Diary of Ian - short horror - Writers Forum

CroZ · 11-13-2005, 12:48 AM

This was just a short little something I whipped up when I was boared but I might aswell put it to some use. Its done in Diary form if you didnt guess

Though some of you might find it a little bit to twisted.

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Diary of Ian Holmes
Day One
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I can't believe it, after all this time we finnaly packed up and left America, I wasnt happy where we lived but I will be here, I just know it!
And its not just about me, my mam says that my Dad needs a quiet place to finish writing his book, I guess it is quiet here, we're so far from the nearest town it just feels lonely, but its big house, i've always wanted a big house, I wonder why it was so cheap though.

I should stop writing now, theres a light in the garden, I think someone might be out there.
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Diary of Ian
Day two
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Wow! Its only been a day and already my Dad has finished his first chapter, we're going to be rich in no time.

I told my parents about the light last night, they checked it out but it was gone by the time they got there. They said I was imagining things, and that I should go back to bed. But I kept my eye open all night, I'm very sleepy today.

There it is again! I can catch it on my own if I go quick enough!

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Ians Diary
Day Three
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Its not fair! It was gone again! And mammy and daddy caught me sneaking about! They said I was very bad, they threatened to not get any presents for my birthday this week! Its not fair why dont they believe me! They're stupid they always think i'm lying, stupid idiots.

No light tonight, but its thumping at my door, I can hear it breathing I can see it move under the crack in my door! I thought i'd sleep tonight but I have to hold my door shut.

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DiAIry Of Ian
Day fouR
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They didnt believe me! It was there all night! They didnt hear the banging! Why couldnt they hear it banging on my bed room door!? Wait... How could they not hear it? They want to leave me alone and suffer, fucking shits! I hate them!

Back at my door again, it didnt even care about knocking now. It just opened the door. But nothing was there when I looked. Just the footsteps in the darkness. I wanted to chase him but Mammy and Daddy said I was just being silly. I think they're afraid of me.

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My Diary!
DAy FIvE
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This time I have a knife! I'll catch it now, cunt thinks he can scare me!? I'll scare him, I'll cut his throat or whatever I can, fucking cunt is gonna die.

Its opening.
It was my parents, I was relieved. But they were trying to trick me! That was it! I cut them! They're bleeding on the floor right now. Mammy asked for help but I cut her again, stupid fucks thought I was stupid! They're dead now! Trying to trick me it was them all along!

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HaPPy bIrthDay Ian
HappY Day
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Mammy and Daddy are dead now, I havent cleaned them up. It dosent matter I found my presents, it was a battleship toy just like I wanted. My cake was in the fridge it was chocolate, yummy, I blew all twenty eight candles out in one big boy blow, I hope my wish comes true. Now everythings fine, I can finnaly get some sleep.

Wheres that tapping coming from?

ThatSmokingGuy · 11-13-2005, 02:16 AM

I liked it. The twist was good, but you need to run it through a spellchecker.

Jaime Lannister · 11-13-2005, 02:41 AM

Dude, this was really undeveloped. I don't understand how this boy or girl went from being normal to saying "cunt" and stabbing her parents. Just because she saw a light, she turns into some murderous killer? My parents didn't believe a lot of things I used to say but I didn't stab them. You need to show how this person turns evil and why. How does he learn all the curse words anyway? Was he possesed? Let us figure out what happens and also while the twist is strong (if unbelievable) it needs some subtly. Let us figure out that the person killed his parents, it would be much creepier and fun that way. Sorry to be harsh, just wanna help.

R.J.T · 11-13-2005, 05:37 AM

I'm sorry my friend, but your style is weak. I'll be honest, you don't know what your doing. I understand because I was there, once.
If A writer knows what there doing and they can write then I'll go along for the ride. But if they don't, well, there's lots of writers, and lots of stories.
My advice to you is don't jump into something you don't know.
If you have too, use yourself and your point of view for a refference.

I feel real bad for saying this, but you need to sit with yourself and maybe read a little more. Learn the language, learn similes, learn how to describe what you see in your head. I don't want you to just see the world you want to write about, I want you to go there.
I want you to stand there until you can smell the air and feel your charecters emotions. Then I want you to come back and tell us what you saw,what you felt. If the reader can step inside that world and tell someone what it looks like, then your doing something right.

This is the last thing I'll say, Don't you ever tell me what you can show me.

