A Rolled Cigarette - Writers Forum

Wyndstar · 01-01-2006, 09:04 PM

Well, here we go. I reconstructed this and tried to recall as best I could the last part and added it. A bunch of people liked Sugar so much, I just changed her roll a bit, and added the confrontation with her in it.

A Rolled Cigarette

"Near two, Ave hon. Man's almost done with the job interview." declared Sugar the waitress anxiously "Gonna wanna bail soon as he gets his Joe-to-go."

"So?" Avery repeated her gestured to Sugar for a refill "Ethan's to-go is on my dime. It always is. He can at least grant me a bit of time."

Avery continued rolling a hand made cigarette absentmindedly on the table then, staring out the window.

"Hey, Sugar!" a regular of the café called to her "Didn't your man earn his keep last night? Or did he miss his usual finishing touch?"

"A blind man couldn't miss flicking a cigarette between that ten ton mass of artificiality." Avery muttered about Sugar’s breasts into her still empty cup "Even after their normal night of exertion between the sheets. Oh Miss Ten Ton," she beckoned "My coffee...?"

"Naw," the waitress, unaware of Avery, answered the man through a remorseful grimace "My man has an old bitch dog he had to deal with last night. Said she had fleas or some sorta itch like that. Poor old thing." she added with some pity "Sure wish he'd put the old thing down."

She swung around then, a sort of distress shadowing her over painted face.

"Oh Ave hon--I'm sorry!"

She rushed over, smiling apologetically and filled Avery's cup.

After a moment of silence that did nothing to drive her away, her, Sugar started up again.

"See the habit's gotten you, too."

Avery glanced to where Sugar indicated.

It was the cigarette Avery had been rolling absentmindedly between her fingers.

"Something got to me." Avery acknowledged solemnly.

"Well, being around a smoker for two months, it was just an inevitability..."

"It's been five," Avery muttered inaudibly "And obviously, that breast enhancement has done nothing for the intellect..."

"...Just look at me." the waitress went on, despite Avery's obvious indifference. And the woman pirouetted on three-inch spikes, though that seemed impossible, a neat sounding staccato click sounding from it as she went.

There were cigarettes everywhere--hanging from crooked teeth, stuck in that badly done blond hair Ethan always said was so tacky. A cheap hand rolled tucked in her ear contrasted with the diamond earrings. A contrived pack was tangled in the strap of a three hundred dollar bra.

“And you know,” Sugar added with a heavy sigh “Its just such an expensive habit…”

The older woman’s palm pilot sang of a board meeting at four, while Sugar fidgeted like she had something better than the after thoughts of misspent youth waiting for her after what was turning out to be a pointless interaction.

"Well, I certainly do hope Ethan gets this job," Avery sighed after a moment of silence, drinking the last of her coffee as 'Sugar' slipped a hand made cigarette, much like the one Avery toyed with, between her lips "After all," she smirked, holding up that cigarette "You never know what sort of surprises life can flick at you..."
***
Ethan was strolling to the greasy spoon where his ride was waiting when a guy as cheap looking as he was moved in step next to him.

"Hey man, back gambling at Bubu's Crap Shack again, huh? Win back any of the money you lost last week?"

"Naw." Ethan told Johny James--an old friend who worked in the mailroom at Avery's firm "He stiffed me for a good hundred."

"You say that every week." Johny pointed out "But I see you ain't the only one got stiffed." he grinned and pointed to Ethan's ear. "No cig still means you got laid, right? You slipped it down her tits, right? Or," Johny considered lasciviously "Did you put it someplace else, you dog?"

"Naw man--no sugar. I was with the bitch last night and..."

They got to the café; they could see Sugar in the window.

And there was the bitch, holding up a familiar cigarette.

"...I gave it to Avery, last night!" Ethan recalled with a groan.

"So?" Johny failed to see the relevance "Ain't like there's lipstick on it or anything.”

"You jackass," Ethan shook his head "Avery don't smoke!"

As the men considered in silence, two women turned in unison.

"Why you two bit, piece of slimy grease sludge!" Sugar blasted Ethan as he hung in the doorway "You said," and she thumbed in Avery's direction "That she was your older sister!"

"He told me you were a cousin who'd been a hooker." Avery revealed with a smirk of amusement "I wasn't supposed to mention it because it was a point of family shame."

Sugar was livid with obvious rage and shame, while Avery looked sadly smug.

"And here I thought," she mentioned, "That poor Sugar was in on this--which would have disappointed me, because I actually like her."

"Ave hon," Sugar drawled darkly "I may not be college, but I ain't no cheat."

Ethan screamed in pain.

After a deft flick, he was wearing the hot contents of Sugar's pot of coffee.

"You jerk!" she exclaimed, taking off her earrings and handing them to Avery. “You couldn’t even buy me NEW stuff---you went and stole Avery’s!”

"You might want to avoid Bubu's after today, too, by the by," the older woman added, sickeningly sweet "I called him and told him you've lost your only source of income..."

And with that, both women made a very cool departure.

Outside, it started to rain.

"Guess you better start walking then," Johny declared, in case Ethan missed the obvious "Cause it looks to me boy, that the days of free rides and roses, for you, is over."

gohn67 · 01-01-2006, 11:56 PM

Hey Wyndstar,
I liked this version better storywise, mainly because it was a lot clearer this time what was going on. The dialogue is very entertaining. The scenario has been done before, but it entertained me and you added your own touch to it.

The phrasing was awkward at times and that detracted from the story a bit.

Sigg · 01-02-2006, 05:25 AM

The story was pretty entertainting and the dialogue kept it feeling realistic, but there were times that the wording made me have to read it a few times before I really knew what you were trying to say. Otherwise, nice job.

ross · 01-02-2006, 05:35 AM

I still like it but - and you're gonna hate me saying this, I preferred some of the obliqueness of the first I think.
It's a good piece all the same, but I'd look at the first line. I think you a good enough job of informing us about his job interview without spoon feeding it to us so obviously. I felt that first bit of dialogue was a little forced. Just my opinion. And again, yes I've enjoyed your writing!