it despite the overusage of periods. You have a way of telling things how they are, particularly not-so-upbeat things, without making them sound emo. I like the way you write, just not the periods.

girlchez11 · 01-05-2006, 04:57 AM

Thank you very much. I think I have started a mass frenzy on my akward and raw sense of writing here. For this, I smile. Nothing I have, is edited or perfected. It is how I see it, and how I write it. Believe it or not, I have found that there is a following for such writing, as not everyone wants to sit down to a 2 month book, and actually enjoys the easy flow of my words.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story.

mjk · 01-05-2006, 12:14 PM

i absolutely love the title.

very emotive, very real. great job expressing the feeling and tone.

my only complaint is the grammar, spelling and punctuation. i realize you might be doing this for artistic reasons, but it takes away from your words and your voice. spellcheck is there... use it. i'm all for breaking the rules of written language, but there must be a particular use or aim for it and i did not catch that here.

girlchez11 · 01-05-2006, 08:26 PM

Thank you. You are one of the few critics I will accept. As you never once added insult. This is what stands you above many.

mjk · 01-05-2006, 11:05 PM

i don't insult. in fact, i don't know if i quite believe that others would insult you on this forum. we're all just offering our two cents and no one is above another.

accept a critic or not, they are there, they are part of life, and they will not stop speaking their minds, just as you won't. i appreciate that more than you know. you've got an authentic and unique voice and you're not afraid to use it. don't lose that. i have a feeling you won't.

keep posting!