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Short Stories Short Stories, usually between 500 and 2000 words.

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Old 11-20-2005, 08:24 AM   #1
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klide is on a distinguished road
I am Dracula -Chap 1

The trees had lost most all their leaves by this time. Walking through the bare eerie forest, the man felt the loneliness around him, in him. The bare limbs leered black against the gray sky, spider like against once deep blue skies of summer. The air was cold, crisp, biting and the wind rustled the dead brown leaves across his tormented path with the sound of haunted screams. There was yet stillness in this haunted forest of naked oaks, maples, scattered dogwoods looming like long claws of something evil and wicked. Stillness broken only by a wind that seemed to come alive and then die, silently, naked trees bend for no wind, less it be harsh and cold. This wind was cold and harsh. The wind commanded the forest to come alive and then die into stillness. His destiny would bring harshness and cold to innocent souls that crossed his path. Something moved to his left and he paused and head turned to stare at the thing, but none was seen, he remained motionless for some time, understanding the pleasure that the forest gave at this time of the year. The wind heaving like a monster gasping for breath starting to grow more frequent as if the forest were in an increased struggle of good and evil. He new it was wrong, but did not have the power to control it. He studied left and right moving eyes first then his head, like a cat, he was alone. Loneliness had spread across his life like a cancer growing unknown slightly deep within his skull. No man should be alone, the bible says, this man chose the loneliness like a young girl choosing a doll. He knew his mission and was not going to miss out on the pleasure that was his and his alone. This time of the year brought excitement. It was Autumn and Halloween. The steel cold seemed to justify his cause, to provide an atmosphere too......
He changed his direction, for what reason was unknown, even to him, his destination was not relevant, he roamed like a hunter for a kill. Instinct directed his moves, he was no longer human. This madness had build up in him like sand castles assembled by children, no sense, no design, but added on and on until the tide came, breaking every wall down with each wave stronger and more destructive than the one before it, until all defensives gone, flattened. This is how the evil gets in, just seeps in like a sewer festering in the wet lands, unnoticed until it starts to stink. He was reeking. It hit so hard this time he hadn’t had a chance to fight it, it consumed him from depths, which were unfamiliar. Before he always had the upper hand, the strength of the evil now on the upper side, the wrong side for any good, any good at all or to all. Suddenly he found his path at waters edge, the blue lake and fresh breeze heighten his hunger, he was starving to break his loneliness, his frustrated isolation. The lake seemed lifeless, dog woods dropping there spent dull red leaves sent them floating on the rippled water like ships bound for new land. His toil was short, then moved to follow the shore, but off some distance within the protection of the shedding trees.
His thinking was like evil vomiting from deep within his soul, oozing out like pusstering dead flesh, alive with maggots. Dried blood, puss, the smell of which tortures the senses, is more than the normal man or women could stand alone, the sight is another issue all together. Semen drooling, dripping, reeking like sewage from a city of rich fat gluttons. Salty eyes that pierced the skin and saw inside the soul. His mind was completely gone.
He had a craving for a sweat young thing….
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Old 11-20-2005, 01:59 PM   #2
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You are using an over-abundance of adjectives. I should try to avoid that, so the story becomes more pungent. Be also careful to avoid repetition. You use the same words too often. And make sure your verbs are correct (like 'new' which should be 'knew').

I like these kind of stories. Is this a new version of the Dracula story or does it get a new twist?


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Old 11-20-2005, 05:38 PM   #3
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Nickie, it’s very kind of you to take the time, not only to read my post, but to also supply meaningful feedback. I read quite often, but have not in past tried my hand at writing.
I am still developing the outline that will cause deviation from the traditional story.
thanks again
klide
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