WriterX

I listened to some Black Hawk Down music and I had this idea. Its one more Story From the Front. Lets see what you all think about it.


Sand Storm


I am Captain Tinbur of the TLF. This is my last journal entry before we are sent on a suicidal mission to Heaven City. You, who are reading this perhaps knows that Heaven City was once the capital of Terra, but after World War 4 it was turned into a one big terrorist base, where the Earth's Liberators trained men, built tanks, missiles, it was a factory, town and missile base all in one place. Many times we tried to take back the city but it was impossible. Traps, ambushes, suicide attacks, most armies which were sent there survived for less than a week before being captured or completely destroyed. Air Raids are useless since there are AA turrets built everywhere, on tops of roofs, parks, on cars. Infiltration is impossible because nobody ever discovered an easy route inside of the city... it was much harder getting out anyway. I am leading the 4th Company called the "Sharks", and possibly its the last thing I will do...

"Men, load up your weapons and prepare for disembarkment!" shouted the sergeant to the troops in the transporter.
"Sir, we did not reach the city boundaries yet." said one of the troopers.
"The are is heavily mined, we need somebody to clear the fields."
"But shouldn't the Engineers be doing that?"
"Congratulations, you have just been promoted, now get your ass out of the transporter!" the squad went outside. The sun was high in the sky and not a single cloud. The whole convoy stopped and about 15 miles away you could see Heaven City. It looked like a ghost town, with a wall surrounding it. At first it did not seem anybody would want to defend such a ruin in a middle of a desert.
"Time to start digging," said on of the men when he took out his metal detector and kept it close to the sand. They slowly walked forward but the tanks and transporters behind them seemed to be frozen in place. Suddenly one of the detectors beeped.
"I found one!" he shouted. He took our his shovel and carefully started to dig. The five other men went closer to him to see what he found. In horror they noticed it was only a skull with a metal tooth. A sudden burst of bullets stopped the men from continuing the watch. Everybody dropped down and took our their guns out and scanned the earth but could not see anything. The tanks and transporters went back to life and drove forwards slowly.
"Desert Rats!" somebody shouted when a small group of buggy like vehicles appeared from nowhere. They had mounted machine guns and their speed was impressive. In each buggy there was a driver, "main gunner" and passenger who used his personal weapon to attack. They were wearing simple civilian clothing, only the black scarfs tolled away who they were.
"Combat positions! Move, move!"

I prepared the best way I could for the upcoming mission. I prayed for three hours, bought as many lucky charms as possible and then prayed some more. But war is not about faith or luck. Its experience and training, but people forget that at some point, just like with me. But I was not alone the day before our depart. The chapel was full of soldiers praying to survive this mission, most would not... actually none would, I was too optimistic there.

"Sir! Enemy machine guns! third floor!" shouted one of the troops.
"Covering fire for our tanks!" shouted back the sergeant. Everybody fired at once and for a short moment the Liberators stopped their attack. A Hornet tank drove through the street aiming at the window where the machine gun was emplaced. It fired with deadly accuracy and when the smoke settled all that was left was a whole in the building.
"Move forward!" the squad ran for the next possible cover closer to the center of the street. A radio message reached the Sergea's ear.
"The 3rd Company has met fierce resistance and cannot move forward, all other companies are to attack and later help 3rd." a low flying TLF Bomber flew just above the squad dropping its cargo onto a position behind the building which was just attacked. Shouts and screams came from the place the bombs landed and as if in a mad frenzy the squad, shouting, charged forward.

I had read some reports on our enemy. Their tactics, strategies, equipment. It all looked so primitive, yet effective. From my observation the weapons used by them dated by to the XXI century. I could not imagine how could such antiques still be used in battle. What ways of preservation was there? Maybe they just stole some plans and now created these cheap guns and explosives. But how is it that one whole company can be completely destroyed by these rats?

A tank rode through the streets, surrounded by s mall squad of seven men. One of the crew members was outside, the top hatch opened, and he looked forward at the bazar square in front of them.
"Steady there!" he shouted to the men inside the tank. A loud noise came from on the buildings everybody looked that way and before any orders were given out some of the men fired in the area of the sound. When the sergeant shouted for them to halt complete silence fell. A pigeon came from the place the men fired and it flew toward the sky.
"You idiots!" shouted the sergeant. He looked at the square and noticed something on one of the roofs. He focused on the strange object and realized what it was. "Get down!" all the men listened. Only the crew member on the tank was slightly too slow. The Desert Rat trooper on the roof aimed his missile luncher straight at the tank. One round came screaming through the square hitting the tank's front armor creating a massive explosion which turned the tank into a flaming death trap. The crew member on the tank flew into the air and landed a few meters back, the others inside the tank screamed for help when the flames surrounded them. The squad stood up and fired at the trooper, who was by now gone.
"On your legs take cover!" shouted the sergeant. Right on top one of the lying men landed a molotov cocktail which ignited him. The soldier dropped his weapon and ran in circles causing panic and chaos. More molotv's fell . The men ran inside the buildings to hide from the fire. And just as it started it stopped. Out of a tank and a squad of seven men only four soldiers remained.

