Broke for Four Days - Writers Forum

Dante0085 · 12-21-2005, 12:17 PM

December 21, 2005

Edward: *dials Steven's number on the phone*

Steven: *gets up off the bed and answers the phone* Hello?

Edward: Hey..uh..is this Steven?

Steven: Yeah.

Edward: Hey buddy, you know what I'm doing?

Steven: Uh..nothing?

Edward: Good guess, but no. I'm using my grandfather's crutches, pretending i'm a robot.

Steven: Close enough.

Edward: Yeah..there's like..nothing to do. A minute ago I was having murderous fun pissing my sister off, but it got old.

Steven: hah.

Edward: And then...I got my grandfather's crutches and started pretending I was a robot.

Steven: I know.

Edward: Oh, really?

Steven: mhm.

Edward: Yeah..so...hey steven, if you could do anything right now, what would it be?

Steven: Uhh...I'd probably go snowboarding. You?

Edward: Well now that I think about it, there's really nothing I would want to do in this world. BUT..since you brought it up...I suppose I'd like to go snowboarding.

Steven: Haha..

*Awkward Silence*

Edward: Did you say bye to Juan yesterday?

Steven: Yeah.

Edward: I didn't. At first I was going to wait for him to come out so I could say bye, but something told me to take off. Maybe I need to stop listening to my emotions. ...They HAVE been helping me a lot lately though. Yesterday, when my grandfather took me in the morning to Big 8 in order to buy some 3 liters for the party, I was about to lock the door when something told me not to and so I left it open.

Steven: hm.

Edward: Well..it turned out that my grandfather had left the keys in the house. Had I have locked the door, we would have tried to wake my sister up using the doorbell. A futile attempt.

*Awkward Silence 2*

Edward: There's nothing to do! Why aren't you playing your DS?

Steven: I don't know...don't feel like playing it. Why aren't you playing yours?

Edward: I'd be doing that right now, If I wasn't courteous enough to leave it at my dad's house so my little brother can play Nintendogs. Same goes for my playstation 2. Taking into consideration that you aren't doing anything right now though, regardless of your Xbox and DS, you must be pretty bored, no?

Steven: Yeah.

Edward: Well..uh..here's a random question.

Steven: Okay.

Edward: Would you ever marry a 54 year old woman?

Steven: Hell no! Unless I was 54 myself or..48.

Edward: why?

Steven: She'll be old and saggy.

Edward: Nah.

Steven: Nah? What are you on about?

Edward: Nothing, but what if you really, truly loved her?

Steven: I suppose so...even though she might die and I'll be all sad and stuff.

Edward: Hah...yeah..maybe. I'm running out of random questions to ask...

Steven: hm..

Edward: Well..I suppose I'll call you later. I'm going to write a story.

Steven: Okay.

Edward: Yeah..bye..

Steven: See Ya.

*Beep*

BookLover · 12-22-2005, 04:10 AM

The dialogues were engaging. I don't get the point of this. Is this a part of a play or something?

If this indeed is intended to be a play, then I think the syntax in these two sentences is not right.

Quote:

Edward: *dials Steven's number on the phone*

Steven: *gets up off the bed and answers the phone* Hello?

I don't write plays and haven't read many. But, the form that I have seen to denote actions is something like this:

Quote:

[Edward dials Steven's number on the phone.]

[Steven gets off the bed and answers the phone.]

Steven: Hello?

Apart from this, the conversation could have happened in a fewer dialogues. If the intention was to show the idleness, then the dialogues fit right in.

Hope that helped,
Sanyuja

Chris Miller · 12-22-2005, 09:22 AM

Dante has his own genre which tends to explore the evolution of relationships via the internet. I find some of them lazy and stupid, and some pretty funny and interesting. This one I liked. He's tightened it up a bit, and it has a theme. I also like the conversational non sequiturs. Have you got the hots for some 53 year old woman now Dante? The internet sure does level the playing field when it comes to love, doesn't it man?

LoneWolf · 12-22-2005, 07:06 PM

Wow, Dante! I actually understood and liked this one! I think you may have a gift, knowing not to lock the door and all. If you really, truly loved the 53 y.o lady, why not give love a chance, Dante? Why not!