BookLover

Author's Note:

This is an outcome of an assignment. I had to describe a scene where a woman is hiding a weapon. I tried my best to show and not tell. Let me know if I managed to do that.

Blood dripped from the knife as Susan pulled it out from David’s body. She held the knife in her hand for a second and the color of her eyes looked very similar to the liquid that the knife was smeared with. Running frantically looking for a place to hide the knife, she found herself in her son’s room.

She looked at the window facing the backyard to check if Harriet, her neighbor, was peeping in. When she was sure no one was watching her, she ran to the study table. Even after trying all the drawers, she couldn’t find a suitable place for the weapon in her hand.

She ran from one corner of the room to another, trying the cupboard, the book rack and the rocking chair and finally found a solution in an old suitcase which was dumped in the attic. Tall enough she was and didn’t have much trouble getting the suitcase down. Without bothering to clean the knife, she shoved the knife in between the old rags.

Once the suitcase was back in its original place, she heaved a sigh of relief and her slender frame shook. She sat on the edge of the table and thought about what had happened in the past two hours. Never had she imagined herself committing this heinous crime, but as she remembered the mental trauma that she had been through, she knew that was the right thing to do. She hated adultery the most and her husband had dared to do exactly that.

She looked out of the window at the sole tree in the backyard, with all its leaves shed. It stood silently, a witness to her act. The sun was setting at the horizon and the birds were returning home after the well spent day.

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gohn67

Hey Sanyuja,

Ah, yes, the old Show Not Tell rule, which confuses the hell out of me.

I think you do a good job of it. I wish you didn't tell me in your Author's note what the character was doing though, then I could see if my impression of the story was the same as what you were going for.

I think this part is a bit telling, but I'm not really sure. Show not tell to me is a very vague rule.

mental Trauma is vague- be more specific here.
Adultery is vauge also - be more specific here also.

Other than that I think you did a good job of "showing and not telling"

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Phantom Rose

Short, but good. I think you did a pretty good job of "showing". However... What annoyed me was this:

Blood dripped from the knife as Susan pulled it out from David’s body. She held the knife in her hand for a second and the color of her eyes looked very similar to the liquid that the knife was smeared with. Running frantically looking for a place to hide the knife, she found herself in her son’s room.

You just used the word 'knife' four times in three sentences, making it... not very pleasing to read, too repetitive. You should've found another word to replace it... 'weapon' or 'blade', maybe.

And again:

Without bothering to clean the knife, she shoved the knife in between the old rags.

You shouldn't use the same noun twice in the sentence.

But then again, that wasn't what you were asking about, eh? Overall, a pretty nice job. The parts gohn already pointed out were the only vague parts, as far as I could tell. =)

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Jonesy_0

What I think you need to do is expand the thing. If this is for an assignment I'm guessing you're not gonna work on this much, but there should just be more in it, more struggle for her to find a place. I'm not sure where she's at. The attic? Her son's room? I think she should be in one place, and you need to 'show' what the room looks like, 'show' all the things she sees and describe them.

BookLover

Thanks for the comments.

gohn, I will rework on that part. I will add more info about her motive for the murder.

Phantom Rose, now that you pointed it out, that sentence irritates me too! I will reowork on that.

Jonesy, thanks for pointing that out. After reading your comments, I reread the piece and you absolutely right. There is not much struggle involved. I will work on that.

Thanks once again,
sanyuja

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Graff

I liked it overall

The only line that bugged me a bit was this:

It just seemed like you were trying too hard to be descriptive here, and the visual doesn't work. I think you should just cut it off at "She held the knife in her hand for a second." and maybe change "second", to "moment".

This is a line that worked well, and I liked very much:

but maybe change "sole", to "solitary".

So overall, I liked it, good job!

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BookLover

Thanks a lot for the comments Graff.

I will rewrite those sentences.

Just wanted to know, why is solitary better than sole? Is the sentence grammatically wrong? English is not my first language and I don't understand these nuances. So, just wanted to get it clarified.

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Graff

It's really just a readability issue, nothing to do with grammar. The sentence, "The sole tree," is a bit choppier than "the solitary tree." See how the second one just rolls off your tongue easier? You want to make it easy for the reader to keep a rythm.

When I read through a finished story story I've written, I just read it straight, and look for words or sentences that I stumble on. In all likelyhood, the reader will also stumble on them, so I make them easier to read. I make them flow a bit better.

And I must say, you write extremely well for English being your second language. Great job!

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BookLover

Thanks for the compliment Graff. To be honest, I am not sure my English is correct. I manage to write something.

I understand what you are saying. 'A solitary tree' does sound better than 'a sole tree'. Thanks once again for pointing that out.

I too will start doing that. I will read the story and see if I 'stumble.'

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Wyndstar

I like it, for what it was. It was well written, though I think I'd like it a bit longer.

"She held the knife in her hand for a second and the color of her eyes looked very similar to the liquid that the knife was smeared with."

This was my favorite line.

My only question is, that while she is trying to hide the knife, did the dripping blood ever come to mind? If she doesn't clean the trail (at least until she got to the rags), how can she hide the knife?

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BookLover

Thanks for the comments Wyndstar.

I know the story lacks depth and details. I didn't think about the blood dripping part when I wrote this. I know this needs rework. I will rewrite this and post it here.

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Writergirl80

"She held the knife in her hand for a second and the color of her eyes looked very similar to the liquid that the knife was smeared with."

Hi,

I don't understand this line. Are you saying that her eyes are blood shot? Or ....? I'm not clear on this.

BookLover

Hello Writergirl,

Yes, that is what I meant. Keeping in mind that there would have been a fight before she killed her husband, I imagined she would be tired and her eyes would be red.

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Graff

Ok, now that I see what you meant by that sentence, I take back my statement about changing it.

But I do have a way you can improve it. How about "The whites of her eyes had turned a very similar color to the liquid the knife was smeared with."

It just makes it more clear what you meant to describe.

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"Vigorous writing is concise. A sentence should contain no unnecessary words, a paragraph no unnecessary sentences, for the same reason that a drawing should have no unnecessary lines and a machine no unnecessary parts. This requires not that the writer make all his sentences short, or that he avoid all detail and treat his subjects only in outline, but that every word tell." -- William Strunk Jr.

BookLover

Oh, thats ok. The sentence looks complicated to me, so I am going to change it anyway.

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