A Day In The Park With Nany McGill - Writers Forum

Sock · 01-02-2006, 09:56 PM

All I ask of you is to read this story to the end to see it for what it is...

The day was perfect. Arguably the best day that had ever come over Grindy Bay since August the Twenty-Third, if my mind doesn’t deceive me. One of those days where the sky is real blue and there is a perfect ratio of clouds to sky. One of those days where everything just looks real bright and shiny, like it was all polished up nice and proper. It was just, one of those days…

And even more perfect than the weather was the way Nancy McGill looked with her hair tied up and braided together like two ropes of silk. Out of all the places in the whole park she coulda sat she sat right, next to me, in the shady spot under the oak. Christ, that’s what really got me.

She eyed me up something fierce. With those big blue eyes of hers. Damn near killed me right there. Her skin was as soft and pure as milk. The grass forked every which way from beneath her firm behind from which he lushes legs protruded.

I struggled to bring myself to my feet and once I did I had to wheeze a moment on a count of my blackened lungs. I slowly strutted over to the tree and stood over trying to keep the grin of my face.

“Hey there Nancy…” I said softly. I slowly brought myself to the ground beside her.

“Hey there Dr. Innis…”

“I’m not in my scrubs Nancy, you can call me Chad…” I grinned slightly.

“Oh… well hey there Chad,”

“How would you like to get some ice cream with me… It’s awful hot, it would cool you down a whole bunch…”

“I really shouldn’t I have to wait here for my…”

“Don’t worry, it will be really quick, I promise!” I said with yet another grin.

“Well, alright I suppose… but its got to be mighty quick Mr. Innis… I mean Chad,”

We made our way across the clearing in the park. I stayed a little behind Nancy. If her parents saw us together they would have my head, they didn’t take much liking to me and would hate for Nancy to be with me.

She looked so amazing… Like a dream. We finally got to Jades Ice Cream where she had Rocky Rode in a cup and I had Vanilla in a cone. It was incredible. I was enchanted by the way she maneuvered her mouth over the spoon. The sun made her red dress look all the more magnificent and I could hardly keep myself from making love to her right there on the table. “I want you…” I quietly said in her ear.

“So you must have a boyfriend or something, right?”

“Me? No!” Nancy laughed taking another mouthful of ice cream.

“Beautiful day, huh?”

“Yah, its real nice, I’m going to the beach later with Amy Ingratta!” Picturing her on the beach in her brand new two piece was more than I could handle.

“Amy Ingratta… Oh that’s that Asian girl right?”

“Yah…” Nancy looked slightly unsettled. Perhaps I had offended her, did I sound racist. I hoped I didn’t sound racist.

Then everything went horribly wrong. Nancy's parents appeared behind her and they both looked cross as hell. It wasn’t even two seconds before I caught a fist in the mouth.

It was Nancy's father who had socked me one dead in the face. I fell backwards off my chair and he leaped on my chest ready to hit me again.

“You sick old bastard, your old enough to be her grandfather!” Nancy father yelled in my face. A second punch landed in my eye.

“She’s only ten fucking years old you sick, sick old man!” The father yelled even louder than the first time. Idle customers tried to separate us but it was no use. He just kept ramming his fist into my ribs and I shattered like the old sack of bones I am. They finally got him off of me and I lay there in a pathetic heap of pain…

cellardoor · 01-02-2006, 11:23 PM

whoaaa whoaaa whoaaa
whoa
seriously NOT expecting that.

there are tiny errors throughout the whole thing, no biggie, just polish it
but the story
it's.. it's like, too much, too far. just too out there. it needs more control. something like that.

Sock · 01-02-2006, 11:34 PM

I know, I know, totally understand where your coming from, when I was writing I was saying to myself "This is so wrong...". Sorry about the spelling, I rushed it a tad, I didn’t even revise, I know that’s horrible but, I'm guilty. But I'm glad thats what your reaction was, thats exactly what I was looking for total shock like "...what... Oh my god... I get it! Thats gross!"

Sigg · 01-03-2006, 06:47 AM

before i put in my 2 cent "good job" ill help you out with a little editing.

Be careful with words like "perfect", they often make writing seem less mature. Like you say the day is perfect but then say that the girl is "even more perfect" which isn't possible of course. I know what you were going for, but im just sayin it'd be better if you tried something more creative.

Quote:

Grindy Bay in since August

Take the "in" out.

I thought you did a good job of using the language to make it sound like an "average joe" but then you throw in some words and simile's that feel out of place. Like here, this felt awkward and out of place -

Quote:

She eyed me up something fierce. With those big blue eyes of hers. Damn near killed me right there. Her skin was as soft and pure as milk. The grass forked every which way from beneath her firm behind from which he lushes legs protruded.

[QUOTE]I slowly strutted over to the tree and stood over trying to keep the grin of my face. [/quote]

Uhhh wasnt she already sitting next to him?

I like the dialogue though, it gave credibility to the characters, made them feel more real to me. Very organic.

I could be wrong but i think it's Rocky Road not Rode

Quote:

and I have Vanilla in a cone.

The "have" does not keep the tense consistent, should be "had"

Quote:

He sun made her red dress

"He" should be "The"

Quote:

It was Nancy father who

should have an apostrophy s in "Nancy's"

Quote:

Idol customers

I think it's "idle" but im not entirely sure.

I thought it was an easy read because of the short length, the spacing(thanks ; D), the laid back country boy voice and the surprising twist. Cool little story, keep on writin and ill keep on readin!

Chris Miller · 01-03-2006, 09:38 AM

Nice idea. Needs more backstory and development of the main character, and maybe the girl (without giving away your surprise ending of course).

A very nice idea. Continue to work with it.

Wyndstar · 01-03-2006, 09:57 AM

Now that was a curve I wasn't quite (wanted) expected. It was so artfully done, but so disgusting at the same time, I had to read it again to make sure I got it straight.

Hate the font. Makes it too hard to read.

Some errors, Sigg caught most of them. Not sure if it was the font, or the fact that you wrote "...from which he lushes legs protruded."
I'm assuming you mean 'her'.

Other than that--you managed that really well. Almost scary...

Sock · 01-03-2006, 11:27 AM

Thanks guys, sorry about the errors I will be sure to correct them, I am a very fast writer and in fact, I didn't even read this piece over. I'm glad you were disgusted, that was my aim! As I reread it know I see it seems like I'm slightly dyslexic! I'm not sure I understand the problem you had with the font, did any one else see a proble with it? No matter, I will change that for you!

Soccah · 01-05-2006, 04:09 PM

I saw it coming, suprising enough. Then again, I was tempted to try writing something similair using the position of a necrophiliac.

Good piece, although the simplicity of the dialogue really gave it away. That is the problem with pieces like these; it's a careful balancing of reality and suspense.

Sock · 01-05-2006, 04:35 PM

I added A slight tid-bit of conversation that, I know see after I reread it may be revealing. I find it hard to add depth to characters in a short story. Perhaps if I extended it, it would be possible, but I think after you realize who Nancy is, you can imagine what kind of person Chad is with out me going into detail.