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| Short Stories Short Stories, usually between 500 and 2000 words. |
11-20-2005, 12:33 PM
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#1
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Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Apache Junction, Arizona.
Gender: Male
Posts: 6
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A Weak Strained Maiden.
The following was written as a school assignment, since I haven't done much submitting, I'll start with this. Criticism is encouraged, hold nothing back, I need to improve greatly.
Hearing the low, long cry of distress I thought to myself, "Another rabbit hunter, like I, have lost their way and is now calling to whomever is listening." As I crept towards the entrance of the cavern uneasily, the cry rang out again. Wanting to signal to the being, I shouted, "Li-i thlaia-a!" Upon hearing no replying call, I repeated my chant in hopes of drawing the attention of the distraught character. Halting my cry to hear a reply, if any, an enormous rattle and resulting clatter entranced my mind, and an instantaneous jolt of horror entrapped my body. Momentarily frozen in fear, I looked for a place of refuge, a place away from the mouth of the cave, for I had known as the clatter rose increasingly, I had signaled to the Cannibal Demon.
Finding my way to the depths of the cave, I could hear the Demon trudge on as twigs disjunctioned themselves under the powerful blow given to them by the feet of the curious and hungry cannibal. As it finally reached the entrance, I almost fainted, in pure fear. It began, "I am cold. I am hungry. Let me in!" He clambered back as he took a try at entering the cave, which upon the attempt, found the opening to be too small for it to pass through. Collective and calm, the Demon grunted, "Come out, and bring me something to eat." Wanting to berid myself of the Demon, I replied, "I have nothing for you. I have eaten my food." Knowledgeably replying, the Cannibal rang, "Have you no rabbits?" Paying no mind to my minimal reply he began again, "Come out and bring me some of them." Unwillingly waiting for the answer, the Demon grew restless and shouted, "Throw me a rabbit!" Resistively, I threw him a rabbit. As I did so, he snatched up the rabbit and swallowed it whole, fur and all. He repeated his request and I repeatedly threw him rabbits. Again he shouted, "Throw me another!" Unfortunately, I had run out of rabbits and replied, "I have no more!" A slight pause became present before his huge, yellow-tusked mouth grumbled, "Throw me your overshoes!" Throwing my overshoes, he inhaled the deerskin shoes as fast as he had the rabbits. Asking for my moccasins, belt, mantle, blanket, and overdress I unprotestingly granted his wish hoping he'd be satisfied and leave. Trying yet again to squeeze the opening, he grew tired and drew out his great flint axe, which had remained hidden until now, and began shattering the beginning of the cave to enlarge the hole for himself to pass through.
This action continues until the great beast that was the Cannibal Demon let out an agonizing scream. I watched fearfully as the Demon stumbled back from the cave entrance and collapsed. Moments later, standing upright were the two war-gods my mother and father had spoke to me about. Why had they saved me? Why were they being so relentless? Regardless, I am grateful for their kind acts towards such a hopeless, weak strained maiden.
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11-21-2005, 10:19 AM
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#2
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Fergus, Ontario CA
Posts: 2,676
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Hey Houston,
I am going to go against my better judgment here and provide the “harsh” criticism you request in order to “greatly” improve your writing. I suspect you are young and just beginning to write seriously.
First off, I was most disappointed by the ending of the story. It came out of nowhere and destroyed a conflict which you had built very well and warranted much more thoughtful resolution. The demon had stripped the maiden by eating her clothes (after all of her rabbits) and was stalking her into her cave. This was borderline hilarious and yet somber and weird too. So what happened? Did you get tired, or was it finally enough words for whatever assignment motivated it? The last paragraph also jumps out of point of view. It is like a synopsis of what you planned to write.
You suffer from the beginner’s (okay all of our) tendency to use way too many adverbs and adjectives, in general to overwrite, to be eloquent at the expense of clarity and just presenting the ideas of a story. On the other hand, you display a good vocabulary and grasp of language. It will be easy for you to tone it down and simplify, to let your actual ideas (the muscle of any story) to better carry it.
Let me give a couple examples:
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Finding my way to the depths of the cave, I could hear the Demon trudge on as twigs disjunctioned themselves under the powerful blow given to them by the feet of the curious and hungry cannibal.
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This is telling and cumbersome to the max. Why not just. “Twigs snapped behind me like dry bones [or some better simile] under the huge paws of the cannibal Demon as I entered the cave.
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As it finally reached the entrance, I almost fainted, in pure fear.
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Never tell emotion. This is as close to a dictum as you will find in writing. Also, ease up on the use of the word “as” in trying to imply simultaneous actions.
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As I crept towards the entrance of the cavern uneasily, the cry rang out again.
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The adverb “uneasily” is weak and hurts my ear (rhythm-wise) here.
And again, bad use of “as.”
But keep writing. You have what it takes. You have the ideas. I love the ideas of the long middle paragraph (which should actually be many paragraphs).
Chris
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