R.J.T

I'm not sure what category to place this in. I don't think I'd call it a poem and I don't really consider it a short story. But I suppose this is really the only place to post it, so thats what I'm doing.

I have to admit that it was started with the intention of being a poem.
A friend of my asked me to write her a poem, I told her that I knew nothing about poetry and had no idea how to go about writing it. She insisted that I try, so I did. What came out was an extremely short story that has some poetic qualities. When I finished I was surprised how much I liked what I had. I liked it so much that I've decided to share it with you here.


Into the darkness, into the void.

The clouds overhead were such a dark shade of gray they looked black.
The stranger's feet landed on mostly dirt as he walked, only small patches of withering grass remained.
How did he come to be in this land of nothingness? A place the world had somehow forgotten.

Dark, so dark.

Far off in the distance the black sky quickly glowed white. Thunder erupted, sending tremors through the ground.
The stranger paused, standing as still as death..........a single drop of rain landed on the tip of his nose.
When the sky lit up again the stranger broke from his still pose and began to run. His movement seemed to be the rains cue, as he started his sprint to nowhere it began to come down.
It fell so hard it threaten to crack the earth's surface, it's wrath flooding the core.

He ran, the world disappearing into darkness around him.

He ran, and ran , and ran.

He ran until his legs folded underneath him and his body dropped to the dirt.
Rain pounded down on his limp, unconscious body.

When he next opened his eyes the dark clouds still held the sky prisoner, but the storm had passed. He managed to maneuver his exhausted body into a sitting position, and now wiped sleep and confusion from his eyes.
The stranger lifted his head and looked at the sky in front of him.What he saw pulled a tear out of his eye. There, pushing it's way through the thick, dark gray clouds was a single ray of sunshine.

He sat there staring at this lonely ray of hope, and began to cry. This sunshine was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen.

bornagainathiest

i liked it, it was strange. maybe a little overdetailed in some bits though. i liked the repeating of phrases. (he ran, and ran, and ran)

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indulge in me

He ran until his legs folded underneath him and his body dropped to the dirt.
Rain pounded down on his limp, unconscious body.

That was my favorite line.

I don't really think it's a poem either. I was going to say maybe make that the beginning of a short story but I really like it just by itself.

Hmm. I don't know. But I like it.

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we were parked out by the tracks
we were sittin' in the back
and we'd just started gettin' busy
when she whispered
"what was that?"
the wind. I think.
cause no one else knows where we are.
and that was when she started screamin
that's my dad outside the car!

--nickleback

R.J.T

I just wanted to pop in and thank "bornagainatheist" and "Indulge in me" for taking the time to write a reply. I'm shocked at how hard it is to get reply's in this forum. To the two people mentioned above I'm very happy to hear that you liked it, thanks again.

---R.J.T

copperzoo22

A fellow man searching for hope. So there are others like me out there. Nice buildup for your story. You could have gone, and still could go in just about any direction with this one. Obviously your character's been through some gut wrenching trial or tribulation which stripped him down to the most primal of human needs...hope. Once he thought he found it, he was overcome. Gave me goosebumps man. I'm not even going to get into the whole "you could make it something better. something more" critique. I got the point, and it hit home.

Sigg

I thought it was a really neat little short. It's like writing on a feeling that only lasts a short period of time, instead of thinking about characters and plot. I write like that all the time. Very cool.

R.J.T

I couldn't be happier with all the positive feed back I've been getting . I want to thank everyone who took the time to read "Into the darkness, into the void" and give an extra thanks to those who took the extra time to give a response. You don't know how much your opinion means to me.

---- R.J.T

Wyndstar

This was a nicely descripted piece, but it isn't something that can quite stand on its own. It needs a reason, why he's running, at the very least. It kept me interested, and the last part was satisfying as a conclusion, but I ended wanting far more than what was given. Make this part of a bigger story running along the same poetic flow, with specifics on why it needs to be told, and it'll be something

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Old enough to know better, young enough to think I can still get away with it.

R.J.T

Thanks wyndstar. I've been thinking about telling the story of the stranger but don't really know if I want to. I like what I have and I don't want to ruin or cheapen it. If I get a good enough idea I guess I'll give it a shot, but I'm not going to rush it. Thanks again for the response.

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--- R.J.T

Sigg

Here's a thought though, take it or leave it as you will. I think sometimes it's cool to make something that doesn't seem "complete". You know? Kind of like the musical idea of dissonance, it draws you towards that consonance or "closure" I guess. But if you leave it without that definitive end, or in music it's like ending on the 7th interval of the scale without giving the reader/listener what they what, it gives a pretty cool effect sometimes. I don't know if this makes sense, but I relate a lot of stuff to music so I hope you get what I'm saying.

R.J.T

You know what Sigg, I couldn't agree with you more. It does give a cool affect. Thanks for the reply.

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--- R.J.T

R.J.T

uh huh.

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--- R.J.T

semtecks

I liked it a lot. Usually when someone says: This was meant to be a poem but yada yada yada . . . I prepare myself for a crapfest. But you really surprised me and I want to thank you for changing my opinion on story/poem hybrids. I look forward to seeing your name more often.

R.J.T

Thanks alot Semtecks, I'm glad I could help change your mind.
I'm curently working on my next post it's called "Up there they dance", it should be finished and ready to be posted soon.

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--- R.J.T

SweetSunshine