I promise you friend, I'm not trying to insult your writing. I know what that feels like. I want you to know and understand this craft as best you can.

R.J.T · 11-13-2005, 05:43 AM

I misspelled some words in my last reply, Please forgive me, I've been drinking and forgot to spell check.

----R.J.T

CroZ · 11-13-2005, 12:46 PM

I like honest replies and all but at no point did I say he was a girl, his name is Ian, it dosent take much to figure it out.
If by spelling mistakes you mean the mispelled titles (DiAIry Of Ian)
its supposed show the change in his perception after spending so much time awake. Theres more than likely more spelling mistakes in there somewhere though, to which I have no excuse.

First I should say that he's not a normal boy to begin with. He's a mentally insane 28 year old that acts like an 8 year old and still lives with his parents, plus he stays awake for five days straight before actually killing them.
Its not about how he became insane but that he already was.

As for the sylables, in the beginning I used them but as it carried on he grew more irrational and I wanted to show that through his words.

And its not supposed to be developed, its a quick five min job that I just jotted down.

tanmay · 11-13-2005, 04:14 PM

Although there is a huge scope for improvement in this piece yet I did enjoy it. Don't stop writing.

CroZ · 11-13-2005, 08:35 PM

Well thanks for the positive replies by the way.

But for the other two I was trying to take it in my stride and go over it but it hit me, you obviously you didnt read the story if you missed that he was an adult and a man.
I looked over it and apart from a forgotten comma here and there I didnt find any spelling mistakes so I'd really like to know where your coming from here.
You just made up stuff and fired them at me for no reason.

Though I can understand your point on expanding the characters personaility I felt that I included everything that's necessary without including a one page bio on his life.
And considering how you said that I should look through the characters eyes you still seem to fail to realise that its just a diary entry written over just six days shot entirely from his perspective as though it was actually him that wrote it, mentally insane adults arent the most articulate people.

Sigg · 11-14-2005, 06:24 AM

Naw man, that was a great short. I mean if you take it for what it is. I can tell you wrote it in a short period of time. Stories that aren't thought about and just written in the spur of the moment are often some of the most unique and fun stories. By the way, I don't really know what the other two people are talking about either. Because I thought that the "28 candles" thing was a cool twist, and by the last 1/4 of the story I started to get a feel for what you were going for. Personally I thought the story and the concept were great, they definately satisfied my desire for the "dark literature". I mean of course you could put hours into it and be more poetic about it, but whatever, it's good as it is.

Chris Miller · 11-14-2005, 08:54 AM

Probably best not to critique when you've been drinking R.J.T. I spotted way more errors in your critique than in the story. Low score on content too.

Story was not bad for a quickie. I kind of laughed to read that first the dad was planning to finish his book, and then that he had just written the first chapter.

Wyndstar · 11-14-2005, 12:05 PM

Actually, I thought it was pretty good for being written in a few minutes. I liked how the heading to his diary got more erratic as time went by--nice little touch that. I thought it conveyed the idea quite well for it's brevity, though the boyish to brutish transition was a bit jagged--still, this wasn't too bad.

R.J.T · 11-14-2005, 12:27 PM

I wanted to apologize for my last reply, I was drunk and not it the best of moods. Although I don't understand why someone would hurry up, write something and post it. I would think that you would want to tune it until its the best you can get it. But hey, if thats what you wanna do then do it, I guess. Anyhow for a rushed piece of work it wasn't to bad.

Wyndstar · 11-14-2005, 12:37 PM

Sometimes, a writer needs outside feedback to decide whether or not to run with an idea. Who better to run it across than other writers? Or in some cases, it's working up the courage just TO post something, getting that mental foot in the door, when you've never shown anyone anything you've written before. Or posting an idea before it gets lost, the paper its written on is ripped into ity bity pieces, and the file it's written on is corrupted by roommates or intrusive children who don't understand why its important. There are a lot of reasons.

CroZ · 11-14-2005, 09:50 PM

Well thanks to the others for reading, and I guess its okay since you apologised.

rmestre · 11-16-2005, 09:32 AM

I really enjoyed this piece, especially for a quick draft

I think once you proof and edit, this piece will be a solid work. It reminded me of one of those "Tales from the Crypt".

The only critique I have, is to give more detail about why the light is bothering him. It does not have to be a 'sane' description. But a description from his point of view. We know he is paranoid, but why exactly...or still vaguely but with a little more detail. This will extend the ending, bringing it to a fuller climax.

Great job!