The Twist of a Dial - Writers Forum

eggo · 11-17-2005, 11:38 PM

moved

Lucid · 11-18-2005, 01:03 AM

Quote:

She thought it was petty, but one year she would like to win and tie the blue ribbon to the end of a baseball bat before she waved it at Betty.

This sentence was a surprise, and a good one. It was a very good way to end that paragraph; it shows personality from Viola.

Quote:

She had been baking in the stove for thirty years and it very seldom knocked.

Nice.

Quote:

The brownies were long since removed and the oven cooled from cooking.

You missed the verb (unintentionally?) on this sentence so I added a suggestion.

Quote:

Some people would run screaming through the house that a head was in their oven

That's kind of an awkward sentence. How about: Some people would run screaming through the house when a head was in their oven.

The story was very good. I was very surprised when she killed him with the skillet. It was very clever.

Quote:

Fucking Nazi’s just won’t die.”

Ok, now I really want to end a story with that line.

Keep'em coming. Your a story machine.

Sigg · 11-18-2005, 03:37 AM

I liked the story, Viola(nice name btw) was quite the unpredictable character. First I was expecting her to go apeshit and scream "Cursed demon be gone!" at the top of her lungs when she saw the head in the oven. Then I expected her to be a little less welcoming towards someone with such outrageous claims. I was definately not expecting the skillet to the head. Were you saying the guy was a Nazi because the Nazi regime tried to forcefully change people/society to be something that they thought was better? good job

gohn67 · 11-18-2005, 03:40 AM

Hey Eggo,
I thought this was great. One of my favorites of yours, actually. Read very smoothly for me.

Loved the ending. Really great, very memorable.

Quote:

She thought it was petty, but one year she would like to win and tie the blue ribbon to the end of a baseball bat before she waved it at Betty.

My favorite line. Messed up, but hilarious.

Wyndstar · 11-18-2005, 07:45 AM

I had 10 minutes before I had to get the kids ready for school--reading this was well worth it.

I LOVE Viola--for a lady alone on a hill, she's got a hell of a personality. Alright, I confess, my fav line was the last about the Nazis--what considerable thought that took, reasoning that the man never said he came from 'our' future. Nice touch. Made her more than just a distrustful old biddy.

Poor Viola though--after this story, I sense she's going to have more visitors to her little life on the hill.

Very good work, eggo.

slayerofangels · 11-18-2005, 07:56 AM

Its a monster of a piece eggo, I'll have a damn hard time writing wih this in mind. The character was done well, there was personality, humour, all that. Though the last line seemed a wee bit out of pace with viola's age and character.

Kudos
Slayer

Chris Miller · 11-18-2005, 08:56 AM

Pretty cool story eggo. I like the way you weave in the humor and still manage to make your point. Covers a lot of ground for such a tiny piece. The conflict (brownie bake-off competition) between the two women and even her early character development and history were good but struck me as kind of a blind alley. I guess the story seemed to jump genres a little, almost like you decided to change directions once you got into it. (I do this all the time.)

Here are the edits I spotted.

“her husbands legacy”
husband’s

this fifty acres
The “this” feels wrong (although I know what you mean).

“Two am”
2:00 AM

“The brownies long since removed and the oven cooled from cooking.”
Awkward fragment. “The brownies had long since been removed and the oven had cooled.”

“to react Willy-nilly…”
willy (no cap)

“Lets just say…”
Let’s

“ I don’t suppose you has a drivers license?”
have
driver’s

Not sure hallucinations are a symptom of Alzheimer’s. More of schizophrenia.

“with horn-rimmed glasses, receding hairline”
a receding hairline

“It will be the healthiest thing that could ever happened to mankind.”
happen

“mans natural affinity”
man’s

“And Viola stood and walked over to the stove…”
Isn’t the stove part of the oven?

"Fucking Nazi’s just won’t die.”
Nazis
Also, consider striking this line. It’s confusing, costs too much and seems out of character. The prior line is excellent and makes for a much stronger finish. I see from the above comments that I am alone in my opinion here. But I still stand by it.

eggo · 11-19-2005, 12:29 AM

Lucid,

Quote:

She thought it was petty, but one year she would like to win and tie the blue ribbon to the end of a baseball bat before she waved it at Betty.

Some people liked this but thought it was out of character for my heroine. It was nessecary at some point to inject the possiblity that she could inflict physical violence. It placed a seed making the finale believeable.

Everyone thought this paragraph was out of character , but not the last. You picked out that it was a defining paragraph for our character. When faced with odds she might resort to violence.

Quote:

You missed the verb (unintentionally?) on this sentence so I added a suggestion.

I sure did. Oops

Hey Sigg,

We all expect old people to react certain ways. I wanted Viola to react in ways just a little off center. So when we got to the end, the uncomon seemed common.

Yes, I used Nazi as a description here. Your right on, someone who disregards human life to ensure the betterment of human life. A self defeating prophecy.

Hi gohn67,

Thanks for ripping yourself out of you meglowriting project. If you have to write a bunch of words why do they call that Nano? I appreciate the kudos.

Hi Wyndstar,

Hope you weren't late for the bus. No need to worry about Viola. Her life is exactly how she wants it and God help the person who gets in the way.

Hi slayerofangels,

Never underestimate old people. They are just young people that pee a lot more.

Hey Chris,

Thats for the editing job. My lastest blind spot seems to be possesives.
I will work on these.

Quote:

Not sure hallucinations are a symptom of Alzheimer’s. More of schizophrenia.

But , I am pretty sure dementia is.

Quote:

Also, consider striking this line. It’s confusing, costs too much and seems out of character. The prior line is excellent and makes for a much stronger finish. I see from the above comments that I am alone in my opinion here. But I still stand by it

Perhaps reversing the order of the last two.

"Fucking Nazis just won’t die.”
“ A planet full of sheep, Ha! No one said you were from our future."

Don't know. I'll try tommorrow after I get a little sleep.

I really like the Nazi line because it exposes the man for what he is.

Hey Maria,

Thanks for the kind words. I love leading people down a well-worn path and stopping to explore the edges.

Thank you all for reading.

Chris Miller · 11-19-2005, 07:11 AM

Just some thoughts before I go wash dishes...

Her using the word "fucking" is out of character, and could also hurt your chances of publication (since it is the only obscenity). Nazis... I guess I just think they have been done to death. Maybe she could be a "terrorist" or a "fascist" if you need more historical roots.

semtecks · 11-19-2005, 01:08 PM

great story, eggo. Put me in mind of a more mature Roald Dahl the way a man mysteriously appears in the oven, but much darker then Dahl at the end. Even though he's peacefull I can quite agree with having his head stoved in. The nazi comparative works too because he's essentially trying to take away free will -- and it's not out of character because you reveal she has violent tendencies early on:

Quote:

She thought it was petty, but one year she would like to win and tie the blue ribbon to the end of a baseball bat before she waved it at Betty.

Although I do agree with Chris, facist would work well too and it essentially means the same thing. But the word nazi conjures up an image that works too well.