Before the Drugs - Writers Forum

Raging_Hopeful · 12-13-2005, 11:30 PM

I posted this in the Fiction section before realizing that it's a really short story so it should probably go here. I don't plan on fleshing it out too much. It's more of a snapshot, though I'm planning on expanding the dialogue and imagery.

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“I don’t want to be afraid anymore,” she breathed heavily in my ear. I didn’t want her to be afraid either, and my hand rested in the curve of her hip, gently guiding her through the throbbing masses of people, intoxicated by the pounding music and lights swelling all around us.

“Don’t worry,” I whispered against the side of her neck, “you don’t have to be afraid.”

As we extracted ourselves slowly from the crowd, her hand sought mine and held it tightly until we broke free of the orgy. She panted softly, the air weighing heavily upon us, thick with fragrant lust and the chemical sweat of drug-enduced euphoria. It smelled like sex, an undertone of rage and surrender mingled with the erotic pinings of a generation gone mad. I pulled the small baggie from beneath my left breast, shaking them before her enticingly. The round white pills winked at us, a vibrant purple butterfly etched in their surfaces, and two rolled into my palm, as if they already knew they belonged there. My eyes rose to hers and found them sparkling with indecent enthusiasm. I licked my lips casually and she closed her eyes, parting her lips expectantly, as the lights danced upon her moist tongue. The pill rested for a moment on her tongue before her lips hid it from view and I swallowed mine as the pulse in my neck began to pound in anticipation of the night to come.

The light poured in over my face, washing away the quickly fading visions of the clandestine night… I could hear footsteps, though my eyes were shut to the sharp morning light that burst through the open door.

“What the fuck..." I could hear her voice, rage etched in every syllable. The metallic twang resounded through my aching head as she kicked a can violently. I groaned and rolled over, pulling the sheets over my naked body, draping an arm over my eyes. I felt like I had gotten my ass kicked. And now this..

“She must have left very early.." she said, her voice coming closer. I could tell it took every ounce of her self-control not to lash out, maybe even hit me and I didn't feel any desire to stop her. I knew I deserved her anger.

“She was no one… there’s never been anyone but you,” I said, and although the words were brittle, I meant every word. Yeah, there had been a girl in my bed… but who was she? No one. No one to my beautiful Amazon who now blotted out intruding rays of light. I heard her draw a breath and it hurt me to imagine how it must feel to be her. I couldn’t even look at her.

I wanted to disappear. She couldn’t cry. If she cried, I was pretty sure I would implode. My heart would burst open and my mind would crawl out of my very skull… because it knew I was a worthless piece of shit.

“Right. You know it makes no difference right? Girl after girl... they can't make it go away. They can't fix what's wrong with you! You're fucked, you know that right? Fucked in the goddamn head... That shit has turned your brain to shit. Everything is falling to shit!" Something shattered and I winced at the sound. “Does anything matter?" She said.

I blocked out her tone of resignation. I tried to think.. to say...

The sky was a brilliant blue and I could feel the sun warming my face. I opened my eyes to the lush field that rolled out from beneath my feet, a fragrant red carpet courtesy of Nature. I was barefoot like the memories of my youth and I broke into a run, I could see her beneath the tree. She leaned against the grizzled trunk, her arms cupping her elbows as she smiled. The wind ruffled her beautiful hair and she brushed it from her face. My beautiful girl. Her smile was always just for me… that secretive, come-hither smile that could tear apart the gloom of a New York sky. I ran to her as she waited… but the grass was slipping out from under me, and she was fading, and I was falling. Down…

Down.

I shivered beneath the thin sheets and curled up into a fetal position, goose bumps rising along my flesh as I realized I was alone. She had really left. I didn’t bother opening my eyes. There was nothing to see in the trash that was my studio. There was nothing left except her. She filled every inch of my life, my room and even my bed.

It had been so different before the drugs.

gohn67 · 12-14-2005, 03:54 PM

Hey Raging_Hopeful,

-First part seems like they are a rave or some kind of party.

-The girl in the first scene is not his girlfriend it seems, but at first we really don't know, who she is. I assumed it was his girlfriend.

-The transition to bedroom scene confused me.

-Is the girl from the Rave still in his bed or is she gone? She seems like she is not even there.

-The ending he blames the loss of his girlfriend on the Drugs. I don't think that was the case though. It seems like in the beginning even before they took the drugs, that he was trying to seduce her. So it seems like he was fully aware that if he gave her drugs that she would let him sleep with her.

Jonesy_0 · 12-14-2005, 11:01 PM

At first I actually get the feeling that they're friends, and she's dating some guy, but yet the two of them have a spark of sexual tension.

Could she hear him if he whispers when there's throbbing masses of people and pounding music.

You need a break of some kind after the third paragraph to show that time has passed.

I don't like the eighth paragraph at all. The emotion from her sounds so fake and forced, because I don't know who she is.

I don't like the last line, it seems cliche.

Sorry if it's harsh. I'm probably WAAYY too critical of people's work. I can't barely stand to read published work.

Raging_Hopeful · 12-21-2005, 06:09 PM

No it's good to get honest feedback. Like I said, it was a snapshot which may be incorporated into some other story in some other place. There isn't much background or supporting information I know... but actually, I would like to point out that the characters are girls. There is no guy in this snapshot.

I guess I was playing more with imagery here. I know the dialogue is complete crap. Maybe it would be more effective to cut it out completely. Hm... but thanks for your feedback regardless!

UsedTombstone · 12-28-2005, 09:36 PM

This is really interesting. I like the feel of it; the beginning was the best, actually, the entire scene. My english teacher said that to write chaos, one must not be chaotic {and tons of other people have said it too, I know}, and I think you do a good job of that. What I would suggest, since you said you were playing with imagery, would be to enhance on the sense more. Bring in not only the sights of the orgy, but the scents and sounds and tastes (does sweat fill the nostrils and coat the tongue like salt? Does the music throb with the lights, keeping time or flickering wildly until there's no telling which direction is up anymore. Once they've taken the drugs, do the lights change with the music--are there different scents? Do the old scents take on new meaning? Play with the senses more, let the reader work off all five. What does the skin of all the people feel like rubbing against the characters'?

Of course, all of those can be applied to the middle and end of the story as well.

I like the end, but it feels choppy. The use of a dream is nice, and I think it gives a better sense of the emotions the character is feeling than what simply telling it could, so I like the use of that. However, the writing feels more forced. I'm not familiar with anything else you've written...*verynew*, so I don't know if this is just how you write, but I can't see positive effects from a choppy writing style whereas blending the entire story together, perhaps from the views of the sense and how those change to incorporate the current events, would make it feel more unified and connected.

Also, while I like the idea of not labeling your characters, I think that giving them some sort of label would be helpful in identifying what's going on. Unless you want to be purposefully unclear as to who the one night stand and the girlfriend are, you might want to make a bit of a better distinction. I got it, but at first the reader's wondering why the girl from last night is suddenly so pissed.

So...yeah. Overall, I really liked it, but I'd like to see more with the senses and so on.

Ciao,
UT

Lorlie · 12-29-2005, 04:25 AM

I thought it was great, and I got that it was two girls instantly!
I for one would love to read more of this, it has the basis for great things in my humble opinion.

Lorlie

Raging_Hopeful · 01-23-2007, 11:45 AM

Hmm... yeah it's been a while since I looked at this piece and I think I've come a long way with dialogue so it may be good exercise to rewrite it here and see how it changes the feel. So I'll edit it and you guys can tell me what you think...