I end this entry with a few words of hope that although we can't win this battle at least the men will have a quick death, and not be captured an interrogated by these madmen. I heard stories about people loosing their eyes, hands and legs. I will not finish that way, I will rather kill myself than let them get me!

After a few hours of combat the town was taken over. The enemy hid themselves in the mountains to the north and there was no way they would be coming back.
"This was too easy." said General Stone.
"I agree on that General, but lets not be so sure of our victory." said one of the captains.
"What do you mean? This city is ours! How can we loose?"
"Did you ever think how all the previous armies lost?"
"No, I did not."
"Now that is something to worry about." a trooper ran to the two officers.
"Sir! We have an emergency!" he shouted to the captain.
"Yes, what is it?"
"We discovered a nuclear warhead, its armed and counting!"
"What?! Call the man to evacuate! How much time do we have?"
"Five minutes sir." Stone sat down on the ground and put his arms on his head. A loud explosion came to his ears, but he did not look that way. Suddenly his vision was gone, he could see only a bright light which soon became warm. He did not feel pain, it was more like pleasure. He forgot about the TLF, the war, he was somewhere else, far far away and he was happy with the thought that somebody else would have to do it now... beat something nobody can beat.

Operation Sand Storm will start in three hours. I sent a letter to my sister and mother that I would not be coming back. Who knows, maybe I will? In this world anything is possible, but if I die I hope they will find my body, bury me with all the honors and not be left in a middle of a desert, a skeleton, and nobody will know who he was... this is too scary a thought even for me.


The End

__________________
"The written word remains. The spoken word takes wing and cannot be recalled."
Anonymous

"There are books of which the backs and covers are by far the best parts."
Charles Dickens

bobothegoat

Alright, here goes:

This sentence is crazy. First off, subject-verb agreement. You start with "You... knows that..."

Second, the way it's written says, the ELs trained men; the ELs built tanks; the ELs missles; The ELs it was a factory; (and so on). This sentence needs to be split up into two or three.

The list at the beginning doesn't make sense.

Tense shifted. Either use present tense or past tense. Be extremely cautious when changing between them.

I'm not sure this gives the image you were going for. It seems to imply they apparated or something.

The buggy reminds me of the warthog from Halo, by the way.

I could go on like this for much of the story, but I'm afraid I feel lazy tonight. There's a number of awkward sentences and word-choices throughout the story, which you should probably find by reading through thoroughly.

As far as the plot and characters... well, I really felt I had no idea what was going on. I don't know anything about the character. In many places, I almost can't even tell there is a main character. Really, the issue is I don't know why anyone is fighting, where they really are, or who anybody is. I'm sorry to have to say it, but it just doesn't feel like there are any motivations in this story. Perhaps this is the point?

I think this story needs to have a bit more focus on the characters. What's their home like? why are they fighting? What are their goals? Etc. The best parts of this story were those in italics because it did have a little bit of insight into one of your characters. Don't let it stop there though--you can still offer insights into your characters and setting in the third person narritive.

Hope it helps.

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Bobo the Goat

WriterX

I can agree with most of the things you said here. I wrote it and only spell checked it (but it seems even my spell checker is against me). I read it in the morning and only then found a load of very stupid and visible mistakes.

The style I adapted here is very specific. In italics I include something like the thoughts of the "main" character while in the rest of the story I give some detail on what is happening in general. You might have noticed that in some parts the italics and "action" is related to each other. In stories like this I usually wish to present something in a completely different way. We have an officer who fights in the TLF (Terran Land Forces). We don't know why he joined, all we know is that he had some bad luck and he is sent on a suecide mission, think about the soldiers who fought on D-Day. Did they want to be there? Their officers expected what was coming but the normal troops did not, they could not say "I don't want to go.". An order is an order, and thats the situation here.

We see the "main" character's feelings, he is afraid, he talks about experience and training but he also shows that at some point people don't rely only on their officers or training but faith.

I would say much more but I am currently occupied... I will surely correct this story but it will take at least a day.

__________________
"The written word remains. The spoken word takes wing and cannot be recalled."
Anonymous

"There are books of which the backs and covers are by far the best parts."
Charles Dickens