the carob tree - Writers Forum

Jokko · 11-19-2005, 09:08 PM

I am quite scared, it is one of my very first writings (I have written a few poems). I hope you'll like it!
Ho yes, english is not my mother tongue, so there probably are mistakes

Also, I haven't found the time to edit it yet. So it is raw, and very spontaneous. it is about 700 words.
Enjoy
Sincerely
Jerome.
----------------------

The Carob Tree

The smoke was dancing in the air. It appeared to be twirling, swinging to his heartbeat. As Colin’s pulse became faster, little bluish puffs of smoke were escaping his mouth like little bees whose increasingly intense buzzing was music to his ears.
- Colin! Open your window! How many times will I have to tell you that I don’t want people to smoke in my car?
Colin didn’t say anything. Instead he reached for the shiny blue switch, and by applying a slight impulse with his right index finger, a downward force of 1.754 Newtons resulted, leading to the swift depression of the sticky switch:
- Honk!
- Honk!? Colin, what on Earth did you do to my car! The switch is supposed to click, nor to honk!
Boris opened his eyes. He suddenly realized he had fallen asleep! Switches do not honk! Instead, the powerful howling was coming from that gold and purple eighteen wheeler trying to catch Boris’ attention. It was saying:
- Would you please have the kindness to go back to your lane sir, you are driving on the wrong side of the highway.
Rather, it barking with utter wrath:
- FUCK OFF!!!
Something is not right thought Boris. Trucks are not supposed to be on the roads yet! After all, it was only a gold and purple kind, of about 82,000 lbs, and although it was infringing the legal weight for a truck by 2,000 lbs, Boris had heard they were not the most aggressive ones. Anyways, he decided he would not bother more the angry vehicle. He quickly turned his steering wheel to the right by an angle of 2π/3 radians (he had never understood a thing to trigonometry, but that had never prevented him from driving a car!). There was a great stomp as the car jumped over the platform in the middle of the highway, and finally they were back to peaceful world of “driving on the right side of the road”.
- Are we there yet? Asked Colin. He did not seem to have noticed anything. He was too busy enjoying his first cigarette of the day. He was breathing slowly but deeply, his eyes were bright gold, not unlike this time when the surgeon had injected him with “liquid sun” anesthetic.
- For Christ’s sake Colin! For how long have you been smoking that crap!? I thought the doctor had been clear enough: you shouldn’t be doing drugs with your illness condition. He said it is likely to…
-… kill me? Interrupted Colin.
Last month, when he had been to his botanist for his annual check-up, the scientist had told him he had found a carob tree seed inside his right ventricle.
- It is possible there are other seeds inside your body. They usually find their way into the body of those greatly affected by poetry and melancholy. They feed from emotions and “beauty nectar” produced by your spleen gland.

- But what did he know? Thought Colin. He had probably learned all these facts while studying for his BCAT from his “Principles of molecular botany and the poetics of plants 17th edition” book.
- Damnit! I missed the exit…
Boris turned his head desperately to the right with the last hope that the exit sign would start running after the car, nimbly agitating its two cold stiff legs. Off course that didn’t happen. Not because signs can’t run, but simply because this one was too busy staring at their car! But before Boris could even wonder why, it struck him. Or more precisely, it struck them! Literally.
-I can’t believe I’m having another accident! Thought Boris.
As he turned his eyes back on the road, he finally noticed there was a goat playing the violin in the middle of the road. Time suddenly held his breath, observing the scene. The goat dropped its violin and closed its eyes in the hope of stopping the car. Boris closed his eyes as well, preparing himself for the shock.
“TADADADA♪!” Instead of the titanic crash sound he was expecting, the mind blowing vibrations of Beethoven’s fifth started thumping the walls of his heart. There was crushed steel, bright light, and finally nothing.
The last thing Boris saw as he was laying on the grassy highway was a giant carob tree crushing a car’s carcass in its roots, casting a deep, gigantic moonlight shade over his body.
He instantly knew the tree was his friend Colin.
The goat was still playing its instrument.
As Boris’s eyes closed, he thought he even saw a bride dancing to the music, under the tree.

ThatSmokingGuy · 11-20-2005, 12:40 PM

lol, this is one of the funniest things I've read in a while. I hope you don't take that as an insult, if it was meant to be serious, but some of the events were so random (goat playing a violin?? a seed lodged in the ventricle??)
It was surreal and quirky and I think the fact English is your second language kind of worked in your favour here. Some of your wording was just out of joint enough to be charming, and I think you could probably write some pretty cool childrens books.

Quote:

Colin didn’t say anything. Instead he reached for the shiny blue switch, and by applying a slight impulse with his right index finger, a downward force of 1.754 Newtons resulted, leading to the swift depression of the sticky switch:

Quote:

He quickly turned his steering wheel to the right by an angle of 2π/3 radians

Quote:

After all, it was only a gold and purple kind, of about 82,000 lbs

Are you a physics student by any chance?

Jokko · 11-21-2005, 12:02 AM

Hehehe thanks a lot for your comment

Actually I am a comparative literature student in the US, but I did take a lot of physics classes lol. I am very inspired by french surrealist writers who write with a lot of dreamlike and poetics elements (Boris Vian is a huge inspiration for me). as far as the goat is concerned, it is a reference to the Russian painter Marc Chagall (http://www.allposters.com/-sp/La-Mar...s_i127029_.htm; http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marc_Chagall), you should definitely check him out if you don't know him, he's a marvelous surrealist painter.
Once again thank you very much for your comments, I really appretiated the fact that you said I could write kids books, because I love kids, and I think kids books are especially hard to write.
Have a great day!
Jerome.

Chris Miller · 11-21-2005, 09:31 AM

Hey Jokko,

I almost didn't read this becasue of your discalimer. I mean, why would I want read the first story of someone writing in a 2nd language who has not even bothered to edit it?

But I'm glad I did. This is very funny and spans a few genres: humor and sci-fi to mention a couple. I found a lot of the imagry quite beautiful, especially the ending:

"As Boris’s eyes closed, he thought he even saw a bride dancing to the music, under the tree."

Beautiful. Poetic.

There were a number of errors, as you say, but if you haven't taken the time to edit, why should I? Right?

Anyway, thanks for the memorable read. You have talent. Hope to see more from you.

Chris

Jokko · 11-21-2005, 11:57 AM

Hey Chris!
well I guess you're right about the disclaimer. I should just have put the story, without saying anything. I will know now. But anyways thanks a lot for the comment. I will definitely post future works, and will take time to cerrect them and make the presentable. Thanks a lot for bothering reading my story, this is definitely encouraging me to keep writing!
sincerely
Jerome.

Lucid · 11-21-2005, 12:03 PM

That was quite interesting, very surreal. It was random and imaginative. I think I would have liked it better if you would have given me more of a base of reality, something more to focus on, and then cast everything in a more surreal light. It was a little too disjointed for my taste. Though I did enjoy it.